


The Interval Between Reach and Grasp

by psifiend, stellahibernis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 2005-2018, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brief suicidal ideation, Canon-Typical Violence, Captain America Big Bang 2018 | cabigbang, Depression, Embedded Images, Explicit Sexual Content, I swear this is happier than the tags make it seem, Illustrated, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Natasha Romanov/Sam Wilson, Minor Peggy Carter/Gabe Jones, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve escapes from the Valkyrie, Winter Soldier related issues, but worth the effort, it's a long road to happiness, redefining a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-06 20:20:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 52,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psifiend/pseuds/psifiend, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis/pseuds/stellahibernis
Summary: Steve jumps out of the Valkyrie, they win the war, and when he comes back home he tries to live his life as well as he can despite the gaping hole the loss of Bucky carved inside his chest. Sixty years later his life looks to span out much longer than he ever could have expected, and he's still feeling utterly lost all too often.In 2005 he's asked to help with thwarting the Red Room agents coming for the recently defected Natasha, and his life is completely overturned when he locks eyes with the Winter Soldier and realizes the biggest tragedy of his life had turned out different from what he'd thought.





	1. 2005

**Author's Note:**

> This is our collaboration for the Captain America Big Bang 2018, with the fic by [stellahibernis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis) and art by [psifiend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/psifiend/pseuds/psifiend).
> 
> **Notes by stellahibernis:** This was my first bang, and it was a fun experience, the collaboration gave a bit different angle from where to look at the story. After all art requires one to consider details that are not obvious in the writing, but in turn thinking about them gave richness to the detail and made the story that much better than it would have been without.
> 
> Thanks to psifiend for the lovely art, my beta/regular life support El, and the tireless organizers of the Bang.

“If you like her you should go for it, ask her out,” Steve says, smiling at how Tony clearly forgot for a moment he wasn’t actually alone when he was watching Pepper leave the room.

Tony turns back to his work table. “It’s not that easy, starting with how I’m her boss. I don’t want to make it awkward for her.”

It is a fair point, but not an insurmountable one, it would just require some organizing. Tony knows it too, and he’s even thinking about it now, obvious from how he falls uncharacteristically quiet, clearly stumped by the fact he finds it hard to believe someone like Pepper would even look at him. Steve’s smile is knowing, and Tony obviously pretends he doesn’t see it, which certainly is par for the course for the two of them. Their relationship has had to evolve over the years; after all Steve has known Tony since birth, but these days he physically looks younger even though he’s almost five decades older. He’s gone from practically an uncle to a friend, and he knows in time he’ll have to watch Tony grow old, the same way that has already happened with Peggy, the Barnes family, and the Commandos. Sometimes, during the long hours of all too frequent sleepless nights, he wonders how many generations it’ll take before it all becomes too much to bear.

He generally tries to not think too much about the consequences of not aging while everyone around him does. They don’t know if he’s practically ageless or if he’s just aging very slowly, because back when Howard determined he was regenerating his cells perfectly and might as well go on doing so indefinitely, the techniques were still imprecise enough that there were uncertainties left. Steve hasn’t consented to any tests conducted with more modern technology even though there’s a possibility of knowing for sure. For him, there isn’t any point to it, knowing his fate won’t change it, and when it comes to others, even though the serum technically was a success on him, the long term implications are such that people have given up trying to replicate it. As far as Steve knows, anyway, which he knows is far from certainty.

Sometimes he lies awake during the night and allows himself to think of the span of his life and the unknown reach of it. Sometimes he tentatively considers the word immortal rather than ageless, and it scares him even more, because it would mean there really isn’t an end in sight. He doesn’t know if it’s accurate, he only knows that so far he’s healed perfectly from every injury he’s sustained, including the ones suffered toward the end of the war that should have killed him but didn’t. There’s no mark of them left, no blemishes on his skin, but his mind is another matter, and there’s no scrubbing up his near perfect memory.

He tries to live in the moment most of the time, because if he thinks of either the past or the future too much he gets depressed. He’s managing it by consciously attempting to divert to another track whenever his thoughts stray toward introspection. Right now he concentrates on Tony and his obvious and very likely reciprocated infatuation toward his miraculously efficient personal assistant Pepper. Steve likes her, has done so ever since she started working for Tony a couple of years earlier. She immediately understood how to treat Tony so that he wouldn’t push her away in retaliation or walk right over her, both of which have been common problems in the past for people working in close contact with him. She takes no shit from him, doesn’t let him shirk his duties when his attention wanders, and Steve is fairly sure that because of her the efficiency of the whole Stark Industries has gone up, because now Tony actually makes the necessary decisions on time.

In fact, she’d do better than Tony as the CEO. Steve believes she would shine at it, she’s naturally interested in the business and marketing side and has a good scope of the whole picture rather than getting distracted by details and individual projects like Tony tends to do. Maybe Tony will eventually realize that he could move fully to the R&D side of things and take that as an incentive. So far the problem has been that while Tony doesn’t really care about the job of the CEO, he hasn’t found anyone else capable and trustworthy enough, but now it seems like a more and more solvable problem. Stane would be hard to convince, he’s definitely a traditional leader in the worst way the word implies, and would refuse to see Pepper’s competence. Steve has never been able to understand why exactly Howard was such good friends with Stane, but regardless of reasons the former friendship gives him a firm footing inside the company. He is also a major reason they’re still developing weapons even though Tony has pushed for them to move ever larger part of the assets toward renewable energy and other green tech.

Since Pepper came along Tony has changed his behavior; he’s appeared less in the tabloids with top models and actresses, and in general he has settled a bit more into the steady life. He now allows himself to spend quiet nights with friends the way he enjoys rather than going out to be seen as is expected from someone dubbed a billionaire playboy. That above all tells Steve Tony would make a serious effort on a relationship with Pepper if he only allowed himself to believe the attraction is mutual. Steve hopes Tony will soon get there, which is why he prods him about it every once in a while.

“If you don’t try the chance will slip through your fingers and you’ll end up regretting it,” Steve says.

Tony pauses there, and he’s really thinking about it, which is probably the furthest he’s going to get that day.

“Are you speaking from experience there? Because everyone knows you held a torch for Peggy.” The glance Tony gives him is shrewd, and Steve smiles, knowing his expression is wistful.

“You know we were together after the war ended, for a while. We didn’t make much noise of it back then, but we really wanted to make it happen. Sometimes things don’t work out, there was too much baggage mostly on me, but you can’t know it beforehand. We weren’t meant to be for all that we loved each other, but I don’t regret trying for a life with Peggy. It was worth it for the happiness we had.”

Tony hums and focuses on his work again, and Steve drops the topic for now. He shifts in his seat, turning to look out across the ocean. In each of Tony’s workshops there is a corner with comfortable seating, a nice view, and a table easily within reach for books, drinks, or drawing utensils. Tony’s never actually said it, but Steve knows the comfortable corners are there mostly for him. Pepper usually doesn’t spend time in the workshop, and if Rhodey visits he tends to sit at Tony’s work table. Whenever Steve’s around he mostly just leaves Tony to his devices and spends his time reading or sketching. He likes the atmosphere in the workshop; it somehow calms him even though music might be blaring or Tony might be talking a mile a minute about some project of his. Steve usually lets the words flow over him, just as Tony expects him to. The talking out loud helps Tony to work things out for himself, and apparently it’s somehow more efficient if he addresses the words to someone, be it Steve, JARVIS, or the robots. Steve knows that if he paid attention, he could follow Tony’s stream of thought quite far at any given time, but quite frankly he’s never been that interested in how things work. It’s enough for him to be able to use and understand the purpose of whatever technology he needs, what happens inside is another matter.

It was much the same when he was young. Bucky was always enamored by all new inventions, and wanted to see inside things to figure out how they work. He took apart radios and watches, and managed to put them back together at least most of the time. He would also incessantly talk about new innovations, and Steve always liked to listen to him, mostly because he liked seeing Bucky so excited.

There is the customary constriction at his chest, one he feels whenever his thoughts lead to Bucky. Soon after the war he was told by a lot of people that with time it would get easier to accept the loss, but the pain is still there even decades after. It’s a wound that won’t heal, an emptiness as vast as it was on the day Bucky was wrenched from his life. Around the anniversary of the day on the train it’s particularly difficult, and every year Steve wonders if it would have been better after all to just let go on the Valkyrie, to not save himself.

He almost had too; he’d pointed the nose down, had watched the ice coming closer and closer, and he’d been ready. Only there had been a moment, he could have sworn it was Bucky’s voice, and maybe it was coming from the other side of the veil, maybe it was his own instinct of survival spurring him on exactly the way Bucky would have, but he’d heard, clear as anything, the words inside his head. _Don’t you dare._

It had spurred him into action, he’d clambered to the opening at the back of the plane, had managed it despite the shaking of the fuselage that had made it almost impossible to move. There had been no time to look for parachutes, and he’d jumped the moment he’d seen water under him instead of ice, with no idea of how high he was. The opening in the ice had been fairly narrow, but he’d somehow managed to hit the water. Both the impact and the cold had disoriented him for a moment, compressing his lungs, and he’d still been under the surface when the plane had hit the ice and exploded. The shock wave had rocked through the area, disturbing everything in the water and disorienting him, pushing him under the ice into darkness.

For a split second he’d been sure he would drown after all, his lungs already screaming for air, but then the water around him had filled with creaking and cracking booms, the ice breaking due to the violence of the heaving waves, and he’d seen the sun again. He’d made himself swim up to the surface despite the pain, and even the bitterly cold Arctic air that had filled his lungs had felt like salvation. He’d smiled only to realize he’d still been in mortal danger from the huge ice floes shifting and colliding together, all too likely to crush him.

There had been a few hectic moments, but he’d managed to pull himself up on a relatively large ice floe, and he’d collapsed down on it and considered his situation. There had been nowhere to go, there had been broken ice with water in between everywhere around him, and as he’d laid there he’d thought he might have just delayed the inevitable. The broken ice would have been impossible to cross on foot, the freezing water a certain death, and so he’d stayed put, allowing himself to finally become conscious of the injuries he’d suffered during the fight with Red Skull and the jump. After a while it had stopped being cold, and he’d known his time was almost up.

He’d woken up in a military hospital in New York, placed in a private room. Apparently against all hope they’d sailed toward the site of the explosion, and found him on the ice almost frozen but alive, his shield glinting in the sun like a beacon. Somehow the serum had put him into hibernation, and it had taken over a week for him to wake up after he’d been recovered. All in all he should probably be grateful no hungry polar bears had happened upon him.

He’d gone back to Europe for the rest of the war, had been there for the V-day, and that had been the second time they’d kissed with Peggy, this time as an acknowledgment that now they could be together. He’d been almost happy, as much as he could with the aching loss inside his heart that missed Bucky.

To this day, sixty years since the end of the war, Steve hasn’t really reconciled with himself how he felt then, and quite frankly, it hasn’t helped that his life since hasn’t been completely satisfying. He’s tried to make something with the years he’s had, and he thinks he’s even done good things here and there, has tried to act according to his conscience. There have been happy moments, but on the whole he’s not happy, not really. Content maybe, on most days.

It had taken some time after the war to readjust to life in peacetime. He’d continued working with the military, had kept the friends he made during the war and reconnected with those he’d left behind. There had been so many explanations needed, some people had become estranged from him, but those most important had stayed, even when it hadn’t always been simple.

Steve’s relationship with Howard Stark was one of the more complicated ones. During the war they didn’t always mesh, there were misunderstandings born not the least from their very different backgrounds, but they’d believed in the same goals and had worked both in their own way to defeat Hydra. The common purpose had smoothed over a lot of wrinkles that had become more apparent after the war. Steve didn’t always see eye to eye with Howard, and his behavior had been one of the reasons why Steve had tried to be there for Tony as much as possible. He’d always found it maddening how difficult it was for Howard to show he was proud of his son, a burden Tony still carries since they hadn’t really managed to properly reconcile before Howard’s death due to a heart attack in early nineties. Steve has attempted to support Tony throughout his life for a lot of reasons. He’s felt it important to remind him that he shouldn’t bury himself in the privileged life he leads or the fascination over what his brilliant brain can achieve. Maria Stark as well as the Jarvis couple always did well by Tony, and now that they too are all gone, Steve knows Tony’s safety network is thin.

The thing that mostly caused problems between Steve and Howard was that Howard tended to do things just because he could, or tried to see if he could, and rarely stopped to give thought on whether he should. He was one of Steve’s dearest friends, but Steve often wanted to wring his neck, starting in August 1945 when the kind of death and devastation he’d nearly died to prevent was rained down by his own country. In retrospect, maybe Steve should have seen it already then that he would end up leaving the military behind, which finally happened at the onset of Vietnam War. These days, while he’s not officially part of the military anymore, and instead has been working mostly with SHIELD for decades before dialing back since Peggy’s retirement, he’s still associated with the Army in the minds of a lot of people. It helps sometimes, he’s been able to speak of things he believes need improvement, he’s been critical of the military numerous times, and people have at least listened, even if things haven’t always turned out the way he would have wanted. He knows he’s considered too popular to be belittled, and he has on occasion used it.

It had always been ups and downs with Howard, even though they’d stayed fast friends through the decades. Their biggest fallout had happened mere months before Howard’s death, when he’d come to Steve talking about recreating the serum. He’d said he’d almost cracked the problem, but a sample of Steve’s blood would help with ironing out the kinks. To this day Steve can feel the ice that had flooded his veins, the dread he’d felt at the idea, and he hadn’t tried to be polite at all when arguing why it shouldn’t be done. He’d been agitated, both terrified and angry, and he’d then revealed more than he ever had with anyone, had practically cut himself open. He’d told Howard about the emptiness of the long life, the pain of seeing others grow older and pass away, the inability of truly connecting because of the consciousness of impending loss. He’d confessed then that the idea he might live forever filled him with dread, and that there had been countless days he’d really believed it would have been better if he’d stayed in the plane to the end, if he’d been blown to pieces along with it. He’d explained how, even when he appreciated everything he’d been able to do, he still wouldn’t wish his fate even to his worst enemy.

In the end he’d barged out and left Howard in his lab completely stunned. Back at home he’d shut himself in, had ignored the phone and just tried to calm himself down. Tony had been the one to come and find him two days later. Steve had seen he knew, but uncharacteristically Tony had not ask about it, he hadn’t said anything too serious at all. Instead, he’d put his mad genius at work and created alcohol potent enough that it had actually worked for Steve. He’d brought a bottle of whiskey for himself, and they’d proceeded to get good and drunk.

No Stark has suggested recreating the serum since, even though Steve knows Tony has been approached about it by General Ross. The general is Steve’s chief suspect when he allows himself to consider his country might still be at work trying to recreate the serum despite countless assurances, both public and private, to the contrary. They never have been good at letting potential weapons go.

Steve blinks at the view across the sea and pulls himself back into the now, back into Tony’s workshop, grounding himself with the music blaring through the speakers. He has a tendency to get maudlin even when he knows it doesn’t help him at all. He once more tries to make an effort to focus on the good things about the world he’s living in.

The most important for him are the people he cares about, even when it comes with the baggage of having to watch them age. It’s been a delight for him to watch Peggy’s career soar, how she flourished as the director of SHIELD and held the position throughout all kinds of turbulent times until she retired at 80. She made wonders with the resources at her hands, and in general he’s happy to see things have gotten better for women, if not perfect yet. In the early days he wanted to help so much, and had to keep it to himself more than he liked, since Peggy had explained to him how it wouldn’t make it better for her to have him at her back at all times. Since then he’s talked with her, Gabe, and others in his life to figure out how to use his position to help those discriminated against.

They got together with Peggy after the war but it didn’t last. There were too many barriers Steve held around his heart, and Peggy wanted someone that would let her all the way in. She deserved to have it, and in the end she managed it. Steve honestly couldn’t be happier for her success in life, especially ever since she and Gabe fell for each other. They have a happy marriage, lasting and steady. Steve is the godfather of their firstborn daughter Charlotte, an honorary uncle for all of the kids and grandkids, and he’s spent a lot of Christmases and Fourth of Julys with them. He’s happy they’ve included him in their life, even when he’s had to come to the conclusion life like that isn’t in the cards for him. It feels like he’s waiting for something, only there doesn’t seem to be anything to wait for.

Rebecca Barnes has been another steady presence in his life, another example of a determined woman making it in the world, one who would have deserved more than she got even when she made an impressive career as a journalist. Steve knows that with her talent and will to work she’d have been an instant star had she been a man. Instead it took her decades, but she did gain recognition, and finally a Pulitzer in the late seventies. These days she’s still sharp as a tack, has three cats and no other immediate family, and often calls herself the crazy cat lady, laughing as she says it.

While there are things than continuously infuriate Steve when it comes to the society these days, he does appreciate the steps that have been and are still being taken. He knows that women have it easier now, and he is grateful that these days Rhodey can make a progress through the ranks as an officer, when it was practically impossible for Gabe, which was the main reason for him to make a switch from the Army to SHIELD immediately after it was founded.

Steve himself came out as a bisexual during the AIDS crisis in the eighties, infuriated by how those suffering were ignored. He’d talked about it previously with those closest to him, especially ever since it turned out Charlotte very definitely only liked women, but with the crisis things came to a point where he saw he could shine a light to the problem by making his orientation public knowledge, that he could maybe help with it. He thinks it maybe did change at least a few minds, and he himself spent a lot of time caring for the sick and dying, remembering his mother as he did so, hoping she’d be proud of him. Charlotte had been there with him, since many of her friends were hit by the disease, and it had been a few very difficult years for them. There had of course been calls for him to give up the shield, people calling him names on the street, but also many people had told him his coming forward had helped them.

There had been questions about Bucky almost immediately after his coming out, and Steve only ever let out they were always close but not lovers. It’s the truth and it isn’t. They never kissed, it’s true, but they were everything to each other, from best friends to support in battle to relief in the bedrolls. There had been other relationships for both of them over the years, even though after Peggy Steve has never tried anything serious with anyone again. The ghost of Bucky’s hands against his skin that still lingers is no small part of that.

In the midst of the furor of his coming out Becca, who had covered the AIDS crisis in general which earned her the second Pulitzer, wrote an editorial of how he’d been the same man during the war when people hailed him as a hero, the same man when he’d been the too weak kid determined to do his part in the war before Erskine, as he was when he helped in the hospitals. How he was still a human at the core even with the serum, and how every bit of his identity was an integral part of him. She’d written it in a fury on a Saturday afternoon, and shown the draft to Steve over the Sunday breakfast they’d had. It had humbled him, and more than that, the portrayal of him as a person rather than Captain America was a needed reminder even for himself, and he’d happily given her the okay to publish it.

It’s gotten easier over the years. Even when there’s still discrimination in general, the majority of the outcries against him have died, and he’s even taken part in the Pride march, often with Charlotte and her long time girlfriend Anaya. He’s delighted that they can even talk of getting married, and even though at the moment it’s legal only in Massachusetts, he hopes soon enough they can do it at home in New York.

He’s also happy to see the scientific progress, how it’s made things easier for so many people, even though the many propositions by Tony that feel like science fiction are such that Bucky would have appreciated them more. At least Tony is using his brain to invent things to make living better for the general population besides the various gadgets. This morning he signed up the contracts to build three new arc reactor power plants, putting out more affordable clean energy, and now he’s tinkering on something that’s probably more along the lines of stuff from science fiction magazines.

Steve picks up his sketchbook, trying to focus on drawing, pushing away the complicated feelings he has toward his life these days.

***

“There’s a call for you from Director Carter, sir,” JARVIS says about an hour later during which Steve actually managed to concentrate on drawing. He’s always liked how JARVIS has kept the form of address when it comes to Peggy even now that she’s retired, yet another quirk of a program that Steve recognizes has become sentient over time without Tony really intending for it to. He’d just kept adding things until it had happened.

“Put her through,” says Tony. There are only a few people that always get a moment of his time, regardless of what he’s doing, and Peggy is one of them. “What can I do for you, Aunt Peggy?” It’s a form of address that amuses Steve; Tony still uses it accidentally when he’s comfortable or distracted, even though he stopped consciously saying it when he was in his teens.

“Hi Tony, is Steve there?”

Her tone is clipped, the way that means what she needs to say is definitely business rather than a social call, and now that she’s retired those tend to be unusually urgent cases. “I’m here, Peggy, what’s up?”

She’s definitely exasperated, although not too concerned, Steve doesn’t think. “Would you keep your phone on? People need to be able to get a hold of you. Anyway, there is a situation with a couple of SHIELD agents, and they could use your help.”

“Why me rather than some more official SHIELD resources? You know I’m not really active anymore. Besides, I didn’t think you’d play phone service for Nick Fury.”

“He thought you might not pick up if he called.” Steve knows most of Peggy’s tells by now, and even though she’s chiding him, there’s an undercurrent of amusement in her words.

“That’s fair. Last week we had a talk about surveillance and privacy, and our opinions don’t exactly line up.”

“I know. And it’s good you keep reminding him of those things. When you’re in the business of intelligence it’s easy to forget the boundaries that mustn’t be crossed. However, I agree with him that this is urgent, and if we’re right, you’ll be needed. Steve, we think the Ghost has surfaced.”

There’s a thrill of anticipation at Steve’s spine. Ever since the late fifties he’s known of the agent they’ve named the Ghost, he’s even come across him a few times while on missions with the army and later with SHIELD. He’s never gotten close, the man avoids him for some reason, but he’s seen enough that he knows it’s always the same person, active since the fifties. Considering his high skills, and the unnatural strength and speed Steve witnessed once when he got close enough to see the man actually flee, he knows it must be someone enhanced, and with a longer than natural lifespan.

SHIELD has plenty of good agents, but Steve knows that Peggy and Fury are probably right, he’s needed for this. Ever since Peggy retired he too has been dialing back his involvement with SHIELD, and the types of missions he accepts have always been very limited, mostly extraction and rescue. He’s often had a hard time accepting what they do, he’s had countless discussions about it with Peggy as well as pondered by himself what is necessary for international safety and what they just think is needed because they have the ability and tools to achieve it. It’s difficult to discern, and the consequences of going wrong in either direction can be dire.

He’s still, decades later, fairly incensed he turned out to be right about Zola, because the man never should have been allowed into SHIELD. Not that anyone had been too thrilled to welcome him, but they’d figured it would be better to have him in leash rather than working for others. When it had turned out in the seventies he’d worked to revive Hydra within SHIELD Steve hadn’t really had energy to be surprised. Zola had, before dying of cancer, made some allusions to the man they call the Ghost, but hadn’t been too forthcoming, and now that they might come across each other again with the mystery operator, Steve can’t help but remember and worry about it again. If Zola had a hand on the man, it might explain the lifespan and strength. Maybe he’d managed to get a version of the serum to work on yet another person. That was probably what he’d been working toward at the base in Austria when Steve had come looking for Bucky.

“Why is he surfacing now?” Steve asks Peggy, suddenly remembering they’re still talking via JARVIS, with Tony in the room. Peggy knows it too, which means there must be a reason she hasn’t asked to do this privately.

“Agents Barton and Romanov were on a mission in Mexico, when they were intercepted. They got away, but they think it’s the Red Room trying to either retaliate or take her back. They crossed over to the States, but rather than just make them hide, we think this could be a chance of drawing the Red Room out.”

They talk more about the goals, working out how to draw the attackers in. Steve has worked on occasion with Barton, and he’s one of the SHIELD agents Steve actually trusts to reliably adjust the goals in the middle of an operation when new information comes to light. The man sometimes seems aloof and uncaring, but it covers a keen intelligent and good judgment of character. On the other hand Steve has never met Natasha Romanov. She defected only a year previously, well after Steve stopped regularly working for SHIELD, but he knows of her. He knows that Barton was sent to kill her and decided otherwise, and furthermore, convinced the higher-ups at SHIELD to agree with him. Steve knows she was taken by the Red Room when only a child, brainwashed and trained, and he thinks that alone is good enough reason to help her rather than kill her. Now that it seems she’s in danger he happily lends his strength and skills.

The reason why Peggy wanted Tony in on the operation becomes clear when she tells them Romanov told them the Ghost, or the Winter Soldier as they apparently refer to him in Russia, has a very advanced prosthetic arm made of metal, and that if Tony can figure out a way to disable it, they might even be able to capture the man. From what Romanov has said, apparently the Soldier must have had his mind messed with, since he didn’t remember her from one meeting to another. She told them he trained her, and went on some missions with her as well.

The story leaves Steve conflicted; thinking of the process that leads to manipulating people like this, it’s hard to not think they’ve gone too far and wrong as humanity. He wonders if in the end it isn’t too different from what happened to him. For all that he had a free will, the way the image of Captain America has been used has done damage, and possibly fueled the efforts of the Russians as well, made them strive to counter him. He thinks he too is partly to blame; had he not drawn attention to himself, had he been less effective, had he just done as he was told he wouldn’t have painted such large image across history. Then again, had he just stayed with the USO, who knows what the world would be like now. Bucky and the Commandos would have died in Austria for sure, and while Bucky didn’t make it out of the war, the others have done plenty of good after the war. And there’s no knowing how the war would have turned out. He just can’t see the consequences of actions he never took, and now that this is the world he lives in, he has to make the best with what he has. Starting with trying to help Natasha Romanov, and maybe the Ghost too.

Peggy hangs up and they start getting ready, even though for Steve there isn’t much to do but wait. He feels wistful as he often does after talking to Peggy, his thoughts dragging up what ifs even though they’ve had decades to settle in a very good and solid friendship. It’s yet another aspect of his life that cannot be changed but that still lingers on him long after the possibilities have died.

His life with Peggy after the war had been wonderful at the beginning. They’d never married, they’d decided right at the start to keep their relationship hidden to not hinder her progress, and after some initial hurdles she’d made a career at SSR first and then had become a founding member of SHIELD. Steve had stayed with the army, served under Colonel Phillips and with the American Howling Commandos, their team liaising with the SSR when needed. He and Peggy had come home to each other for a few years, even though they’d officially lived apart. There had been nice dinners and quiet home nights, day trips and picnics at the park. It had been easy being with Peggy, completely different from any other woman he’d ever been interested in.

Steve still can’t quite say what exactly it was that pulled them apart. Sometimes there had been strain between them stemming from their work, the both of them having to keep secrets which always takes a toll in a relationship. Sometimes they’d butted heads over nuances of how things should be even when they’d agreed in principle. Not to mention there’d been quite a bit of hypocrisy going on with them being exasperated by the recklessness of each other, the truth being they’d both been just as bad as each other. Still, all of these things had been such that they could have gotten over them, their compatibility otherwise would have weighed more. Steve has to admit the blame probably lies mostly on him, that he just wasn’t present enough, that there is even now a part of him that never thawed from freezing in the Arctic. Or maybe it had solidified even earlier, at that moment on the train when he lost sight of Bucky for the last time. He knows Peggy doesn’t blame him, but she’d also known in the end she couldn’t live like it, and Steve had agreed then, and still does, that she deserved someone who’d be there for her all the way. She’d found it in Gabe, and she’s lived a full life while Steve has been floundering, incapable of moving forward the way he should have.

Despite the secrets between them and their personal relationship not working the way they’d hoped it would, fundamentally it’s still always been easy with Peggy. There is the steady current of companionship between them that has always kept them together, a sense of trust that has allowed them to rely on each other and stay the best of friends all throughout the years. It’s been similarly easy with all of the Commandos, most of them gone by now, only Gabe and Jim left. They’ve had good times, gatherings over holidays for decades, but those days are dwindling now, and Steve is still stuck.

***

They warn Pepper and everyone else that’s likely to turn up to stay away, because the last thing they need is innocents getting caught in the middle of what’s about to happen. Steve would feel better if Tony had agreed to go as well, he’s got a lot of training under his belt but he’s still an amateur. He refuses to go, arguing he’s needed to disable the Winter Soldier’s arm, which is complete baloney, he’s going to do it remotely anyway, but Steve has no energy to try and convince him.

Barton and Romanov turn up in a somewhat battered black Corvette of all things, fitting the plan of making their destination obvious to anyone that cared to follow. It’s likely, if the Red Room operatives are anything as good as Steve thinks they are, that they know it’s an attempt of entrapment, but they’re gambling they’ll be confident enough to not care. Apparently these types of situations are exactly what the Winter Soldier is for, turning the odds for them. Using a private residence is a good idea, because it looks more vulnerable than a SHIELD building would be. Tony has powered down his screens as well as the audio of JARVIS, and made all the tech less conspicuous in general. They all get drinks as they settle to wait, making a show of being comfortable and not expecting an attack right then.

“It’ll probably happen soon, the Red Room agents in general are trained to move at a faster pace than SHIELD agents. The purpose is to catch the target unprepared,” Romanov says. Steve supposes he should start thinking of her as Natasha, since they’re working together. He’s found her intriguing from the start, not least because of her eyes that look older than her apparent age is. They’re clear and assessing, neutral and shuttered, not giving away anything about herself.

“They would know that you’re familiar with all their procedures, though,” Steve points out.

“True. But it still wouldn’t give them much of an advantage to deviate, only give us more time to prepare. There’s also the factor of time. Considering when they intercepted us, their mission has lasted days already. I wasn’t supposed to know this, but the Soldier has a tendency to become more unstable as time passes. I know they have to limit the duration of his missions, and I think they’re cutting close already.”

It’s new information, and it too points to the conclusion that whoever this Winter Soldier is, he isn’t working for the Red Room fully out of his own free will. All the more reason for them to try to capture him and hopefully help him the way they’ve helped Natasha.

“How many of them do you think there will be?” Steve asks.

“I saw two,” Barton says, and maybe Steve should start thinking of him with the first name as well, this will probably be a good bonding experience.

“Same, and it goes with the protocol as well. We know the Soldier was there, and the other one was definitely one of the other Widows,” Natasha adds. “Probably Yelena, she’s the second best. I couldn’t get a good look on her even though I made her, so she must have reasonable skills.”

It’s fairly obvious that her words mean she is the best out of all the girls trained like her, and she’s clearly not boasting, just giving them the plain facts. Steve thinks she wouldn’t exaggerate her skills, she seems far too mission minded for that.

Tony’s phone buzzes then, and they all know it’s JARVIS giving a proximity alert. Natasha gets on her feet and walks to the other part of the large living space, farther away from the rest of them. Tony is casually leaning on the wall behind which is the panic room; Steve got him to agree hiding in there once things start moving. There is a computer interface in there, meaning Tony will be able to see and do everything needed without exposing himself.

It’s a deliberate risk they’re taking; the Winter Soldier is known to be the foremost sniper in the world, and they are taking some precautions, not standing right by the windows and relying on the sturdiness of the house, but they think this time it’ll be close combat. In Mexico too it would have made sense to take Clint out from afar if they wanted to just grab Natasha with least amount of fuss, but they hadn’t, and so the playing field seems open enough.

After a few tense minutes during which they try to look like like they’re not expecting to be attacked at any minute and do variably good job of it, Natasha suddenly kicks a side door open and yanks a blond woman into the room. For a few seconds they’re a blur of motion, and Steve only takes eyes off them to make sure Tony is safely in the panic room, but before he and Clint have time to approach things come to a standstill with Natasha pushing the other woman onto the floor on her stomach, pulling her wrists together, and planting a knee firmly on her upper back.

“You don’t have to do their bidding, Yelena. You can get away like I did,” Natasha says, in English maybe for her allies’ benefit, maybe to make a point.

The other woman, apparently Yelena as Natasha had predicted, grins against the floor, unafraid even after having been bested. “You should have stayed with us or hidden in some miserable hole, because now you’ll pay for the disobedience. He’ll wrench the life out of your friends right in front of your eyes, he’ll make it messy, and there’ll be nothing you can do about it.”

Steve can only tighten his grip on the shield before the large bulletproof window shatters and through it strides a man dressed all in black, a silver left arm gleaming, long hair covering his face. Clint raises his bow but the Soldier fires a handgun once, shattering the bow but not shooting at anything else. They’re in luck then; if he means to fulfill Yelena’s promise they should have a reasonable chance of apprehending him alive, even though Steve feels chilled by the absolute confidence in the man.

“Now, Tony,” Steve calls, and the Soldier staggers, his arm seizing up, useless. The devices Tony planted around the room earlier apparently work just as intended.

It’s only then that Steve finally sees the man’s face, and he freezes, completely forgetting what he was meant to do, because he is indeed confronted by a ghost, only one obviously made of flesh and blood, alive when it should be impossible. There are no coherent thoughts in his head, just a flurry of images, the most overwhelming among them the snowy ravine that has haunted his dreams for six decades now. There’s only one word that punches through and spills out of his lips, breathless and faint.

“Bucky?”

“Who the hell is Bucky?” is the reply, but the voice is familiar, it lances right through Steve with white hot pain, the implications of what must have happened rushing in, of how close he has been so many times over the years without seeing the truth.

From the corner of his eye Steve sees that Natasha, Yelena, and Clint are all frozen in place, all staring at the two of them, trying to recover from the shock they’ve all been dealt. His attention is firmly fixed on Bucky, though, and the shift in his demeanor is drastic. Only a moment ago he was all confidence and determination, all the whispered nightmares come to flesh, but it seeps off him, confusion and conflict replacing the purpose. Steve latches on it with all his hope, pushing away the pain in his chest. There will be time to contemplate on what this means, time for regret, but now he needs to help Bucky.

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You’ve known me for your whole life.”

Bucky is staring at him, as if trying to figure out what the words mean, pushing through the fog. “I don’t remember,” he says.

“I can help you, I’ll do whatever it takes,” Steve promises, wishing he knew exactly the right words to say.

Bucky blinks, shakes his head a bit. He’s being pulled in, miraculously something is overriding whatever has been done to him. “There’s something, a sensation, but it’s not clear.” He quiets, still staring at Steve, looking almost helpless, not at all as imposing as the Winter Soldier generally is.

Steve takes half a step forward, but stops when Bucky flinches back, distrust clear in his eyes. Even with that, he seems unbalanced enough that they’d be able to take him down, bring him to SHIELD as they planned, but now that they’re standing here Steve knows he can’t. He knows what he must do, even though it feels like his heart his squeezed in half at the thought. “Tony, free his arm.”

“What?” Tony’s voice through the speakers is incredulous, as it should be, but Steve doesn’t take his eyes off Bucky.

“Tony, please,” Steve says, hoping the trust they’ve built over the years is enough. It is, since Bucky’s left arm, and oh god, the pain he must have gone through, whirs into life a moment later. Steve looks at him, hoping this is the right gamble. “No one should be holding you prisoner, not even those intending to help you. You can decide what you want to do, go where you need to go. But what you promised once is true for me as well; I’m with you to the end of the line.”

Bucky shivers at the last words, his expression crumbling again. He wavers for a moment, but then, very deliberately he lets go of the gun held in his hand. It clatters loudly against the floor. “I need to leave,” he says and Steve wonders if it’s just his wishful thinking that there’s regret in it.

Bucky disappears as swiftly as he appeared, leaving the hollow in Steve’s chest both filled and gaping even more than it did before. He turns toward Natasha who’s still holding Yelena down, her eyes big when they meet his. Slowly she moves back, away from Yelena who rises to her feet, face aiming to be impassive and unreadable but she doesn’t quite manage it, there’s turmoil even Steve can see.

“You too can go wherever you want to,” Natasha says.

The smile that crosses Yelena’s face is definitely bitter. “Not like there’s anything good waiting for me if I go back just by myself.”

She too runs out, and there’s only the three on them standing in the room, floor littered with glass and debris.

“Good thing my liquor cabinet is well stocked, and I even have a stash of the stuff that works on you, Steve,” Tony says, coming out of the panic room, looking just as stunned as Steve feels. “I think we all need it now.”

***

In the morning Steve sits on the roof of Tony’s house, looking across the sea. He feels numb, as if everything that he’s learned and guessed since the previous night has washed over him, too heavy and overwhelming to comprehend. He’s fairly sure he’s in a shock, and he’s unable to start dealing with it, because everything feels off kilter.

He’s happy Bucky is alive. He’s sad and enraged over what he’s been through over the decades. There’s the guilt, tucked in between it all. The sensible part of him can guess that these are things he feels, but right now there’s a film between him and his emotions, holding them out of reach. He knows it’ll hurt like he couldn’t imagine probably sooner rather than later.

The sun is just rising from behind him, turning the sea into diamonds. There were hours of debriefings the previous night, and to put it mildly Fury was disappointed they didn’t try to bring Bucky in, but even after thinking about it, Steve is convinced he did the only thing he could have, the only thing that has any hope of helping Bucky trust him again. Maybe it’s selfish, and he understands why everyone but him and Natasha feel like it’s a risk to let Bucky and Yelena go, but he has faith that they won’t go back, that they will find their own freedom now that they have a chance. Steve is sure SHIELD will attempt to track the two of them down, but doesn’t think it’s very likely they’ll be found.

It was past three in the morning when they finally went to bed, but Steve couldn’t sleep at all, and he finally got up and climbed to the roof, which is a place that he’s used before for sorting out his thoughts. It doesn’t really help this time, even after hours he’s right where he started, and it’s almost a relief when he hears Natasha coming up, no doubt because she allows him to.

“I knew him as Yasha,” she says, coming to sit next to him.

Her expression is neutral when Steve looks at her, hiding any emotions, but from the short time he’s spent with her, he already knows she doesn’t reveal herself easily, and that her volunteering the information is more significant than he knows yet.

“He was, or is really, I should say now, the most important person in my life,” Steve tells her in exchange.

“Even now?” she asks, her eyes curious and assessing. “After decades of him not being in your life?”

Steve gets where she comes from, because it’s true that he’s lived much longer without Bucky than with him, but it doesn’t matter; all throughout the decades he never formed ties as strong as the one that still stretches out toward Bucky, for all that it’s probable Bucky doesn’t feel the same way anymore. It doesn’t matter, because it’s still the way Steve feels.

“Always,” he says, softly, and he thinks she understands what he means, as much as someone not intimately familiar with their history can.

“He taught me when I was with the Red Room, every once in a while.” She looks across the sea, and it strikes Steve again how old the expression in her eyes is, laden with experience. She is an old soul, much like him. “He never remembered, from one year to another. He’d disappear for a long time, and when we met again, it was the first time all again for him.”

At the last words she turns to look at him, as if compelling him to understand, and Steve does now, better than he did the day before when Peggy first relayed the information to him. Whatever was done to Bucky, it was meant to have all that made him the person he was disappear, and the logical conclusion is that it can’t all come back. The pain hits him then full force, and he turns away from her, his lungs constricting and eyes burning. For decades Bucky has been held prisoner and he never knew, never tried to do anything about it even though their paths crossed over time. And even before that, there was a moment he could have prevented it all, if only he’d been more careful, faster and better on the train. There have been so many times when he could have cut short Bucky’s suffering by finding him. It’s a guilt he’ll have to carry for the rest of his days.

“He was strict,” Natasha continues, her voice softer now. “But also kind, in a way our handlers couldn’t pick up. He taught me so much more than they intended, taught me to not only look at my targets, but my handlers too. I think it’s the real him that came through at those moments, despite what they did to him.”

The tears fall then, and Steve wants to not show it, wants to not cry and break up, but it’s too much, the hope brought by her words, by Bucky’s actions the previous night when he stopped mid-stride at hearing his name. There’s hope that it’s not all lost, despite the Red Room having done everything in their power to make Bucky disappear. The pain overflows, and Steve gives himself a moment to really feel it, to let it settle, before pulling himself together again. All through it Natasha sits next to him, her head bowed, hair falling down the sides, hiding her expression. Steve wonders if she too is giving in to her emotions.

Only when he’s capable of drawing in a full slow breath, straightening his back and filling his lungs, holding, calming, he thinks how oddly comfortable it was being in her company while breaking down. It’s not that he wanted her to see, because as a rule he doesn’t want anyone to see his most vulnerable moments. Not even Peggy and Gabe who’ve been there all through the decades and have experiences that are comparable to his. Yet, Natasha’s presence somehow didn’t feel invasive, and he thinks it wasn’t because she did some spy magic. Instead, there is the common ground they share, but also everything that’s different about them. He realizes then that they will probably become good friends.

“Thank you,” he says, “for telling me.”

She nods in acknowledgment. “I hope I’ll get to meet him again as the person he becomes now. Because you should know, he’s not going to come back to the way he was, even in the best case scenario.”

“No, of course not. But I’m not the man he knew either, not all the way. But we still go together.”

“Were you? Together?” She asks, and for the first time she allows him to really see her, the inscrutable barrier is gone and her eyes are curious.

“Not the way you mean. We were everything to each other, and yet not. I don’t know how to explain it without telling the story of our whole lives.”

They fall silent for a moment, and when Natasha speaks again she looks across the sea, probably avoiding eye contact. “Yelena was the closest to a sister I ever had, and yet, if we had been pitted against each other in one of the scenarios where only one lived during our training, I would have killed her, no questions asked. It’s only now that I’ve gotten away that it’s really sinking to me what they took from me, what they made me into. And I never was anything but a girl before.”

Steve hears the unasked question; if she’s ever going to be anything other than what they made of her, and he already knows the truth. “You’re more than what they made you, otherwise you wouldn’t have let her go. Now she too has a choice to be something other than what she was forced into.” He hesitates for a second, wondering if she’s going to be receptive to his advice, but decides to go for it anyway. “Maybe you’re not yet where you want to go, and I suppose the structure of SHIELD will help you. But ultimately, they’re an organization, and their priorities are toward people as a group, toward nations and security, and sometimes that doesn’t work for specific individuals.”

“You think I should leave at some point.”

“No, I think you should be conscious of when you’re falling into patterns, staying just because you’re used to it. Maybe you’ll turn out to be like Nick, and it’s the right place for you. Maybe you’ll leave and find something else.”

She grins at him, the first time he’s seen a genuine smile from her, although he only now realizes the previous ones were fabrication. She’s very good indeed. “I get why you’re rather an outside member.”

Steve smiles as well, wry. “There’s a reason why Peggy called me about this rather than Nick.”

“You don’t argue with her?” She tilts her head, waiting for the answer, and Steve sees she must know something more than just reputation, even when she only came along after Peggy had retired.

“Oh no, we do argue, we’re both too hot headed not to. Although less now that she isn’t the director anymore. It does us both good I think, helps me to keep realistic and her to remember the limits of where one should go.”

“We all need that.”

She looks at him again with her too old eyes, and Steve finally has to see if she’ll confirm his hunch. “You’re older than your appearance suggests, aren’t you?”

She’s genuinely surprised for a second, then it morphs into a huff. “No one who doesn’t know has noticed before, but I guess you’d have an idea. You’re right, I’m older. Not quite as old as you, but enough. Managed to actually work for the Soviet Union.”

Steve would hug her, only he’s fairly sure it wouldn’t be welcome. Not yet anyway. He thinks they will get there, over time. It feels like his world has expanded immensely since just the previous day.

“Will you go after him now?” she asks.

Steve is quiet for a moment. “I think, probably not. I mean, he was clearly not ready for any contact. So I’ll leave him to it, keep my eyes open.”

“That’ll probably work. He’ll let you know when he’s ready, he knows from yesterday you’ll be there. In the meantime, want to come purge the Red Room with me?”

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the beginning, the rest of the story will be posted by Friday.


	2. 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve hasn't heard of Bucky during the three years since he turned out to be alive, but there's finally a message to him soon after they've found Tony in Afghanistan.

“You look more centered,” Steve says to Sam when they’ve got their coffees and found a place to sit.

“I guess,” Sam pauses, searching for words, then glances at Steve, giving him a shrug, “I’m starting to accept a bit more that I’m here. That it’s just me that made it home.”

It’s a sentiment Steve well understands, one that he struggled with for a long time after the war ended. Still does, really, although ever since he found out Bucky had actually survived he’s had a whole lot of new things to struggle with. Sam has been retired from the Air Force for a year now; he quit at the end of his second tour after losing his wingman Riley only weeks earlier. He’s still having a hard time with both guilt and a host of other things the veterans who’ve seen active combat do, but he’s getting better all the time.

Steve met him at the VA; he’s publicly supported them for decades, and volunteers fairly regularly especially now that he’s no longer active with SHIELD. He sticks to helping with the physical rehabilitation, and there are countless ways him being able to be a steady support is invaluable. When it comes to working on the mental problems, he always talks to people if they initiate, but he doesn’t see himself able to help as much considering he hasn’t even begun to sort out the tangle in his own head, not like Sam has. Steve had been there at the first session Sam ever took part in, had sat at the back listening and hoping just his presence might make some of the veterans feel less like they were weak to need support, as they too often did. Sam had had to leave in the middle, and Steve had followed to make sure he was alright. He’d found Sam smoking at the parking lot, concentrating on it as if it was the most important thing in the world.

Sam had ended up telling Steve about Riley and what happened to him, the story pouring out of him, words tumbling out so fast he almost choked on them. Even if the details were different, it was a viscerally familiar story for Steve, the unbearable loss of having the most precious life slipping through fingers. Sam had seen that he understood down to that deepest level, and they’d bonded that day. During the year they’ve known each other Sam has become one of Steve’s very best friends.

“I’m going to apply to college,” Sam says then, and Steve grins.

“That’s great. Do you know what you’d like to do?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now, and I think I’d like to work at the VA. They’ve helped me, and I’d like to pay it forward.”

“You’ll be great at that,” Steve says, happy to know it isn’t simply a good day for Sam, he’s really taking strides forward.

“On the other hand you’re looking about as dejected as ever,” Sam says. “Still no leads on him?”

Sam knows about Bucky and his relationship with Steve, in some ways he understands better than almost anyone else does these days. Steve had told him Bucky had survived a few months into their friendship after he’d figured out Sam was about as trustworthy as anyone and not only that, he was someone Steve genuinely wanted to tell. Sam had already had an inkling something was going on, because the absence of any information on Bucky was then and still is weighing Steve down. It’s been over three years since that miraculous and horrible night when Steve found out Bucky hadn’t died after all and instead had been a prisoner all this time.

“Nothing. Natasha says that considering how well he’s been trained, if he doesn’t want to be found, he won’t. All I can do is wait.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, on one hand it does. On the other, I much prefer it to thinking he was dead and having nothing to wait for.”

Sam looks skeptical. “I mean, I get what you mean, of course it’s better, but it doesn’t look like it’s that simple. Last month at that spy get-together you dragged me to, Sharon was worried about you. Said you’re definitely more down than you used to be.”

“I really didn’t have to drag you, though, I know you’ll take any chance to spend some time with Nat.”

Sam shifts on his seat, and Steve grins, knowing he’s right, even though neither Sam nor Nat wants to talk about it. “Don’t try to dodge the question.”

Steve takes a sip of his coffee and looks out of the window. Sam has a point, it’s true, but he’s not completely correct, and it takes Steve a bit of effort to find the words to explain his feelings. “It’s true it’s more painful now, but only because in retrospect I see I’d buried it, everything I felt about him, and now it’s all coming back again. But I’ll rather take the hurt than the numbness, having known both. Just because it didn’t hurt doesn’t mean the wound had healed.”

Sam nods, and Steve can see he understands. He hopes Sam will heed the warning behind the words, and not just let the numbness take over, because it would probably be tempting for him too. Then again Sam is a lot better adjusted than Steve was so soon after the war, the different culture and expectations help him with it, but it’s also a matter of personality. Steve has always been more withdrawn, has always had a hard time with opening to anyone. He’s been getting better at it recently, but it’s slow going.

***

Back at home Steve hesitates between the halfway done painting on his easel and the set of files on another Red Room base he just received, but he ends up flopping down on the couch and staring at the ceiling. The past three years have taken their toll on him, and while he was honest with Sam when he said the way he’s now is better than being numb, it’s not easy, and he’s fully conscious of the effects worry and uncertainty have had on him. He probably hasn’t slept properly for a single night during the last three years, just for starters.

He knows he’ll have to change how he goes about everything surrounding Bucky fairly soon. So far he’s kept an eye on news on all possible channels while sporadically working with a SHIELD team, going after the Red Room cells outside of Russia, but he hasn’t actively looked for Bucky. There has been no evidence that he’s violent or out of control, so there’s no pressing need from a security point of view, and even after all this time, Steve still believes giving Bucky space is the best bet on regaining his trust. In the meantime there have been no sightings, not even rumors of Bucky at all.

Since they first met they’ve become good friends with Natasha. They share the particular condition of being older than they look, which means people treat them differently from their actual age group. Not that Steve wants to be treated like a ninety year old in general, but there are circumstances when people seem to forget that he has more experience than pretty much anyone he ever meets these days. It’s worse of course for Nat, since people mostly don’t know she’s not in her twenties, which means she gets talked down a lot, at least at first; she has a tendency to shut that kind of behavior down. It does have some advantages especially when it comes to her work, helping her appear more harmless than she actually is. Having agents that were likely to be considered harmless was and presumably still is one of the purposes of the Black Widow program, and Natasha ruthlessly utilizes what she’s learned when needed.

She doesn’t let anyone know too much of her history with the Red Room, and Steve is grateful for every morsel he gets, because each one of them is yet another sign of her trust, something which is not easily won. She has given him a lot of insight on the procedures typical for the Red Room, as well as the skills and mindsets Bucky may have gained. She says it’s a good thing he’s hiding, it indicates he’s fully in control of himself. Another possibility of course is that Bucky has been recaptured, but all the intelligence they have suggests it’s not true, and Steve remains hopeful.

Still, he can wait only for so long, and he thinks that maybe it’s time to start making a bit more noise about himself, to see if Bucky will reach out to him. If not, he doesn’t know what he will do, because he wants Bucky to have full autonomy, but if it turns out it means he wants to cut Steve out of his life completely and stay hidden, Steve will have to somehow get used to it, and he doesn’t know if he can. The idea of living in a world where Bucky is but chooses to not know him is inconceivable.

For now he’s going to keep to what he’s been doing for a few months still, until the end of summer at least. If nothing has come up by the fall, he’ll make a new plan. That decided, he keeps staring at the ceiling, trying to summon motivation to do something more productive, but he can’t. There’s the information gathered and ready for him, he could start planning the operation, but he’s tired, and it’ll keep until tomorrow.

The familiar noise of the city is coming in through the window he’s opened, Brooklyn still surrounding him all these decades later. He’s settled there, because once he stopped being active at SHIELD there really wasn’t any other place that felt right to him. It was a habit really, more than the city feeling like home, because these days nowhere feels like that. Maybe sometimes Becca’s kitchen and the garden opening from it, or Peggy and Gabe’s living room, or Tony’s workshop, but it never lasts more than a few hours. Most of the time he feels just a bit detached from everything. For many years he didn’t really think about it, it didn’t matter, but ever since he found out about Bucky, living in Brooklyn has been harder. The ghosts of his past are now much clearer, confronting him at every street corner it seems, but he can’t leave. After all, if Bucky comes looking for him, Brooklyn is still the likeliest place. Or maybe Tony’s Malibu home, since they reconnected there, but it feels distinctly less likely that Bucky would go there.

Steve is contemplating the question of home and whether he might find one again when his phone rings. It’s a military number, which is never a good sign, because they know not to call him unless it’s something unusual. He doesn’t know the lieutenant at the other end of the call, but the news send a chill down his spine.

“Mr. Stark has been abducted in Afghanistan. Colonel Rhodes requests your help for search and rescue.”

***

The ice doesn’t leave Steve’s heart during the flight to the US base in Afghanistan. In there he finds Rhodey conducting the search despite a massive bruise at the side of his face, expression determined as ever. Steve reports in, asking what he can do.

The first thing Steve sees on the screen in front of Rhodey is Sam’s face, and it turns out that when he told Steve he was a pararescueman, he left out the fact that he’d flown an experimental wingset during the missions. The lack of mention is no doubt due to the mission details being classified as hell, and who knows how many NDAs Sam has had to sign. Rhodey is now considering asking him back because he’s the only one with sufficient experience on the wings, and looking at the specs Steve can see they’d be an immense help with the search in the difficult terrain.

Steve takes his time considering it, several long minutes before he says anything, but in the end he tells Rhodey he knows Sam personally, and could ask if he’d come back for this. He knows that if it’s him doing the asking Sam will look at it differently, it’s more of a personal favor rather than just professional one, and because of it Sam will be more likely to say yes. It puts more responsibility on Steve, and he only volunteers the information since he knows Sam is fairly stable within himself, he has taken significant steps with his recovery and is looking forward again rather than dwelling in what happened. Coming back to the warzone and the area where he lost his wingman will be hard, and just a few months ago Steve would have recommended not asking, for all that he wants all the best resources looking for Tony. At this point in time, Sam definitely belongs among them, and knowing him, Steve thinks it’s likely he’ll want to help if he can.

Sam agrees to come, and while he’s visibly steeling himself at first, definitely when he’s being fitted with the jetpack and wings, when he lands after the first scouting mission there is lightness unlike anything Steve has seen before in his eyes. During the meal that night Sam tells Steve it was the first time he flew since the mission during which he lost Riley, and that while it was hard, it was also liberating, the task he has now helping to overcome the old ghosts. Not to mention he loves the flying, although not enough to sign up again. It all makes Steve feel more secure he did the right thing by asking Sam, and he silently vows to himself that when they find Tony he’s going to ask him to build new wings for Sam so that he can use them for whatever he likes.

He’s firmly set his mind on them finding Tony, nothing else is acceptable, especially with the reminder of Bucky having been alive all these years. This time Steve will not stop. Rhodey is the same, coordinating the search and only going to sleep when Steve forces him every once in a while, with arguments that he’s no use to any of them if he collapses and promises to wake him up if there’s even a sliver of information. Every day that passes without news feels like an eternity.

In the end Tony rescues himself by building a flying suit of armor. Rhodey is the one that makes it to him first, Steve not far behind. He’s happy and proud, but also distressed at the revelation of the magnet at Tony’s chest that’s now required to keep him alive, a drastic reminder of how close he came to dying, but at the same time a proof of how hard he fought. He is alive, and it’s all that matters.

After they come back to the US Steve goes to stay with Tony at his Malibu house for a while, both to make sure he’s okay but also to reassure himself of the fact that he hasn’t lost a friend yet again. There are too many prospective losses in his future, and he could do with none of them happening before their time. As soon as they’ve settled in Tony seems to be almost suspiciously well recovered, behaving just as he always has, spending most of his time at the workshop, building a better version of the miniaturized arc reactor in his chest and sending a continuous stream of emails to Sam, filled with specs for the new wings. He also makes the startling announcement that Stark Industries will completely stop manufacturing weapons, a decision the board does not take that well, but he persist with it. He finally tells Steve of Yinsen who saved his life and made him reconsider a lot of things one late night after a long day in the workshop, the first prototype of Sam’s new wings ready on the table. That night is easy and companionable, and for the first time since the phone call telling him Tony was taken, the stress falls off Steve’s shoulders.

***

It’s funny how things go, because it’s such a perfect timing for the letter to reach Steve. The morning after their heart-to-heart they’re having pancakes when Dum-E rolls in with the mail. It sorts everything correctly, separating business letters from junk mail, but at the end of it there’s one left that it brings to Steve, who’s startled to see his own name on it. He’s even more startled to realize the handwriting is familiar.

His hands shake as he rips the envelope open. Inside is a folded piece of paper, and on it only the words,  _ Laughing Horse Lodge, Swan Lake, Montana. _ Nothing else, not even a signature, but Steve knows it’s from Bucky as surely as he knows Tony is sitting opposite to him, fork paused between his plate and mouth.

“It’s from Barnes, isn’t it?” Tony asks.

Steve shows it to Tony, and slides off the stool. “I have to go.”

There’s nothing else to it, it’s obviously a place that Bucky’s inviting him to, and Steve can’t do anything but follow this, the first lead in three years, a lot more solid one than he ever dared to hope for. He has no idea what Bucky wants from him, but it doesn’t matter, he’s going regardless.

Tony obviously understands, is almost giddy with it, appearing more excited than he has since coming back, and Steve lets Tony give him the use of his private plane, because it’ll get him where he needs to go the fastest. He hugs Tony hard for a goodbye, telling him to not get into additional trouble, and runs to the car in which Happy already waits to take him to the airport.

He’s short on breath again, this is yet another message that has left him winded, but now he’s cautiously filling with hope rather than despair.

***

When he arrives, Steve’s first impression of Swan Lake is it can barely be called a town; it’s a scattering of houses by the lake, with some shops and hotels. The only likely reason for an outsider to come there would be going for a hike in the Flathead National Forest. When Steve had picked up the car arranged for him at the nearest airport that could accommodate Tony’s plane, he’d found a set of hiking gear neatly packed and waiting on the back seat.

_ You are a terrible busybody, _ Steve had texted Tony, and the smiley he’d got in return clearly communicated Tony had understood exactly how he felt, grateful but also sort of irritated.

He’s not at all surprised that he already has a room reserved and paid for the next two weeks, because Tony really is a busybody, eager to help those he cares about, to a degree that sometimes feels somewhat oppressive for Steve, despite having had decades to get used to Howard doing much the same. It’s just a bit different with Tony, it’s not at all about showing off for him the way it was for his father. Howard mostly had his heart in the right place, but he always angled for something for himself when he helped, even if it was just gratitude, but Tony just sees something he can do, something that’ll make life easier for someone else, and does it, usually without consulting, and never counting debts.

When he checks in Steve mentions needing some peace and quiet, and he probably appears just as stressed as he feels, because the owners heartily promise nobody’s going to bother him. He also gets a lot of advice on the local trails when he says he might go hiking, maybe staying out in the woods for several days at a time.

When he finally gets to his room he finds it almost surreal, because the furnishings are the kind one might envision when invited to think of log cabins, except everything is turned up to eleven. It’s a polar opposite of the sleek modernity Tony prefers and Steve has gotten very much used to, having spent so much time with his friend. He puts away his things, and hesitates only for a moment in the middle of the room before heading out. He might as well show his face around, so that Bucky can find him and let him know whatever purpose it is that he was brought here for.

There’s only one proper road going through the town, so he picks a direction and starts walking. There’s nothing really to see, and while the locals obviously recognize him for a stranger, no one figures out who he is with the baseball cap, hunched shoulders, and hands in the pockets of the jacket. He’s glad about it, too much on the edge to be able to deal with the circus that him getting recognized pretty much anywhere but in Brooklyn is. For all that he’s had a hard time living in Brooklyn over the last few years, he’s grateful that the people there consider him one of them, and especially consider him someone who should be allowed to live his life in peace. It’s usually only there that he can walk on the street and feel like Steve Rogers instead of Captain America.

It doesn’t take long before he feels an itch at the back of his neck, the sensation of being intently watched, but he deliberately doesn’t react to it, just keeps going. For one, Bucky called him here, but the manner still suggested reaching out isn’t easy for him, and so Steve is ready to wait especially now with a proof of interest. He also can’t be sure he actually is being watched. He’s so on edge, so agitated by the possibilities that he might just be imagining it, might just be wishing Bucky’s eyes on him rather than truly feeling his gaze. He tries with all his power to moderate his hopes, so as to not be disappointed with reality.

He shouldn’t have worried, because when he comes back to the hotel, there is a message for him, his name scrawled in a familiar hand on the envelope. It’s also a source of confusion for the person at the lobby, because apparently the letter had appeared on the counter while she was turned away only for a second, which shouldn’t have been possible according to her. Steve smiles and reassures her, saying he has a bit of an eccentric friend. She accepts the explanation, probably thinking it’s some spy thing, albeit benevolent, since there’s no suspicion at all. All in all it’s a situation that’s much easier to navigate while being recognized as Captain America.

Steve opens the envelope in the privacy of his room, and again it’s a message that’s not personal in any way, just information. This time it’s a set of coordinates, which typed into Steve’s phone point to a spot in the mountains nearby. There doesn’t seem to be anything much in the area, just a hiking trail passing through, and getting there by foot should take him only a few hours. Again, it’s not hard to see what Bucky wants him to do, but what for is still the question. Not that it matters; in this Steve has no choice, he probably hasn’t had one since he grasped Bucky’s hand for the first time and allowed himself to be pulled up from where he’d been knocked down. He was just six years old then. He’s itching to go already, but it’s late, no chance of him making it to the coordinates before dark, and so he decides to start at first light.

***

It’s a gorgeous morning when Steve sets out, the sun just rising above the peaks of the mountains. He picked up a paper map of the hiking trails in the area just in case, even though his Stark phone is very reliable and seems to have a lot better coverage than phones generally do, but there’s no harm in being prepared. He said he probably wouldn’t come back for some days but that he’d keep his room, and set out. He sees a couple of cars passing through when he heads for the starting point of the trail, but in the forest there’s no one. It’s quiet the way nature is which means not very, the birds being especially noisy, but it’s the kind of sound that allows him to relax and ease into comfortable exercise, walking at a good pace but not hurrying.

He doesn’t see anyone during the hike, the only sign of people is the trail itself. There’s no sensation of being watched either, not even when he nears the coordinates given to him. He slows down and looks around, but there’s nothing remarkable about the area, no buildings, not even a camp site, and he could swear he’s alone. Yet, since Bucky went through all the trouble of getting him there, Steve knows he’s somewhere nearby. Already during the war Bucky knew how to hide himself in the woods, and in all likelihood he’s only gotten better at it during the decades in between.

His phone chimes, telling him he’s nearing the place Bucky indicated, and right then he steps into a small clearing and sees something hanging from a branch of a tree. It’s a pouch made of wire mesh, and attached to it is a postcard with the image of his shield. On the other side it says,  _ Put your phone and other electronics in here. _

Steve understands then; it’s a Faraday cage, Bucky wants to make sure there’s no surveillance before he makes an appearance. The paranoia is as Steve expected, Bucky has stayed hidden for so long and the only way to do so is by being careful, but he’s also touched that Bucky trusts him to do this himself, implying he trusts Steve but not everyone else. It’s a good precaution, Steve knows there are people that could in theory be monitoring his phone.  _ Not anymore, _ he thinks, sliding it in and closing the pouch.

He can’t help but expect Bucky to appear immediately, and tamps down the budding irrational disappointment. Bucky’s probably not even nearby, there are several lines of sight from higher up to where Steve’s standing, so he’s probably looking down with binoculars, deciding whether to appear. Steve knows all too well Bucky still might choose to not show up, might decide it’s too much after all. He sets his pack down and drinks deeply from a water bottle before tilting his face up toward the sun and waiting.

Five minutes later Steve hears steps through the undergrowth, deliberate of course, because he remembers Bucky just materializing next to him countless times curing the war. He holds himself in a metaphorical grip when he turns toward the sound instead of rushing out to wrap Bucky in his arms the way he wants to. When he actually sees Bucky the impatience to greet him evaporates, because he’s there and he’s real, and it’s just as overwhelming as it was that first time in Tony’s living room, even now that Steve has had time to get used to the idea of him being alive. It’s different still, to stand face to face.

Bucky looks the same and different compared to the previous time they met. The look in his eyes is similar to the one Steve remembers from right after he found Bucky in Austria, the shadows deep and restless. His hair is still long, albeit tied back now, and he looks like he hasn’t shaved in a few days, but he’s less thin than he was three years ago. Back then he looked just a bit gaunt, definitely pushed to the limits of his endurance, much like Steve used to be during the war. Now he looks healthy, his cheeks aren’t so hollow and he fills his hiking pants very well. His jacket is loose, but Steve is sure Bucky underneath is more solid than he’s ever known. It all makes him feel a bit better; the Winter Soldier was often called the Ghost because he was so elusive, and seeing Bucky real and substantial eases the irrational fear Steve has been carrying; that he might just vanish in the air.

They stand for a moment a few steps apart, looking at each other, and Steve is fairly sure Bucky is just as overwhelmed as he is. In the end Bucky holds out his hand and nods at the Faraday pouch, which Steve hands out to him without hesitation. Bucky then turns to follow the trail further into the forest, but looks back once, as if to make sure Steve is following. Bucky wouldn’t need to worry; he followed Steve to literal hell on Earth, and it’s only fair that Steve now lets him lead wherever needed.

***

The first words Bucky says to Steve are, “Let’s take a break.”

His tone is so familiar that Steve is taken back, in his memory there are countless moments of Bucky suggesting they should rest with the purpose of providing ease for Steve’s tired legs, crooked back, and deficient lungs, said because he always knew Steve never would. It’s disorienting, enough that Steve almost protests that he can go on, he’s no longer the man that couldn’t walk for hours on end.

Except he pauses before saying a word, thinks on it. What little he knows of Bucky’s life when with the Red Room, from Natasha and the meager amount of files existing, not complete by any means, is that the Winter Soldier was relentless, wouldn’t stop for anything. Now he’s suggesting taking a break, even though neither of them is tired, neither of them needs it for anything but comfort. The realization makes Steve smile and nod, happiness bubbling in his chest, because it’s a sign that Bucky is recovering, is making decisions based on what he wants and not what his training commands.

Steve takes out a water bottle and a bag of trail mix, his pack having come with not only equipment and clothes, but snacks too. He sits on the fallen tree that’s been pulled parallel to the trail, a perfect resting spot, and offers the bag of snacks toward Bucky. There are ten long seconds that Bucky takes to make the decision, but in the end he comes and sits down next to Steve, closer than necessary, their shoulders brushing together when he reaches for a handful of nuts and chocolate.

They don’t talk, but Steve finds himself relaxing, reassured, because despite however much they’ve changed, and they both have, in ways that neither of them probably even knows yet, they still fit together on the most basic level. The old trust is still there and the foundations are solid. It will not be easy going forward, he’s not going to delude himself, but now he knows they can, and will, make it. He shifts just a bit closer, and next to him Bucky leans toward him as well, acknowledging and accepting.

“I’m so fucking glad to be here with you,” Steve says and somehow it even comes out steady and strong, despite the clash of emotions inside him.

“I know,” Bucky says, emphasizing both words, and Steve knows that for him too something crucial has now slotted back into its place.

They don’t say anything else, and soon they head out again, but the change in the state of Steve’s heart is unquestionable.

***

It’s late afternoon when they arrive at a cabin in the middle of the woods, only a small access road leading to it. There’s no car anywhere in sight, although Bucky must have one, because there are a lot of provisions, food and water enough for both of them for at least a week without having to stretch. They make dinner together, gradually starting to talk more and more to each other, although only about things that are of immediate concern; about the food, the process of making a meal, about the landscape around the cabin. It’s good though, the settling process inside Steve that started during their break continues, and the emptiness that has plagued him for decades is starting to fill bit by bit.

There are a million things Steve wants to know, but he understands it’s not the time to ask Bucky of them, not for a long time probably. Bucky has invited this contact but it’s only a start, and Steve knows it would be too much to push.

It’s still early when they’ve eaten, but Steve is suddenly ready to fall asleep right where he’s standing, the exhaustion that lingers from not sleeping nearly enough while looking for Tony combining with not really sleeping at all during the previous night since he’d been anxious to get on the way. Bucky pushes him gently toward the only bed in the cabin, large enough for two and piled with a mountain of blankets. Steve falls asleep almost immediately, content for once, with Bucky’s silhouette drawn against the darkening window.

Steve sleeps better than he remembers having done in ages, only waking up once, registering warmth where Bucky’s lying next to him, their backs pressed together. He’s asleep again in seconds, and wakes up when the sun is already up and Bucky is at the stove brewing coffee and frying bacon.

The next five days are quiet, nothing very exciting happens, except they’re all remarkable just because they’re together again. They don’t talk of anything significant, almost pointedly avoiding discussion about things connected to their past, their experiences, or the people they know. Instead they talk of books and movies, about history in general, about how Bucky got hooked into playing Snake on his phone for a while and how Steve has tried dozens of different recipes for omelets. Steve sketches sometimes while they sit outside, something from the landscape and other things he sees, and Bucky tends to sing, much the way he used to before the war. It’s a habit he lost in Europe, and Steve is overjoyed to know it’s returned. Now his repertoire bears both old favorites and newer songs Steve doesn’t always recognize, a variety of genres and decades. Every night they sleep next to each other, although Bucky only comes to bed after Steve has fallen asleep and is up before he wakes. It’s a process, the two of them learning how to be together again.

It’s good, wonderful really, but it’s also overwhelming, and in the end it’s too much.

Steve notices it in Bucky at first, how he clearly likes to spend time together but still feels unease that he keeps pushing back. He knows then that they’ll have to go their separate ways soon, that Bucky’s not ready to fully come back yet. It’s a realization that’s obviously dawning to Bucky as well, one that he clearly doesn’t like. Neither does Steve, but he knows as well as Bucky does that they have no choice, it would be worse trying to force it. He’s comforted by the knowledge they’ve taken an important step here, and he holds onto the belief that if only they want to in time they can come together again.

Steve is the one to put it into words, forcing himself to be bold and say what matters now, since he didn’t before they were ripped apart at the end of their war. It’s all still uncertain for them much as things were during the war and even when they lived together before it, but he thinks now it didn’t help to hold back, and so he won’t this time.

“It’s okay that you have to leave.”

Bucky looks at him, pain raw in his eyes. “Is it really?”

Steve wants to go to him, wants to pull him into his arms, but right now it would be too much, would probably break more than mend, considering they’ve barely touched outside of bed. And Steve only knows of the nights due to sometimes having risen from his sleep for a moment, chased by a dream and comforted by the line of heat along his back. They haven’t talked about it, it’s just something they do. He searches for the right words, because he understands the conflict in Bucky, understands why he blames himself for the difficulty.

“What you’ve gone through is not okay, but it’s not your fault. You need time to deal with it, and that’s okay. It’s always good to try to heal.”

They’ve been standing almost at the different corners of the room, as far away from each other as they can get while not leaving the cabin, but now Bucky takes a hesitating step toward Steve, then another. Steve follows his lead, and they meet in the middle of the room, now almost as close to each other as they can get without touching. They pause, Steve looking at Bucky, Bucky looking a bit down, his eyes trained at the middle of Steve’s chest but he probably doesn’t see it. Instead he’s looking at something inside his own head, maybe into another time. Steve waits, he knows this is important, and even this, being close enough he can almost feel the heat of Bucky’s skin is relief compared to the coldness of the decades he’s lived.

In the end Bucky shuffles yet closer, and leans toward Steve, their foreheads coming to rest together. Steve breathes out, and it’s as if yet another part of the burden of loss he’s been carrying for most of his life comes loose and leaves him along with the breath. There is nothing to say, just the consciousness of shared closeness is enough. It means the world to them, because it is a significant step toward their paths fully connecting again.

After several minutes Bucky straightens again but doesn’t step away, he stays right in Steve’s space now looking at him in the eyes, obviously remembering, questioning. He reaches to touch Steve’s hand, fingers light against the skin, moving up toward shoulder.

“I remember, weren’t we closer than we should have been? I remember touching you, but its meaning is not clear, there’s no certainty, no words.”

Bucky’s hand has traveled up and settled against Steve’s neck, and Steve raises his own hand to cup it.

“Maybe you don’t have words for it because we never talked about it. We always had to hide how we felt, so I guess it was easier to never acknowledge even to each other what it meant.”

“What did it mean?”

“You were always the most important person to me, still are.” It’s not exactly an answer to the question, but it’s the only one Steve has, because it wasn’t just that they didn’t talk about it to each other, he shied away from even thinking about the significance, beyond the inescapable knowledge of it meaning everything all at once. The specifics Bucky’s asking about aren’t clear even for Steve, even after the considerable amount of soul searching he’s done over decades. Maybe they can’t be until they’re properly together again.

Bucky nods, and his fingers twitch under Steve’s, just a hint of frustration in him. “A part of me wants to, and yet I can’t.”

It’s not a very precise statement, but Steve knows what he means, and the confession comes as a surprise. Not the sentiment, but that Bucky says it at all. So far they’ve been very tentative around each other, avoiding the more personal aspects of their past, so much that it suddenly feels like they’re moving forward with the acceleration of a free fall. Bucky’s words light up something inside Steve, something he tried to smother during the decades he believed Bucky was lost, something he never wanted to let fully ablaze even before that. Now, he’s conscious of the different potentials, of the possibilities, but he can’t let himself think of them yet. Not now that it’s only a part of Bucky that wants, maybe a part that’s confused and reaching for the past. Steve can’t afford to let himself hope for too much before he knows where Bucky will land.

“Maybe it’s better like that,” Steve says, and rushes to add, at the face of uncertainty in Bucky’s eyes, “not because I don’t want to anymore. I haven’t changed in that. But because I know how hard it is to learn that kind of touch and then having to learn to go without. And we’ll have to part, we both know it, so I think it’s better to wait.”

Bucky had clearly wanted to slip his hand out of Steve’s grasp when he started talking, but Steve held on to it, and now Bucky’s steady again, looking at him with assessing eyes. Steve thinks Bucky sees where he’s coming from, understands more than just what the words say out loud. His fingers curl a little in a definite caress at Steve’s neck.

“That’s a hell of a long time to pine, Steve.”

“I did my best not to,” Steve says, and he can tell Bucky definitely understands what he means, how hard he fought against it when it hurt so much, how he tried to recover and yet couldn’t.

The rest of the day passes much as all the others, they don’t talk anymore about their past, but what they have said is lingering between them, there is an added bit of understanding that has brought them closer. They both know too, without having to talk about it, that their time together is almost up, that the following day they must part.

That night there is a change in the routine; they go to bed at the same time, this time turned toward each other, heads resting on the same pillow, their knees knocking together. Steve doesn’t want to fall asleep, doesn’t want to waste the hours he has left with Bucky spent unconscious, but in the end there’s no fighting it and in the cozy warmth he drifts away.

***

They have breakfast together once more before Steve packs his things, and it’s still early when they set out back through the forest the way they came. They’re quiet, the impending separation weighing on both of them, even though it’s needed too. The days spent together have been wonderful, all and more than Steve would have dared to hope for, but it’s been too much. Not only for Bucky, which is understandable, but for Steve too. He hates admitting it to himself, hates that it’s true, when it’s nothing he wants or can explain. It makes no sense to him that being with Bucky is both the best and hardest thing he knows.

The hike back takes hours, but it’s still too short, because they haven’t talked about what happens after this, other than in the abstract that they will try to find their way properly to each other again. Steve hasn’t asked, because he’s still afraid of pushing, afraid of scaring Bucky by appearing too demanding even after their talk the previous day.

He needed not worry, because when they come to the place where they met, Bucky pulls out his phone and hands it back, and also shows him a slip of paper with an email address and a phone number written on it. Steve smiles, because Bucky clearly remembers that his visual memory is better than hearing, and like this he’s sure to remember without ever having to write them down. All he needs to do now is get himself a burner phone first thing after he gets back.

Bucky hesitates with his bag before pulling a thick manila folder out of it and handing it to Steve. “It’s a lot of what they did to me, maybe more than you want to know. Also a lot of what I did for them. Thought you should have a chance to decide whether you want to see it all.”

He’s hesitant, wary, and Steve can hear the underlying worry Bucky has of whether Steve will want to associate with him at all after he knows everything. It’s not a doubt he shares, and he takes the file and slides it inside his pack. He knows enough from Natasha and the meager information they’ve managed to gather that it’s going to be hard to see, but he’s going to read it through, he wants to understand. He also decides to take a risk, push just a little bit since Bucky has opened up this much, and he reaches for Bucky and carefully tugs him into his arms. He’s gentle about it, giving Bucky every chance of pulling away, but Bucky steps in and wraps his arms around him, the unyielding metal a new sensation, but it’s still Steve’s favorite hug ever.

“There’s nothing in there that can change things between us,” he says, and after a moment Bucky melts and nods, his nose brushing against the side of Steve’s neck.

“I’m going to work to get my head and everything else sorted,” Bucky says, and moves to look at Steve when he asks, “Will you do the same?” Steve almost protests he’s doing fine and not to worry, but falls silent when Bucky squeezes him. “I know you’ve been carrying a load with you for decades, I can see the pain you’re in, and I fear it might fall on your head one day if you don’t do anything about it.”

Many of Steve’s friends and acquaintances have told him he should work on solving his traumas, and get some help with the process. It’s been suggested several times that he should maybe take more help from the VA than he so far has, that he’s given more than his share without ever asking help for himself, but it’s always been too much, the knot of pain inside him too tight, too terrifying to even attempt to start to unravel. Now it’s something he needs to do, and maybe somewhere along the way he can find the reasons for why it’s hard to be with Bucky now.

“I’ll try,” Steve promises, the words settling in heart, lighting up determination.

They linger only for a moment more, both of them aware that parting won’t get any easier. When Steve finally leaves, he starts down the path, looking back when he comes to the bend. Bucky hasn’t moved, he’s still standing at the spot, and he raises a hand in farewell before finally turning away. As he walks, Steve starts making a list of things he’ll need to do once he gets back home.

***

It’s probably a good thing that even after they part Steve still has some distance to cover before he’s back at the hotel; it gives him time to decompress and realign his thoughts so that he’s ready to confront other people and civilization again. It’s only been a week but it feels longer, like the whole world has changed in the meantime, even though everything looks just the same, maybe the spring is a bit further along. He doesn’t open his phone during the walk, he wants to keep some distance to the outside world for just a bit longer. Not to mention, right now that Bucky’s presence is still so fresh in his mind, without anything diluting it, he doesn’t quite trust himself to not just call him, and it’s not a good idea with his current phone. Tony swears it’s secure, and it probably even is, other than against Tony’s considerable amount of curiosity, but it’s not certain enough that Steve would risk Bucky. For now, Steve cradles the contact information Bucky gave him in his mind, secure in the knowledge that he’ll be able to reach Bucky when he needs to.

He’s at least somewhat ready when he arrives back at Swan Lake, but he is thrown when the person at the front hands him the key and cheerfully says, “Your timing is perfect, your friend just arrived and I let her up. She’s very pretty with all that red hair.”

Steve makes a note that the security of the place is certainly lax. Not that it matters since he took anything of real consequence with him when he left to meet Bucky, leaving just some clothes behind, but it’s the matter of principle. Also their promise of not letting anyone bother him seems fairly flexible; even taking Natasha’s considerable persuasion skills into account they really shouldn’t be so happy to have let her in. He assumes it’s Nat, although now that he thinks about it, it could be someone else pretending to be her to throw him off, and so he is careful when he approaches his room. There’s an unease at the back of his mind as he wonders what it means that she has come, he doesn’t think it’s anything good. He’s really not in the mood of getting dragged into SHIELD business right now.

When he’s a few steps away, the door to his room opens and Natasha pokes her head out, obviously meaning to put him at ease. Soon as he’s in and the door is closed she says, her voice low, “You saw him.”

“I did. He seemed, well, not okay, obviously, but better than I expected from what you told me.”

“And he’s gone now?”

“Yeah. He needs space.”

She nods, chewing her lip in a gesture that is one of the few completely natural ones for her, one she lets out only if she feels comfortable. It means she’s thinking, adding the new information to what she already knew before. “It makes sense. In the beginning, it was difficult for me too to spend longer amounts of time with people, especially with those who mattered at all. I suspect it’s worse for him, because for me anyone that meant anything came to my life only after.”

Steve nods, unpacking and repacking his things, sorting them out so that he can leave. There’s no reason to stay any longer. He sets the file on the bed, knowing there’s no use trying to hide it from Natasha. “Bucky says it’s all the data he has about himself and the Red Room.”

She nods but doesn’t reach out to touch the file, appearing almost reluctant. “You should give a copy at least to Bernie, it will help establish he had no choice.”

Very soon after he’d found out about Bucky, Steve had started to think what it would require bringing him officially back to life when he eventually wanted it, and it had been immediately obvious he’d need legal help. Pepper and Peggy had helped him find and vet the right lawyer, and he’s worked with Bernie Rosenthal now for over two years, building Bucky’s defense in case someone wants to blame him for what the Red Room made him do. She’ll also be able to help with the paperwork required to bringing Bucky back to life. Steve had told Bucky about it, and it hadn’t taken any convincing at all to get him to agree it was the right course of action, although they both know that even if all goes well it’ll be years before Bucky is ready. Steve also left Bucky with Bernie’s contact information, so that he’ll be able to take over the process whenever he wants to.

“Might help us with tying a few more loose ends as well,” he says to Nat. Over the last few years they have been going after the Red Room splinter cells. They’ve been making progress, but it’s probably not possible to fully eradicate them as long as the organization has a relatively safe haven in Russia.

He finally asks, “Why are you here, Nat?”

“You were out of reach, and pretty deeply considering you didn’t reappear even with what happened. So I asked around, and decided to come and see. It’s not a good idea to leave yourself without backup for so long when it comes to the Winter Soldier.”

Steve knows she uses the name Red Room gave Bucky deliberately to remind him, a contrast to how she usually doesn’t use it at all. She just doesn’t have all the relevant information. 

“Bucky’s no danger to me, he’s stable enough.”

“Bet you didn’t know that when you set out,” she says, and Steve has to admit she has a point.

“It seems he trusts me but no one else right now, he had my phone in a Faraday cage so that it couldn’t be traced.” It only then occurs to him what she said first. “Wait, what exactly has happened?”

She pulls out her phone and shows him a news site, the headline  _ “I am Iron Man” _ blazoned on it, with photos of Tony and something that looks like a flying robot in red and gold, which does seem like Tony’s color scheme. Steve stares at it for ten seconds, but it doesn’t shift, he’s not dreaming, and the more he looks, the more he recognizes the flying armor Tony used to escape from the terrorists.

“What the hell?” he lets out, because there’s really nothing else to say.

***

Natasha rides back to the airport with Steve, leaning back on the seat and propping her feet on the dash. He doesn’t ask how she got to Swan Lake in the first place, considering she doesn’t seem to have a car. Instead he focuses on what happened with Tony. Most of it is secondhand information and some of it is speculation, she wasn’t present for any of it, which means Steve will need to do some more digging himself. It’s clear though, that Tony took an idea and ran with it in the typical manner of his, not to mention he never asked for help when he’d needed it. Steve feels guilty of not being there for him, but then again he believes Tony understands he had no choice in this matter. It remains to be seen what will come of the business of Iron Man, Steve knows Tony isn’t going to just stop, and it might lead to some unexpected consequences. At least Stane is out of the way, and Steve’s uneasiness about him now justified.

They take a flight to D.C., since Tony is apparently there, and it has an added benefit of allowing Steve to go see Peggy as well. When it comes to Bucky, she can help him sort out his thoughts better than any of his other friends. On the way Steve tells Natasha a bit more about Bucky, about his impression of how he’s doing, and she offers her advice as well. He asks too, if she’s heard of Yelena since that first time.

“I have leads, but I don’t know where exactly she is. I’m keeping an eye on things, but it’s not as pressing for me as it was with you.” She flashes a smile at him, and answers the question at the tip of his tongue before he voices it. “I’ll probably go find her in time, but not yet.”

When they arrive at D.C. it turns out Tony is actually at Peggy and Gabe’s, as luck would have it. They part at the airport, Natasha heading back to SHIELD headquarters and Steve getting picked up by Happy once more. When she’s about to get into the cab she hesitates, and finally asks, “Will you ask if he’d contact me?”

Steve is grateful that she asks for that and not a way to contact Bucky, even though she has correctly guessed that Steve has one. It’ll give the choice of whether to contact her or not to Bucky, and so Steve readily agrees, relieved he doesn’t have to decline on principle or jump through hoops working out whether Bucky wants to talk to her. All he has to do is pass the information, and Bucky can sit on it for as long as he likes. Steve does rather hope that Bucky chooses to contact her, at least eventually. After all, she too shares past with Bucky, maybe a difficult part of it but they still have something in common, and maybe they can even help each other deal with it at least somewhat. She rattles him an email address and not a phone number, probably deliberate in that they can start without having to even talk to each other, and Steve promises to pass it along as soon as he contacts Bucky.

***

Tony is the one Steve sees first after he lets himself in, having always had the keys to the Carter-Jones household. When he sees Tony talking on the phone in the hall, going a mile a minute as usual and pacing to and fro, only to hang up as Steve enters, it really hits him that there is a flying suit now, powered by the arc reactor connected to Tony’s heart. It’s no longer just a means of escape but something that’s taking a life of it’s own and will forever be part of Tony. The whole thing is straight out of the pulp novels Bucky used to like to read, although one might say Bucky himself could be right out of them too. Steve sincerely hopes no more of his friends will need artificial body parts.

It also hits him how close Tony came to dying once more so soon after his rescue, and it’s instinct really that makes him go for a hug, something he tends to avoid most of the time, since neither of them is great at physical contact. It’s obviously an exceptional day, because Tony responds easily to the hug.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Tony.”

Tony waves his hand, dismissing the worry. “We came through okay. I was going to say I forgive you if it went well with Barnes, and I don’t even need to ask. You look different, more alive than you have in years.”

The comment is casually thrown, but it shakes Steve to the core, makes him wonder how he’s appeared to his friends so far. Tony isn’t the only one to notice; inside are Peggy and Gabe with Charlotte and Anaya, and they all comment on his changed demeanor as well. He tells them a bit about Bucky, enough to satisfy the immediate curiosity, but they notice it’s not an easy topic for him, so they let it go, allowing him to just enjoy family time.

***

Later that night he’s sitting with Peggy, the file Bucky gave him on his lap. Charlotte and Anaya have left for home, and Gabe has gone to lie down. He tires easily these days, and Steve is always conscious of the fact that he’s likely to lose yet another friend soon.

“I’ve been lying awake for so many nights over the last three years, wrecking my brain over what happened to him during the decades I thought he was dead, trying to extrapolate from what little I knew. I’ve been so desperate for certainty,” Steve tells Peggy. “And now that it’s in my grasp, as much as is possible in this case I guess, I’m terrified to open this.”

“Ah yes, such a weird thing to have conflicting thoughts going on in your head,” she says, and Steve has to laugh, because it’s meant to cheer him up and it does just as she usually manages. He knows she understands, because she has wrestled with such things herself over time.

He puts the file on the coffee table. “Maybe I’ll pick it up after I’ve slept for at least one whole night.”

He also means to go home first. Even though he doesn’t say it, he wants to be somewhere private when he falls apart because of what’s in the file. He’s fairly sure he is going to.

“I’d tell you to take it in moderation, to not go through it all at once, if I didn’t know it would be futile.” Peggy of course knows how his mind ticks, and she reaches out a hand which Steve takes in his.

“I love him,” Steve says, the words just suddenly there, suddenly it’s necessary to tell her, the way he maybe should have long before. Only he’d never acknowledged it even to himself, and he didn’t have the words to explain in a way she would have understood. He thinks she still might not, but it doesn’t change the fact that now is the time to tell her.

She squeezes his hand. “I know. I’m glad you’re finally telling me, though.”

There’s so much comprehension in her eyes when Steve looks up to her, and he thinks maybe he doesn’t have to find the words to explain, because she might understand after all. It’s a relief, but also a potential source of regret. “Did you always know?”

“No. I only realized after he turned up again three years ago. And it’s probably good too, I wouldn’t have understood what it meant back during the war. I would have seen it as competition, and that never sat well with me. But then again, you didn’t really know back then either, did you?”

“No. I mean, I never allowed myself think of it, because all it would lead toward was impossibility. But over the years I’ve lived, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I still need to work through it more, I still haven’t got a full picture, but I do know how I feel.”

“Easy to see in retrospect. Trust that sensation, it’ll lead you straight and true.”

Steve takes the advice, the way he usually does when Peggy gives it, because he knows that even though they’ve walked the Earth for approximately the same time, she has lived much more fully than he has. She faced every day with open eyes and mind while he withdrew and kept a barrier up between himself and the world. It’s time now for him to step forward, to embrace and experience the world. He needs to do it because of what he promised to Bucky, but most of all for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laughing Horse Lodge exists also in our universe. [Their website](http://www.laughinghorselodge.com/) is wild.


	3. 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to talk with Bucky about where they're headed with their relationship, because he feels like they've been stagnating. There's an alien invasion that needs to be dealt with before he can get to it.

_ I’ll be in New York in a few days, _ Bucky messages.

There’s nothing more, not even after Steve replies, but it’s fairly typical of Bucky to stick to bare necessities, and Steve doesn’t worry. It’s been four years since their week together in Montana, and they have settled into a regular pattern of contact. There is something every day, just to let each other know everything is alright, and if they happen to be out of reach for some reason, they always mention it beforehand.

It’s usually just messages, they talk less often, and the intervals of their calls vary depending on where they are and what their mood is. There are still times when Bucky finds it hard to talk, times when he obviously wants to withdraw, and weeks may go with only the shortest messages, no calls. When they do talk, the lengths of the discussions vary as well, sometimes they talk for only a few minutes or even seconds, sometimes they chat for hours. Sometimes they end up having the call connected for hours, yet only exchanging a few dozen words over the duration.

They occasionally meet as well, always somewhere Steve can get on a short notice, because if someone is looking for Bucky through him, making travel plans without any other obvious reason certainly would be a red flag. When he just takes off without any discernible premade plans minimizes the risk. The only way to find Bucky now through him would be to have him under a constant surveillance, and there isn’t such, the combined efforts of Tony and Nat agree with his instinct that’s good at telling him if he’s being watched and tends to be quiet these days. He does regular bug sweeps on his car, bike, and home, changes the burner phone regularly, and is careful not to call Bucky when in public. He’s safe as can be.

Steve treasures the meetings, every minute of them is precious, because they’re a tangible proof that Bucky really is there, alive despite everything, and that he’s getting along in the world. Messages and calls are not the same, the layer of distance always leaves space for worry, and seeing Bucky helps keeping it at bay during the times in between.

They have developed a routine, and for about three years it was enough for Steve. Even though they weren’t constantly together, Bucky was in his life again instead of being in the wind, and Steve was content with it while he bit by bit learned some of the intricacies of this new Bucky. However, over the last year there has been a change in him, gradually he’s been wishing for more. He’s tried not to; he has wanted to let Bucky decide the pace of their interactions, but it’s getting harder to be patient.

He recently mentioned to Peggy it felt like there had been no discernible progress over the last couple of years, and that he was worried the state they were in might be permanent, that this might be the extent of what Bucky wanted with him. She’d prompted him to talk about it with Bucky, saying that it’s all well and good to consider his well being, but relationships never work if one person always gives in. She’d also reminded him that Bucky had told him to take care of himself, and this should be part of it.

In all honesty Steve has done his best to take better care of himself, and to actually work through the issues he’s carried within himself ever since the war. He’s kept going to VA regularly, but these days when he shares something of himself it’s not just in connection to someone else’s problems, not just to help others but for himself too. He’s letting his insecurities and troubles out, admitting that sometimes he doesn’t know what to do about it all, and in return he’s getting help, he’s getting support, and the weight in his chest is decreasing.

He’s also been more open with his friends. He knows he shut partially down a long time ago and has held people at an arm’s length without really meaning to. It’s not easy letting those parts of himself back to light, allowing others to see them, no matter how close to him they are, but it’s getting better, easier day by day. He works on finding words to describe the yawning chasm inside him, for the feelings that have for so long appeared to be too immense to articulate, and the numbness he’s tried to hide. 

He thinks he’s getting better; Peggy and Sam think so too, and they’re the ones Steve trusts the most when it comes to this. The progress is slow, especially since the biggest surprise has been how much there really is to unpack, how effectively he’s been hiding things even from himself. He’s always known he’s been ignoring his problems, but it only now really occurs to him how thorough it has been. It’s also becoming more and more obvious how good his friends have been to him, how immensely supportive, more than he’s ever acknowledged, and it weighs on him. It helps a bit when Peggy laughs at his confession, and says that he’s helped his friends too, probably also more than he knows. Perhaps there is some kind of a balance, or maybe there is no need for counting things against each other, as long as they’re all happy in their friendship, which they continue to be.

During the first three years after finding Bucky was alive, Steve tried to unpack his feelings about his failure that day on the train, about what Bucky had been through and what it meant for him. Back then he had to rely mostly on speculation, but now the guilt has taken new shapes, the additional information he has is unsurprisingly affecting him. He read the files and watched the videos that were on the memory stick inserted in the folder Bucky gave him soon after he’d gotten back home after the week in Montana. Since then, he’s gone back to them periodically, although he never again read the whole thing through at one go, and nowadays he knows all of it by heart, his photographic memory making sure of it. He did notice after a while that he tended to go back to the parts that portrayed most of Bucky’s suffering, as if looking at them was his penance. When he realized it he deliberately made himself stop, because it wasn’t in any way fruitful. Instead, he’s focused on the parts that will be useful for him to know, possible medical issues and such. Tony has several times offered to make Bucky a new arm, and Steve has even mentioned it to Bucky when he judged it wouldn’t be taken badly, but so far Bucky hasn’t been anywhere near ready to even begin to consider it.

The hardest thing about the added knowledge, both from the files and their discussions with Bucky, is knowing how close they came to each other over the years. Steve had known about it from the moment the identity of the Winter Soldier was revealed, but when he read the mission reports it struck him anew, the knowledge that Bucky had been deliberately instructed to avoid him at all costs. Steve can’t help but linger on the thought that if he’d just chased after the Winter Soldier more determinedly, he might have found the truth out much sooner. Might have cut Bucky’s suffering shorter.

Bucky reacts to these kinds of musing with indifference, which somewhat infuriates Steve, although he tries to now show it, because it’s of course Bucky’s right to take it any way he wants to.

“I didn’t really notice time with them, what with the mind wipes and stasis,” Bucky once told him, a rare occurrence of them actually talking about what happened to him, rather than passing information in less direct ways. “There’s no way you could have known, no reason you should have suspected, so don’t let it bother you.”

The last had come with a thread of irritation over the phone, and Steve hadn’t pressed, because Bucky must have his reasons for the request, even though he’d know it wouldn’t work just like that to leave the guilt behind. Steve thinks it probably helps Bucky to try and avoid thinking of the length of time he spent as a prisoner, it’s part of how he’s moving past everything that happened. All things considered, Bucky seems to be dealing with it reasonably well, but Steve knows it’s probably partly a facade.

One of the many reasons Steve is always eager to see Bucky is that there are signs of improvement every time, always something new to give Steve hope. Really though, it’s just good to see Bucky, for many different reasons concerning their history, but also simply because he is there. It’s easy being with him, the connection between them is still alive, even though it’s been dormant for decades and needs nourishment.

There are some unforeseen complications that always throw Steve, among them patterns of thought that creep upon him, delving into his mind and not letting go even when they’re unsubstantiated. When it comes to Bucky’s seemingly steady improvement, as well as the suspicion that the recovery of their relationship is stagnating, it results in the fear that since Bucky is getting better when he’s away from Steve, maybe he knows it too and is deliberately keeping distance. Steve resents the idea of Bucky not needing him, and at the same time he tries to quench the feeling, because it’s not fair, it should be enough that Bucky wants to stay in contact even without some thread pulling them together. Maybe it’s even more valuable that way, that he comes because he chooses to.

The problem is, Steve definitely recognizes in himself the need for Bucky, and he doesn’t know if he should try to wean himself out of it. Doesn’t know if he even could do so.

When Steve thought Bucky was dead there was nothing to wish for, and when Bucky was missing he didn’t dare to hope for anything, but now that they’re in a continuous contact there is a new kind of desire blooming in him, something that’s become possible with the world they now inhabit. In their old life he very deliberately forbade himself from wishing anything of Bucky that would be dangerous, wouldn’t allow himself to even consider such things, but times are different now, and the desire to shape their relationship anew sneaked on him without him really noticing it before it was already there, already invading his dreams. The possibility for them to be together out in the open, able to put words to their feelings rather than silently grasping for each other and pretending it’s less significant is intoxicating, and Steve wants it all.

He knows what he wants, but he doesn’t know what’s possible for them yet. The shape of their rebuilding relationship is still undefinable because he’s only one half of it, Bucky is the other, and even though they’ve been reconnecting again Steve doesn’t fully know what he would bring to the equation, if indeed he wants to bring anything more than he does now. Steve hopes Bucky does, and it’s not a completely unjustified hope either, but there’s no certainty, and he doesn’t want to expect too much.

He’s thinking now that this feeling in his chest is at the root of why it was ultimately difficult being with Bucky during that week in Montana. He believes that was when the desire was born, the moment it flared into life, and with it also came the uncertainty. He hadn’t recognized it then, hadn’t yet figured out what he wanted, but it had made everything more complicated. His wishes had formed into something he didn’t yet understand, and that had caused conflict within himself.

It’s been easier since then, for both him and Bucky. They’ve kept their encounters shorter and chosen settings that have more stimuli than just each other, which has made the experiences less intense. In the meantime, Steve has been able to start figuring out his wants, at least as much as he can within the current status quo, and now he knows what the warmth in his chest means when he receives a postcard from here or there, the only time he’s even a bit aware of where Bucky has been during their time apart.

Now he’ll have to figure out how to move this thing between them forward, how to take it up with Bucky. It will be better to do face to face, and since Bucky will be coming to the city in a few days it seems the circumstances are aligning themselves for him. He suspects it’s not the only serious talk they’re about to have, because when they last spoke Bucky referred to something he wanted to talk about, but hadn’t elaborated then. He too might be waiting for the opportunity to meet face to face.

Steve is just a bit apprehensive about what the topic is going to be, but he tries to push past it, tries to just have faith it’ll all be alright. In the meantime he’ll occupy his mind on how to broach his own subject with Bucky, because if he’s going to worry, it might as well be over something productive.

***

Ever since Bucky’s message and the subsequent decision to take up the matter of where their relationship is heading, Steve has been sure he’ll spend the intervening days on the edge, going over again and again in his head what he might say, what Bucky has in mind to say. Turns out the world isn’t going to let that happen, and instead he has a whole new thing to agonize over; Fury calls him about a crisis to do with an Asgardian called Loki and the Tesseract of all things. Apparently it’s bad enough that they’ve even called up Tony, and that really makes Steve take notice, because so far Fury has been extremely hesitant to let Tony into play with his Iron Man. Maybe for a reason, considering two years earlier there was the debacle of the arc reactor poisoning Tony which he didn’t tell anyone about, not even Pepper or Steve. Steve understands better than most the desire to solve problems without allowing others to worry, but it doesn’t mean he hadn’t been frustrated with Tony when he found out only after the problem had been solved.

There’s not much time for anything other than to send a message to Bucky that there’s a crisis and that he might be out of reach for several days. He hopes it’s all that Bucky will ever have to find out about what’s going on.

That hope is dashed when Loki makes a very public appearance in Germany, and everything after that is a mess and a half. It’s hard to get the group to work together as a team, because they all seem to have different objectives and backgrounds. Thor just wants to take his brother away, Bruce doesn’t want to be there at all, Tony for all his brilliancy has never learned to play well in a group, and Natasha has a double conflict going on with her loyalty toward SHIELD and worry for Clint. From the start Steve has been stewing about the Tesseract; he’s disturbed to know SHIELD had found it and had it in their possession all through the decades. With all the history he has with it, he can’t help but be distracted from the mission.

For him it all culminates to the moment after he’s forced himself inside the storage room on the helicarrier where he finds the weapons and masks Hydra used during the war. There is a deep sense of exhaustion that floods over him, the despair of seeing old mistakes remade.

He remembers that once during the many discussions he and Peggy had about the work they do and the state of the world in general, years after they’d decided they work better as friends, she’d told him there most likely would come a time when he’d end up being disappointed in some of her choices. Back then he hadn’t liked the idea, even when he’d deep down known it was a possibility considering how they sometimes disagreed on the details of how to handle things despite agreeing when it came to core values. Now he’s confronted with the moment, because he knows SSR must have confiscated the weapons and kept them, even knowing they would be useless without the Tesseract. Only it turns out they’d found the Tesseract at some point as well.

At least the weapons in the storage are inactive, which means SHIELD probably hasn’t actively tried to make them work before now. Steve still thinks they should have been disposed of decades ago, because their destructive power is the kind that shouldn’t exist in the world. They already have enough trouble with the nuclear weapons without mixing things up with guns powered by something from an unknown origin. He can guess that after the incident with Thor and the Destroyer SHIELD had been spurred on to create new weapons to combat such threats, but this feels too much like inviting the past in, especially since SHIELD has already once been infiltrated by the resurging Hydra. In the light of that, using Hydra’s iconography seems like a monumentally bad idea to Steve.

Peggy must have known of the weapons and the Tesseract, and more than that, as a director she must have made the decision to keep them even after Zola’s treachery came to light. Steve can follow her probable line of reasoning; preparation for unknown dangers and so on, even when he doesn’t agree with the outcome. Then again, he doesn’t want to wholesale judge her and SHIELD, because out of hand he’s not sure what the better course would have been, and he doesn’t know what kind of reasoning and discussions there have been related to the topic. He knows it’s all too easy to say, “Not this,” and not offer any alternatives, when there definitely is a need for some kind of a solution. He knows too, that sometimes the line needs to be drawn regardless of the lack of other comparable options.

Right now they need to thwart the threat they’re facing, and the team needs to find a way to come together despite their differences. The road continues rocky, there are both losses and gains. Natasha brings Clint to safety at least, but New York is under threat, because of course Loki targets it. Steve’s heart leaps into his throat when the portal opens while they still have some distance to cover to reach the city, and at a glance the odds seem insurmountable. Not that it’s anything new, Steve got used to taking on whole regiments with just a handful of people during the war. This feels much the same, even if the attackers are flying aliens and he has nowhere near the most unusual power set in the team. It’s familiar, and however horrible the foe, it’s not enough to make him despair.

For a moment it flashes into his mind that Bucky might already be in the city, and Steve sends a wish that he hasn’t arrived yet, that he stayed in hiding, that he doesn’t have to face another war zone.

They get an additional offer of help when Sam calls, intent on getting into action. Apparently he has the wings at the VA in Harlem where he works, and of course Tony has built combat capabilities in them. Steve feels a momentary regret that he asked Sam to get back in when Tony was missing, but then again, Sam is now very stable, and more than capable of making decisions for himself. Steve has no right to make judgments for him, and they do need all the help they can get.

From the moment they land it’s chaos; trying to get people to safety and creating a perimeter all the while struggling to just stay alive. Natasha’s idea of how to close the portal seems a viable one, but she needs time to get up to the Tower, and they’re sapping in strength. There is seemingly an endless stream of the aliens, coming up faster than Steve can put them down, and soon he’s alone and surrounded, aware that the odds are he’s going to take a major hit sooner or later.

He sees it coming, he knows he can’t protect two sides at once, and so he braces, chooses the hit he thinks would do more damage and puts the shield in front of that. The other alien drops dead next to him, then the one coming up to take its place. Steve can’t hear the shots in the general cacophony of the battle, but he knows what’s happening, knows his back is guarded now, and so he takes on the aliens coming from the other side with renewed vigor.

It’s much like the battles during the war went whenever they left Bucky back in the sniper’s position, Steve knows to focus guarding one side more closely and trust Bucky will take care of most of the enemies on the other. The aliens are stronger and faster than the soldiers back then, but Bucky’s skills, as well as improved weapon technology, mean he can keep up just the same.

There’s a moment of dread when Steve hears of the nuke, then another laced with uncertainty of whether they’re going to lose Tony, having to tell Nat to close the portal before he’s back in safety to be sure that the blow will not reach the city. In the end it’s okay, Tony comes back alive, and they’re all in one piece, if a bit worse for wear. They’ve won the day at least, but Steve still feels like he’s standing on the precipice, wondering whether Bucky will come out in the open.

***

Steve goes through the motions; he makes sure Loki is secure, helps a few trapped civilians clear the area, talks to SHIELD agents, and manages even a very pointed comment at the World Security Council, asking what they would have done after the nuke had leveled the city and the gate would have still been open. Which it would have been, considering the protective barrier around the machine was practically indestructible. Finally he collapses on a chair at the shawarma place Tony dragged them into, grateful it’s somehow still structurally sound. A minor miracle considering it’s only a block or so from the Tower. All throughout there’s no sight of Bucky.

The other Avengers seem unaware Bucky was even there. Natasha is the only exception, and she probably read it from Steve’s demeanor rather than seeing something directly to do with Bucky, since she’d already been off on an alien speeder when he started shooting. Steve discreetly confirms her suspicion, not wanting to draw anyone else’s attention in case Bucky doesn’t want to turn up, and she follows his lead on it. She’s gotten to know Bucky fairly well these days, and mostly agrees with Steve about the necessity of allowing him to have his space. Steve knows they email regularly, albeit not as often as Bucky does with him, and talk sometimes, but they haven’t met in person since that day at Tony’s Malibu house seven years ago.

Steve tries to eat, since it’ll be easier to recover from the strain caused by fighting and the few fractured ribs if he replenishes his energy stores immediately, but he is suddenly exhausted, barely able to stay upright in his chair. It’s mostly due to the worry of how being in the middle of what happened has affected Bucky. He knows that ever since his escape from Red Room Bucky has avoided conflict, even the files he gave to Steve were gleaned by stealth and not force. There may have been some instances that he’s needed to defend himself, but this has definitely been the first time he’s taken up a rifle and deliberately chosen aggression.

Steve is deep in his thoughts, and to be fair all of them probably are, no one around the table is talking, so it’s jarring when suddenly a familiar voice says, “If you’re not going to eat that, can I have it? Shooting aliens is hungry work.” Steve knows he’s gaping, but Bucky actually smiles at him. “Sorry it took me a while, I had to dodge all the government agents crawling around here. Funnily enough no one is keeping an eye on you lot, but I guess Fury thinks the two of you are enough.” Bucky nods at Natasha and Clint.

Steve makes space for Bucky between himself and Natasha, guessing he’ll probably be most comfortable there. He must have changed clothes in the meantime, because the jeans and dark gray jacket are pristine, there’s no dust, smell of gunpowder, or other evidence of the fight on him. The shopkeeper brings Bucky his own portion, so Steve doesn’t even have to share, because he suddenly realizes he’s ravenous. He digs in with as much zeal as Bucky does, only happily noting that Bucky is comfortable enough to eat around strangers, something that would have been impossible three years ago.

Steve also takes a note on how those around the table look at Bucky. Tony almost squeaked, “Barnes,” when Bucky appeared, which Steve will have to remember to poke him about. Tony’s listened to stories about the Commandos since he was a kid, since Steve saw it as his duty to let him know what was behind the comics, movies, and television shows. All the adaptations regardless of medium always take a lot of liberties with the history. It actually was one of the few easy ways of talking about Bucky back when Steve thought he was gone, telling Tony the stories. Steve thinks the two of them might become good friends in time, and Bucky will actually be interested in Tony’s tech talk.

Clint and Natasha know all about the Winter Soldier, and hence are the most wary out of everyone, albeit not in the same way. Natasha knows Bucky personally, so while she’s definitely on guard, she also gives him one of her genuine smiles for greeting. Clint is tense at the beginning, but takes his cues from her and also greets Bucky before lapsing back into silence that would worry Steve if he wasn’t so sure Natasha will make certain he’ll be alright. Sam on Steve’s other side is a bit tense as well, but he also looks like he wants to take Bucky to the VA with him. 

Bruce and Thor are both confused, but for different reasons. Clearly Bruce knows who Bucky is, but he doesn’t know about Winter Soldier, and hence has up until now been under the impression Bucky’s dead. Thor doesn’t know him at all, and at Bucky’s nod Steve briefly explains, which puts an added dose of apprehension on Bruce, which is understandable for all that Bucky isn’t a threat to him. Thor takes it calmly, just greets Bucky as a fellow warrior, and there’s so much grace and compassion in him that right then he seems to Steve more like an alien prince than even when he summoned lightning.

“Are you sticking around?” Tony asks.

Bucky tells them he’s not quite ready for it yet. He glances at Steve when he says so, and there’s something unreadable in his eyes, making Steve again wonder what he’s been wanting to talk about.

***

Bucky manages to spirit himself and Steve away from the contained area and toward Brooklyn unseen despite Steve still being in his uniform. They end up at Steve’s, and it’s the first time Bucky has been there, even though he’s always known where Steve lives. Steve is glad now that Becca insisted he should get a place with a decently sized bathroom the last time he moved; while he’s lived alone it has felt like too much of a luxury, but now with Bucky and him inside it’s none too big. He considers for about three seconds whether the uniform is salvageable, but decides that since it’s covered in alien body fluids it’s probably better to just toss it, and so it goes, along with everything else he wore excluding the shield, into the biohazard bag he has for the exact purpose. Right now he feels tired of his life, that it actually makes sense for him to have to consider biohazard containment at home.

It takes him back decades when Bucky gently examines each of his injuries, making sure none of them needs more complicated medical attention than they can manage. It’s more deliberate physical contact than they’ve shared since they reconnected, and every inch of Steve’s skin is attuned to Bucky’s touch, but even more fascinating is just looking at him. His eyes are serious, the look of concentration in them just the same as before, even though the face has changed over time. There’s now more definition in the jaw, a few more lines around the eyes, stubble when before Bucky did his best to keep his skin smooth despite his coarse and fast-growing facial hair, and his long hair is trying to escape from where it’s been tied back.

Bucky finally determines Steve is well enough that they don’t need assistance, but is reluctant to let him repay the favor, saying he stayed out of trouble, he only had to punch three aliens and wasn’t injured at all. In the end Steve glares at him until he tosses his jacket and shirts off, muttering under his breath. Steve is completely satisfied to count it as a win.

There are a few faint bruises on Bucky’s right shoulder, but they’re superficial, and Steve is willing to concede that they don’t count. It’s Bucky’s left shoulder that draws his attention, the metal goes all the way up, and around the joint is a mass of scars which suggest whoever attached the arm wasn’t concerned about doing the least possible amount of damage, just that it worked. They seem to be fading, at least, so it means there’s nothing around the joint that’s actively irritating. Steve looks closely, it’s the first time he’s seen Bucky shirtless since the war, because understandably he’s been careful about it up to now.

“It used to look a lot worse, right after I escaped from them. Turns out being out of ice and having a good moisturizer does wonders.”

There’s just a hint of cheekiness in the tone of words, but Bucky’s standing rigid, clearly waiting for Steve’s reaction, because so far he’s only stared motionless. He looks up to Bucky’s face, wanting to say something, anything, but not sure what the right words would be. How does one communicate the complexities of being the same and different all at the same time? It’s something Steve very well understands about himself, and sees in Bucky now as well.

In the end, all he can think to say is, “I’m glad you’re getting better.”

It’s as if they’re frozen in time, staring at each other, Steve sitting on the edge of the tub and Bucky standing in front of him. Later on Steve can’t remember who moved first, him or Bucky. Maybe it’s both of them at once, Bucky bending down and Steve pulling him in. It’s inevitable they should be kissing really, the day full of adrenaline washing out into relief, into this moment where Steve is naked and Bucky is shirtless, and it’s easy then to forget why they should refrain from doing so.

From the moment their lips actually touch the thought of it being a bad idea shatters, because it’s so untrue, Steve knows it now as Bucky presses closer and parts his lips against his. Before the train and the fall they knew each other’s bodies, they’d touched in so many ways for care, for support, for joy, for relief, even for pleasure without ever acknowledging it. This though, this is new, because they never kissed. It would have meant too much, it would have made it impossible to pretend, and back then they needed that shield around their hearts. No more, though, now they’re ready to take a new step, to start a new part of their lives, and joy explodes in Steve’s chest, radiant with the knowledge they can have this.

Bucky hauls Steve up to his feet, it’s better that way, they can press into each other, skin to skin after so long a time. Steve hastens to undo Bucky’s jeans, all the while kissing him, pressing into him, relishing how his body is familiar and not at the same time. Bucky’s more solid than he was the last time they knew each other intimately, during the war when they had to go on limited rations for a lot of the time and were all on the edge of their strength. Now Bucky’s ribs are not showing, they’re covered in a healthy layer of muscle, the hold of his hands is steadier than it used to be, with the metal hand cool but warming against Steve’s skin.

Bucky has to pause for a moment to get out of his boots and jeans but as soon as he’s naked he’s on Steve again, and the way he kisses is overwhelming, somehow reminiscent of his demeanor when he walked in through the shattered window of Tony’s Malibu house. He’s single-minded about it, focusing as if nothing else matters, and Steve feels every inch of the concentration on him. His mind wants to stray into wondering how amazing it is that Bucky can despite all he’s been through focus so solely on him, can stop being paranoid and discernibly keeping watch, but he pushes the thoughts away, labeling them as something he can come back to later. Since Bucky is giving him all of his focus, he deserves no less from Steve.

Not that he wants to think of anything other than sliding his hands all over Bucky’s skin, learning everything that’s new, the rough patch of skin at his hip, the slight notch on a rib not healed quite right, the plushness of his lower lip, as well as reminding himself of everything that’s still the same, the sensitiveness at his side just above the iliac crest, the spots of ticklishness. Steve files it all onto the mental map he has of Bucky, adding the details as he finds them, knowing he’ll have to come back to it later, the work impossible for one encounter. The best thing is he trusts he will be able to.

For now arousal is almost of a secondary concern, just the closeness means so much, is so satisfying that for a while neither of them pushes further, neither of them chases for release as they kiss each other on the lips, cheeks, throats, temples, everywhere they can reach without moving away from where they’re plastered against each other. Steve captures Bucky’s lips again, he really could do it all day, so much more satisfying than anything else he’s professed being able to keep doing, and more important as well.

They finally make it into the shower and even turn the water on, even though they’re not really concentrating on getting clean. The warm water is still heavenly on battle sore muscles, soothing Steve along with Bucky’s hands, so careful around his injuries. Steve feels like he could fall asleep then and there, he’s so content and comfortable, except he’s wide awake, he just doesn’t have any other words to describe it. Maybe the feeling stems from decades ago when it really was a relief, the only one he really had, to go to bed after a day struggled through cold and pain, getting to lie down circled in Bucky’s arms, safe and able to let himself forget the cares for just a moment. This moment now, the contrasting relief compared to his life in general and the day preceding reminds Steve of those nights in the past.

He’s brought from his reverie to sharper sensation when they shift and their cocks brush together, Steve’s almost painful in its hardness and Bucky’s probably the same, if the way he suddenly exhales against Steve’s lips is anything to go by. It’s urgent suddenly, the arousal tipping to the foreground in his mind, and Steve reaches down and wraps his fingers around both of them. At the first stroke Bucky kisses him, hard and insistent, pushing tongue inside his mouth, claiming and asking all at the same time, and Steve is happy to give everything to him, happy to chase release together.

They’re fast falling into incoherence, leaning on the wall on one side, no longer able to really kiss but just breath against each other’s mouths, the room filling with steam and their harsh breathing, both of them as soundless as they learned to be long ago. Bucky shifts his hand, grasps Steve’s hip harder, the metal digging into flesh, bruising, and it throws him over, makes him spill into his hand. Swaying, Steve locks his knees and shifts his grasp, fingers now around Bucky’s cock only, and it takes just a few more tugs, just a whispered encouragement to get him to come.

***

They eat after the shower, ravenously digging into Steve’s stores of pre-prepared meals in the freezer. It’s not unheard of him to come back home from a mission hungry with a barest amount of energy, and hence he’s made sure he doesn’t need to go anywhere or even make much of an effort, just heat and eat. These days he’s less active on the field, but quite frankly the same applies to coming home from charity events too. It definitely simplifies things now, and they go to bed satisfied, shifting a bit until they end up spooning, Bucky’s metal arm around Steve’s waist, still careful of his healing ribs. The last time Steve was the little spoon was sometime before that last mission with Bucky, on the way to intercept the train in the cold when they doubled up in the bedrolls for warmth. It had been good even then, but this time is much more satisfying.

He doesn’t fall asleep even though it’s good to lie down, it helps with the healing, but drowsiness stays away, pushed aside by the awareness of Bucky’s body against his. Bucky doesn’t sleep either, but they don’t talk, just stay there together as comfortable as they’ve ever been.

The reasons why he thought this might not be a good idea come back to Steve now, and he knows that when Bucky inevitably leaves, as he earlier said he would, it’ll be more difficult to bear now that the knowledge of how Bucky feels against his skin is refreshed in his mind. Yet, he also knows he’s not going to regret this, because acting out their feelings has made him so happy, and based on his demeanor it’s the same for Bucky too. It’s worth it to have shared their first kiss even if they have to wait until the next one. The way they’re feeling now is worth a bit of a struggle, and maybe he was wrong, years ago when he said it would be easier to not be intimate if they couldn’t make it a regular thing, or maybe it just depends on the circumstances. Perhaps they needed to be the people they are now, to have made it to the state of recovery they’ve reached for it to work. Whatever it is, Steve is grateful for these hours, however many he gets to spend with Bucky.

He’s not keeping time, all he knows is that the night darkens as they lie there basking in each other’s presence, not talking about anything but not falling asleep either. Finally Bucky shifts, but not to move away, just pressing even closer, his hand flat over Steve’s sternum.

“I was going to ask if you’d come with me,” Bucky says.

“Yes,” Steve answers immediately, because there’s no other possible choice for him. He only thinks when the word is already out of his mouth. “How do you mean though, where are we going?”

He tries to turn in the bed to look at Bucky, but can’t, Bucky keeps him pressed against his chest, and Steve yields, understanding that it’s a topic that’s easier for Bucky to discuss without eyes on him. He’s not unsure, though, there’s a mixture of amusement and exasperation in his voice, no hesitation.

“Don’t you know it’s unwise to agree if you don’t know what you’re agreeing to?”

“I know, but I also know you. You wouldn’t ask me anything bad.”

“Still, it’s complicated.” Bucky is mostly grumbling just for appearance’s sake, it seems, and Steve has to stifle his laughter, the happiness in his chest trying to bubble out.

“Then explain it to me so I can make an informed decision.”

Bucky is quiet for a second, gathering his words apparently. “I said earlier I’m not ready to come back here and start living as Bucky Barnes in general. I know I could technically do it, Bernie has been very clear with me about what it would require, but I’m not there yet. I just don’t want to be alone anymore either, so I wanted to ask if you’d come with me, crazy as it is.”

“It’s not crazy,” Steve says, his voice threatening to break.

“You’d have to give up a lot of things though, I know you like to go to the VA, and see your friends regularly, there’s your work and so on. If you come with me you’d have more limited contact with them.”

“But more with you.” Steve manages to turn around now, Bucky’s arms loosening around him. “I’ve had them for years and decades, they will all understand. I want to give my time to you now, and trust me when I say it’s not a hardship, I’m not getting less than I give up.”

Bucky looks like he wants to keep arguing, but thinks better of it, and finally smiles. He looks happy, just as Steve is, elated because he now knows he doesn’t have to get used to separation. He’ll get to spend his time with Bucky, and it’s a welcome change, a step that feels right for them now. Apparently they both had been thinking along the same lines; that it was a time to move forward.

***

They pack that night and Steve arranges for his apartment to be taken care of while he’s gone. In the morning he heads out to the SHIELD headquarters for a debrief, and Bucky takes care of moving what little he wants to bring, taking all the food from the apartment to a soup kitchen, and otherwise finalizing things. It takes a few hours to go over the battle once more, but they get it done, and the final item on the list is to head to Central Park to send Thor off with Loki and the Tesseract. Steve is happy to see it gone, it’s been the source of too much destruction he’s seen, too much agony for him personally, and the Earth is better off without it.

Then it’s time for goodbyes among the group; they’re all heading back to their lives once more, albeit forever changed. Steve tells them he’ll be away from the city for a while, but doesn’t say where they’ll go, not that he knows it himself either, because they haven’t decided yet. He leaves his phone with Tony in respect of Bucky’s paranoia, but gives them all the email he uses, promising to stay in contact. He tells Tony to trust Pepper when she says something he and Bruce undoubtedly will want to build is not a good idea, and promises Sam he’ll make a video message for the VA group he’s been frequenting, shrugging when Sam very pointedly tells him it’s about time he takes a real break.

Finally he takes the shield and hands it to Sam. “I’m not going to need it where I go, so you hang on to it, and if you think it’s needed, you know what to do.”

Sam’s eyes go round at the offer, his throat clicking with the dry swallow of surprise, but when he takes the shield his hands are steady and his gaze unwavering. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all anyone can be asked to do.”

Natasha falls into step with him as he turns to go. “I take it you’re not about to go on a tour to destroy Red Room cells?”

“No. I think we’ll just settle somewhere quiet, figure out how to live with each other again.”

She smiles and squeezes his hand. “It’s good you know you can’t expect to just fall into the old ways.”

“What about you, still continuing with SHIELD?”

“I think I’m going to take a vacation too, maybe rethink things. I remember what you said back then, that it might come a day when I’ll need to reconsider whether this is the right thing for me. It’s time for that now. I needed the structure SHIELD provided, but no longer. Now I have to decide what I want.”

“Good. I know you’ll find your place.”

“I might go see an old friend, I’ve known for a while where she’s staying, and time might be ripe for reconnecting.” She smiles, looking genuinely happy, and Steve is happy as well for her.

“Promise me you’ll be careful if you decide to go take out the remaining Red Room cells.”

“I will. I might ask Sam and Clint come with me, about time they do their part.”

Steve hugs her, and when they part she looks past him and waves at Bucky who’s leaning on Steve’s bike. He raises his hand in greeting, but doesn’t come to them, and she turns away, running to the car where Clint and Sam are waiting for her.

“Do you want to drive or will I?” Steve asks.

“I think we should do like we always used to, you drive and I shoot if necessary.”

“You think we’re going to run into a situation that requires shooting?” Steve asks as he climbs on the bike, waiting for Bucky to settle behind him.

“Depends on how keen those badly undercover SHIELD agents are to try and follow.”

Bucky’s arms around him are a familiar weight, and Steve peels into traffic, their next destination already agreed beforehand.

***

The first stage of their journey isn’t long at all, but it is kind of cumbersome, because Steve doesn’t really like riding the bike in the city. On the plus side, apparently no one is following them. When they park in front of the townhouse in Brooklyn that Becca lives in, Bucky doesn’t make a move to climb off the bike for a long time, he just sits there leaning into Steve, obviously seeking comfort which Steve is all too happy to provide. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for Bucky to make the decision.

Four years ago Steve was the first person Bucky decided to contact again. He’s said that back then it was a draw that proved too much for him to avoid. Despite having had conflicted feelings even when he called Steve to Montana, Bucky has said he doesn’t regret the week they spent together there or anything after. It wasn’t too soon despite the complications and the subsequent separation. Since then Bucky has expanded his circle; he has been talking to Natasha, and even reconnected with the Commandos left, Jim and Gabe. Steve is especially glad Bucky managed to get in touch with Gabe in time; he’s been gone for three years now, and of the people they knew during the war now only Jim and Peggy remain. Curiously, Bucky had timed his visit with Gabe so that Peggy had been away, something Steve thinks must have been intentional, considering how little time Peggy spent away from her husband during his last months. He hasn’t asked about the reasons, but maybe he’ll understand better in time.

Bucky hasn’t reconnected with Becca yet, and Steve gets it, understands the feelings of failure and shame he has that make it hard to face her. He also knows all about how feelings aren’t always founded on truth, and can paint fears into bigger monsters than are actually warranted. In this case, it’s not that Bucky doesn’t care; in truth he is extremely proud of her, the determined girl he left to go to war having grown into an accomplished woman. Steve thinks her success, and the clarity of values she has demonstrated in every article she has written makes it harder for Bucky to meet her.

Steve has talked about him with Becca by Bucky’s leave, regularly passing along how he’s doing. Becca understands Bucky’s hesitation to see her, even when she’s considerably more exasperated about it than Steve is, and more than once has told Steve to tell Bucky she’ll never forgive him if she dies of old age before he scrapes up the courage to visit. Privately Steve suspects that time isn’t anywhere near, at eighty-seven she’s in better condition than many who are two decades younger, and Steve wouldn’t be surprised at all if she made it to hundred at least.

Finally Bucky heaves out a sigh and climbs off, and Steve does the same. They go up the stairs to the front door together and Steve rings the bell, Bucky staying a couple of steps back. Steve thinks if it were 1942 Bucky would be fidgeting, but that tendency has been burned out of him, and instead he’s just even more tense than usual.

Becca opens the door, shooing one of her cats away when it tries to come out to see who it is, and only then greets Steve in her usual direct manner. “Well, I’m glad to see the aliens didn’t make mincemeat out of you.” The relief is obvious, but there’s also a glint of fascination in her eyes. “I still have hard time to believe we’ve been visited by aliens. I would have had a field day if I was still working.”

Steve goes in for a hug, and she holds him tighter than usual, telling him she must have been worried. “I had some help keeping me out of trouble, and he’s here to see you.”

Steve steps aside to let her see Bucky, and it’s the first time ever he’s seen her speechless, she just blinks at Bucky, as if trying to convince herself her eyes are not lying. There is a glisten in them and her hold of the door goes lax, and Steve has to grab the cat that darts out. Happily it’s the one that really likes him, so it’s content to settle in his arms, purring up a storm. Bucky stays tense, slight uncertainty lingering in his eyes as long as Becca doesn’t say anything, but Steve thinks he’s not far from tears either.

Finally Becca chokes out, “I don’t know whether to say you look better than you’ve any right to be at ninety-five or that the years have taken their toll,” and at that Bucky actually smiles at her.

“You on the other hand look pretty as ever, little Becca.” He steps up and hugs her, tension leaking away from his shoulders.

“Terrible flatterer still, I see, although I don’t know why you think it will work on your sister. Should save it for Steve.” These days she knows all about their relationship, they’d agreed in Montana to tell her. Steve got embarrassed during that discussion much before her.

“I’ve done fine with insults so far,” Bucky tells her, and she laughs while gesturing at them to come in.

Steve volunteers to make the coffee with Becca telling him to take out the cake she baked just that morning, and he leaves them to talk in private in the living room. He takes some coffee and cake to them, but has his own in the kitchen, giving Becca’s three cats all the petting they desire. He can hear the murmur of voices from the other room, he’d be able to pick up the words if he concentrated but he doesn’t, just lets the comforting sounds wash over him. They’re both part of his family, and he’s happy they’ve finally found their way back together.

After an hour he’s called in, and he and Becca end up telling funny stories from across the years to Bucky, who laughs out loud properly for the first time since the war. They also have dinner together, and when they leave, promising to stay in touch even when they’re away, there is a new sense of calm and satisfaction about Bucky.

***

They head to D.C. next, because Steve wants to see Peggy before he leaves. They arrive in the middle of the night in the truck they switched on at New Jersey, having left Steve’s bike in storage at a garage. Bucky had remarked that no one would expect to find it in Jersey, Steve being Brooklyn through and through, so it’s a good hiding place. They stop at a relatively shabby hotel, the manager not even blinking at the request of just one room, which still gives a warm glow to Steve, it somehow hitting him even more than usual now that he’s actually in a relationship with a man for the first time.

They sleep fitfully, distracted by the new bed and consciousness of tight surveillance in the city, even though they’ve parked so that their truck isn’t visible to any cameras. They’re awake well before they can even think of calling at Peggy’s, and as they’re not particularly hungry, they stay in bed, arms wrapped around each other. There’s tightness again in Bucky, a frown between his eyebrows that Steve can’t explain.

“Are you coming with me to Peggy’s?”

Bucky takes a long time to answer, and in the end just shakes his head. “We weren’t really close.”

It’s true; after that first attempt to flirt with her that got shot down Bucky was always polite to her, treated her fairly and respected her, but he always kept a distance and never got as friendly with her as the rest of their team did. Steve still doesn’t fully understand the reasons for it, he has some suspicions but nothing concrete, and he knows it’s not the time to push. Peggy would be happy to see Bucky, but this is most likely something there’ll be no use to try to persuade him to do, so Steve won’t even try.

They agree on a meeting spot before signing out of the hotel, and Steve takes a cab to Peggy’s. She’s still living in her and Gabe’s house, although over the last year it’s been getting tough for her to manage, and Steve knows her family is already considering how to suggest she should move to assisted care. He knows she’ll have a bit of a hard time having to rely on people, having been supremely capable for most of her life, but age is catching up with her as well as the realities of it. She has been fading since Gabe’s passing, and Steve is keenly aware that she too might soon be gone. He talked already to both Charlotte and Sharon, who these days are the ones most often with Peggy, making them promise to contact him if it looks like she’s getting worse, because he doesn’t want her to leave without getting a chance to say goodbye.

Peggy’s having a good day though, no pain or fatigue, and they spend a few very enjoyable hours together. She is interested in the whole deal with the aliens, and they talk about that for a while, pondering if it means aliens appearing on earth will become more commonplace, since it’s the second year in the row.

Steve asks about the Hydra weapons, too, and says he understands the guns but not why the masks were kept, and she explains she wanted there to be a visceral reminder of the guns’ origin, of what kind of a step it would be to use them. She had hoped whoever was going to make the decision, they’d think carefully whether it would be worth it. The reasoning makes sense to Steve, even though he can’t quite say whether he agrees on everything with her, because it’s a complicated issue and he hasn’t had much time to really think on it. He does agree with her that they should always remember their past, so as to not make the same mistakes, so that they’ll avoid stepping on the slippery slope that leads to ruin.

They don’t linger on it, but move to more personal matters, and Peggy of course knows something is up.

“About time too,” she says when Steve tells her about the plan to head off with Bucky.

“Sam said the same thing.”

“I’m sure, he has the most sense out of any of your friends.” She grins and Steve has to concede the point.

She doesn’t seem particularly surprised that Bucky didn’t want to visit. “In retrospect it’s obvious he saw me as someone who was taking you away from him, even though I think he also was stepping aside, wanting you to have a future that was safer than the two of you could have ever had even if you’d taken the step to actually talk about it back then. Would make sense considering some of the things he said.”

She doesn’t go into detail, only tells him that Bucky had been distant, and that she’d been almost sure he didn’t approve of her, maybe thinking she only saw Captain America, but that he had once offhand mentioned it was good that she and Steve were getting closer.

After he’s said his goodbyes and is walking away, Steve lingers on her words, the possibility of what Bucky may have been thinking back then, and maybe even now, begins forming in his head. He knows too, that there are a few things he has to make absolutely clear, because Bucky deserves to know exactly where his heart lies. His actions might speak for themselves, but Bucky hasn’t been around for his whole history, and hence can’t know everything. It’ll hopefully be easy enough to set everything right.

***

They drive away from D.C. and from the life they’ve been leading over the last few years, Bucky behind the wheel, Steve leaning back, not really caring where they’re going. They haven’t talked about a destination, Steve hasn’t any real preference and there probably isn’t any on Bucky’s mind either. It doesn’t really matter to him, anywhere is fine since they’re going together. They don’t talk much, just let the miles go past.

Steve is thinking of what he’s going to say, he wants the words to be the right ones, wants there to be no chance for misunderstanding, and so he doesn’t rush into it, he takes his time. He notes that Bucky gradually relaxes, and as the distance to D.C. grows he seems calmer, more at ease. No one is following them, and Steve starts feeling exhilarated, free in a way he hadn’t even known to miss. He grins at Bucky and reaches out to squeeze his hand, and when Bucky holds onto it he doesn’t try to pull back, leaving the connection between them.

They stop in the middle of nowhere near midnight; it’s a warm night so they decide to sleep on the truck bed rather than seeking a motel. They’d prepared to do so anyway on occasion, and so they have a camping mattress that fits them both as well as sleeping bags that they zip together, and soon they are very comfortable. They’re not falling asleep immediately, though, and Steve finally knows what he wants to say to Bucky.

“Back in 2005, Natasha asked me what you meant to me, and I told her you’re the most important person in my life, always had been, always would be, even though we hadn’t been together for six decades.”

Bucky makes a soft sound where he’s resting his head over Steve’s chest, indicating he’s listening.

Steve draws a breath. “Back during the war and after it I loved Peggy, and I still do, really. But it didn’t work out.”

“Because you don’t age,” Bucky says, propping himself up to look at him, clearly so sure he’s correct it doesn’t come out as a question at all.

“No. Even if I’d grown old at the same rate as her, it still would have been the same, we would have broken up, and she would have married Gabe. She has been happy, and I’m happy for her. It didn’t work between us, because at the time I wasn’t ready to open up the way I should have, the way she deserved. I wasn’t ready to live my life fully.”

Bucky frowns, working out the new information, but he seems to believe Steve. There’s yet another point to make.

“But listen, I meant it when I said to Nat you always were the most important person in my life. It was true also on every day I’ve loved Peggy, and the only reason I looked elsewhere was because I knew we couldn’t be together. I was incredibly lucky to find two people that I could see myself spending my life with, only I didn’t commit to it with her because I was so mixed up after the war, and it’s taken me decades to start fighting my way back. I’m not making that mistake again, and trust me, I don’t think I’m settling for second best now.”

Bucky looks at him, his face shadowed in the darkness, but Steve can see enough to be able to tell the lines of worry slowly smooth out. Finally Bucky lays his head back down on his chest and says, “Okay.”

They don’t talk anymore that night, and Steve knows that while it’s a step to the right direction, that some insecurity has now been banished, they’re still far from having learned to live together again, from really having made this work. He was telling the truth when he said he wants to work on it, and he believes Bucky wants to do so as well. After all they have a long time to make it happen, their lifetimes spanning out further than either of them can predict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A+ for effectively moving forward, guys. If only it was always that easy.


	4. 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since they left New York, Steve and Bucky have settled happily into life together, finding a balance even though there are still difficult days.

Steve wakes up at the usual time, refreshed and ready for the day. Turning his head, he finds Bucky already awake, curled up on his side and staring at him, dark shadows under his eyes.

“You didn’t get much sleep, did you?” he asks, even though he knows already.

Bucky hums and blinks at him, exhausted because he has barely slept for the whole week now, and it’s taking its toll.

“You’re supposed to get up if you wake up during the night,” Steve gently reminds.

Bucky’s sleeping patterns are erratic at best, something that Steve had suspected but hadn’t known was as bad as it is before they started living together. While he was a prisoner of the Red Room Bucky mostly didn’t sleep; he was kept in cryostasis between the missions, and during them he was usually kept alert with the help of stimulants, only allowed to sleep if it was deemed a bigger risk to the mission to keep him awake rather than let him sleep and risk the possibility of his programming partially resetting. As a result his body has forgotten the regular sleeping cycle, and it’s been difficult for him to learn it again. Realistically, Steve knows it’ll still take years before Bucky is regularly sleeping well, and he might never be out of the risk of suffering from bouts of insomnia, but it is at least getting better. Not that it’s much of a consolation on mornings like this.

Bucky has routines for what to do when his insomnia acts up, a lot of them recommendations from medical journals he’s read, and by trial and error found out whether they work on him. The advice to not stay in bed if not sleeping is generally beneficial, and Bucky usually sticks to it, going to the living room if he wakes up and can’t immediately fall asleep again. Usually Steve wakes up soon after and follows, not wanting Bucky to be alone. As a result Bucky sometimes just doesn’t go, reasoning that at least Steve should get a good night’s sleep. Predictably Steve feels guilty about it in return, being the cause of Bucky foregoing his routines, but then again he knows Bucky’s the same about him not getting enough sleep. They’re currently balancing in the middle, and while it’s not ideal, so far they haven’t found a better solution.

He pulls Bucky to him, cuddling close, again sending thanks to whoever might be listening that they get to be together at least, even though it’s sometimes a struggle. It’s still infinitely better than the decades when he thought Bucky was dead or the years when they only met on occasion, if at all.

“How’s the weather look?” Steve asks, his face burrowed into Bucky’s chest, not wanting to move yet.

“Clear. No rain, should be a beautiful day.”

That at least is a relief, there have been a lot of rainy days during the fall. “Want to take a ride today? There might not be too many chances left before winter.”

Bucky doesn’t even hesitate, the pleasure clear in his voice despite tiredness. “Yeah, let’s do that.”

***

They’d wandered a bit around the contiguous US after they left D.C., not going anywhere in particular, just learning to be together again on daily basis. Steve had allowed his beard to grow, and after a while he could walk on the streets of any town and be fairly sure people wouldn’t recognize him. As weeks passed, they’d become more and more conscious that the way they were going about it wouldn’t work for them on long term, and had decided that it would be better to find a place to settle. They were still finding their way around each other after the decades spent apart, and it would help with that if something at least was stable. Two months after leaving D.C. they’d settled in a house at the outskirts of Duluth, Minnesota.

They’d wanted a big enough city that their neighbors wouldn’t be too keen to meddle in their business, somewhere they could blend in among the masses, and a place that was relatively cold so it wouldn’t look strange that Bucky always wore long sleeves. During summers he gets some odd looks, but it’s not so unusual that he stands out. Duluth meets all their criteria, and it also helps that the city isn’t familiar to them from before. Despite having known each other for a long time, and having lived several years in the same apartment, moving back together was still something that both of them considered a fresh start, and a new city felt right for that. As weeks and months passed, they became certain they’d made the right choice, because the newness allowed them to find the current shape of their relationship, rather than them trying to fit into the old mold.

Steve got a new bike fairly soon after they’d settled, despite Bucky’s comments about him being predictable. It was the first time in ages that he actually bought one for himself; most of his bikes ever since the war have been gifted to him by manufacturers. A lot of companies want to give him things, want to benefit from his image, but the bikes are one of the few things he’s actually accepted. With everything else, he’d usually make a deal where the benefits went to a good cause of one kind or another, helping the community. He’d be part of the publicity, so he’d do charity rather than product endorsement even when the company name was included, and he’d always research the companies before agreeing to work with them.

When it comes to bikes, so far he’s always had cruisers, they felt a natural continuation to the bikes he first had during the war, and he’s never seen a need to change. Over the years he’s driven all kinds of bikes, and can get around on pretty much any make and model if needed, even though there is a very definite image in people’s minds about what kind of a bike he prefers. This time though, he got a different type, which in part helps with misdirection. It’s a sports-tourer, a suitable compromise between handling and comfortably seating two, which was one of his major priorities.

Steve still sometimes rides alone, especially on days when it happens that one or both of them need some space. It’s more common for them to go together, though, and it’s not the first time they’ve set out after Bucky’s sleepless night. Apparently it soothes him, the steady motion and not having to do anything but hold on to Steve. Most of the time he’s pressed as close as he can get to Steve, chest against back, and it’s an exhilarating feeling for Steve, the road stretching ahead, Bucky’s arms tight around him, no need to be or do anything else. They have radios in their helmets, so they can talk to each other, and they often take trips that last all day.

It’s particularly gorgeous that day, fairly cold but there’s no frost anywhere, so the roads are safe. It’s almost as if the fall is trying to make up for all the gray days they’ve had. They also have warm biking outfits, so they’re actually more comfortable than in the heat of summer. The leaves have mostly turned, there’s some green still but most are already displaying their fall glory; reds, yellows, and oranges in every shade imaginable. The sky is deep blue, no clouds in sight, and as they set out Steve chooses a road that’ll lead them through a forest where they can enjoy the scenery.

They stop for a lunch at a diner they found the previous summer, one that serves huge hamburgers and perfect fries, and come back home in the late afternoon when the sun is already low. Bucky seems more relaxed when they arrive, and continues to be so throughout the evening. He keeps yawning, not a surprise considering the week he’s had, but his tiredness seems content, not frustrated like it was in the morning. Steve gives Bucky a massage after they’ve showered to help with the kinks around his metal shoulder, and Bucky falls asleep right after drinking a glass of water. He seems to fall into slumber easily, and Steve tentatively dares to hope he’ll actually make it through the night without waking.

***

Steve has always hoped for better things in general, not so much for himself but for the world, and he has worked to do his part to improve things where he can, but he’s also very much a realist. He had to grow to be one, considering all the troubles he went through; they didn’t leave much room for illusions even when he was young, no matter how hard his mother worked to make sure he was at least a bit sheltered during his childhood.

From the start he was very much a realist about how things might go with Bucky, that there would be hard times, such as neither one of them could predict and all the more difficult because of that. He was right, and so he has been able to weather the difficulties relatively well, even though they sometimes take a shape that makes him want to scratch his head. Sometimes he can’t see any logic in why a particular thing would cause trouble, it just happens and they have to find a way through. Being mentally prepared helps, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t days that are taxing. On the other hand, the good times have been and are so much better than he ever dared to imagine, and they sometimes do manage to surprise him. All counted together, they’re happier than they were apart, and it helps them push through the difficult days and weeks.

During the four years before New York when they met only occasionally, Steve always suspected Bucky was putting up a bit of a front, pretending to do better than he actually was. When they started living together, the suspicion was proved to be correct, there were a lot more ups and downs than had been apparent, not just with the sleeping, even though it’s the most common issue. During their drive around the US Bucky had been doing well, and Steve had hoped that maybe he’d been wrong, maybe Bucky really was where he’d presented.

Two weeks after they had settled in Duluth Bucky had had a bad night, and from there had started a more difficult stretch during which he’d barely slept, had been more on edge and needed distance. It had worried Steve, that maybe somehow his presence wasn’t a good thing. He’d done his best to banish that thought; after all Bucky had asked for him to come with him, Steve hadn’t forced himself on Bucky.

After a week things had started to get better, and they’d then had perhaps the most honest and revealing conversation they’d ever had about where they were, about their struggles, and how they were dealing. Bucky had admitted having put a light spin on his bad days before, and the first stretch of living together had been so easy that it seemed to have temporarily overwritten the hard times. It obviously hadn’t lasted, the baggage he carries in his mind had reminded them of itself, and it would take time and effort to manage all of it. They’d agreed to at least try and talk about the hard times, even when they were frustrating, agreeing not hide things from each other. It has taken them a while to learn, they’re still not perfect at it, but they’re getting better at communicating with each other all the time.

Since then there have been ups and downs for both of them, because sometimes Steve finds it hard to settle, the familiar feeling of uselessness trying to take him over. Sometimes he’s at their house that’s not quite home but closest to one he’s had since before the war, and he’s restless, mind listing all the things he could be doing for others with his strength and influence rather than hiding here and building his own happiness. It’s not the first time it’s happened, he’s had bouts of it all through decades, and it has been pointed out to him that it’s not healthy feeling like that, because his worth as a person isn’t tied to his work. Those days it takes more effort than it should to just be there, but Bucky always manages to make it easier, and it appears to be helping him too, knowing that Steve also needs someone to lean on. What they have is reciprocal, not just a one way street.

They get past every difficult day, sorting out the tangles of Bucky’s nightmares, finding truths of their past and bit by bit accepting them, and Steve believes a bit more every day that it’s enough to just be, reminded of it by Bucky smiling at him just because he came into the same room.

They’re not the same people they were when they previously lived together, but now, after almost two and a half years they’re as close knit as ever, as comfortable as they can be, and Steve has been enjoying it more than he really knew to expect. He thinks it’s because before the war he was too preoccupied with trying to make himself useful, trying to prove to the world he deserved to be around whatever other people might say. Because of it he hadn’t been able to stop and really appreciate the quiet times when they were content. There was always the undercurrent of a new day coming, of needing another chance. Now he’s learning to move away from those kinds of thoughts; he has been useful for a long time, and he now knows it doesn’t mean happiness. These days he tries to strive for that, first and foremost, and now that they’re in a state where the bad days are an exception rather than a rule, it’s not so difficult to relax and believe he doesn’t need to do something to deserve happiness.

Now he likes the quiet moments whatever shape they take. Today it’s sitting at the corner of the couch, doodling in his sketchbook, the rain pattering against the windows and Bucky’s soft singing providing the soundtrack to his day. Bucky is baking, he likes it because it utilizes his skills for precision and patience that were honed sharp and sometimes protest not being used. He also delights in versatility, learning to make something and then starting to expand and improvise with it, the way he never was allowed when prisoner. Ever since he started baking about half a year after they settled in Duluth, his need for solitary days has decreased, the activity providing him with something he needs. It also provides them with cakes, tarts, and pies of a splendid variety. Steve has found that with Bucky’s hobby and the lessened activity he hasn’t struggled with getting enough calories at all, hasn’t needed to resort to protein shakes even once.

Today there are apple cupcakes with peanut butter frosting, perfect for fall, and Bucky brings them out with coffee, settles right next to Steve and picks up the book he’s been reading. Steve couldn’t wish for a better way to spend an afternoon.

***

They’re happy even though this life is temporary, they’re not going to stay in Duluth indefinitely. It suits them for now, but it almost feels like a limbo, with all contact to their friends happening via phone, email, and sometimes video chats. Over time Bucky has become less paranoid, and now Steve’s closest friends know where they live even though no one visits them. They don’t talk about it often, but they’re both aware they will one day have to move forward again, back to New York, back to being more involved with things, and officially back to life in Bucky’s case. There are many things they will need to sort out yet, but the time is nearing.

Steve is perfectly aware that he would not be content living like this for the rest of his life. It’s been necessary beyond properly reconnecting with Bucky, he’s needed to sort out a few destructive thought patterns he’s always had regarding his work, but he’s doing much better now, and he’s confident he’ll be able to find a balance with it better than before. He believes he won’t ever again feel so lost if he has to take a break. Still, he’s started missing the camaraderie he had with the SHIELD team he used to work with, as well as the group at VA, and the other charity work he does. He misses seeing his friends. He also misses Brooklyn, and he thinks the way it hasn’t quite felt like home in recent years won’t be an issue anymore when he goes back, because they’ll be together. He’ll probably be ready to embrace it as it is now, and move forward with it rather than looking into past and only remembering what he’s lost.

He knows there’s a part of Bucky that wants to stay hiding forever, that there are still days when the idea of taking his life officially back and the inevitable frenzy that’ll follow it seems impossible to face for him. Steve also knows that part is weakening, and now instead of mostly dodging when the discussion steers toward the life they have waiting for them, Bucky has started to engage with the idea.

Bernie has all the legal matters already prepared for Bucky. They’ve decided it’ll be best to go via the army channels, since Bucky was a prisoner of war, and she is confident they have enough evidence to prove he acted against his will, could not have resisted, and isn’t responsible for the actions he was forced to take part in. Bucky had protested that surely the last nine years he’s been hiding would count against him, but Steve had pointed out that he as Bucky’s commanding officer has been aware of him all the time and has accepted his actions, so it should be fine. Considering he’s technically retired from the army, and for the most part didn’t know exactly where Bucky was, Bucky has argued it’s a bit flimsy reasoning. Steve and Bernie think they have a good chance, though, and Bucky seems to be starting to accept it as well.

The second thing to consider is their relationship. It will be virtually impossible to keep it a secret, since there’s no question whether they’re going to live together, and it’s public knowledge that Steve is bisexual. Not to mention he’s always refrained from talking about Bucky at all in the context rather than lie about their relationship. Hence, even if they’ll keep a low profile, people will speculate at the very least, and most likely there will be a hoard of paparazzi camped at their door trying to get a scoop. Because of it, Steve believes the best course would be just to admit it, because then the cycle would run its course and people would get bored soon enough with no mystery left.

Having been out for decades now and living through the changes in society, it’s a lot more natural conclusion for Steve to publicly reveal their relationship than it is for Bucky. Intellectually he of course knows how things are these days, he has often expressed his approval, but knowing something and living it are two different things. It’s another hurdle they will have to cross, but it’s a relatively minor one, and Steve is confident it’ll all go well.

It’s still difficult for Bucky to talk about what they mean to each other, and Steve has respected it by mostly following his lead. They never used to speak of it, they never wanted to put words to it, because then it would have been too real, too dangerous. Then there are all the decades Bucky spent with the Red Room weighing down on him, years when everything had to be kept secret, because he wasn’t supposed to have anything, not even thoughts, outside of what he’d been given. Now the danger is past, but the switch toward opening cannot happen instantaneously.

On the other hand, Steve has become used to talking about feelings and relationships, not the least because of all the talks he’s had with Charlotte ever since she started realizing she didn’t fit the mold of heterosexuality that most people held as a norm. It has also come to him that he actually wants to put words to their relationship, wants the clarity and certainty brought by them now that it’s safe. It’s probably an improvement, considering he never was any good at words with Peggy, but after all he’s supposed to learn from his mistakes, and he wants to try.

It’s been difficult though, because not only is Bucky uncomfortable with talking about what they mean to each other, despite how physically showing his affection, even sometimes in the public, is no trouble for him, but he also tends to withdraw when Steve gets at all specific. They’ve even had a few almost arguments about the topic, not full on fights because those would actually require speaking the words aloud, even if it was yelling. For now, Steve has been more careful of what he says, has contented himself with leaning on the physical side of their relationship. They are perhaps forever going to be different when it comes to how comfortable they are about talking of their relationship, but he believes they can find at least bit more open ground.

***

One of the reasons for choosing their current house was the fireplace in the living room. As the days gets colder they light a fire every afternoon and Bucky tends to curl up close to it, spending hours at time basking in front of it wrapped in blankets. Steve suspects the metal arm contributes to him feeling colder, and he is more than happy to act as an additional heater and plaster himself against Bucky’s back. They’ve got a plush rug and a few large cushions in front of the fireplace, making it very comfortable to recline there and read or watch television.

It’s not exactly a rare occurrence for them to get distracted from reading or whatever they are doing, shedding clothes and exploring each other instead, with hands and mouths, bringing each other to orgasm as they well know how to by now. They’ve become familiar with each other’s bodies, probably more so than they ever were, because before the war and especially during it they never dared to take too much time in fear of being discovered, and they were also closing their eyes from the truth, telling themselves it was just helping to get each other off. Hence there wasn’t much exploring happening at all. Now the only limitation is how long they can and want to continue.

The day has gotten dark while they’ve been at it, the glow of the fireplace is the only light in the room. Steve lies half on top of Bucky in their nest made of blankets all chosen for their softness and machine-washability. He’s warm and content even now that the afterglow is fading, he’s coming down from the high into the solid reality that still is completely wonderful. He is a bit hungry, he could eat a full meal if one were put in front of him, but it’s not a pressing need yet, and he can push it away because staying in Bucky’s arms is very much preferable right now.

Steve rubs his cheek against Bucky’s chest and says, “I love you so much.”

It only dawns on him what exactly he said when Bucky freezes under him, the hands that have been gently petting him now pressing into his skin. He thinks he should do something, say something, but his mind has blanked, and the only thing he’s sure of is that it must have been too much. He’s never said those words before; they barely talk about their feelings, and they definitely don’t talk about them while naked in each other’s embrace. The closest they’ve ever gotten was when Bucky asked him to leave New York, but that was about actions, choices rather than feelings.

It was probably inevitable that the words should just spring out of him, because while Steve has been careful of what he’s said, his mind has been active. He’s been turning his feelings around, affirming them, has consciously thought of how much he loves Bucky, so it’s no wonder the words came out while his guard was down. He doesn’t regret it exactly, even when he knows that Bucky might not be quite ready for them, or at least doesn’t think he’s ready. They’re out now, and it’s not that they’re something disagreeable despite the weight they bear, and all he can do now is to see what happens.

Steve is still on edge, barely having accepted that the bridge has been crossed when Bucky relaxes under him. It happens gradually, as if he’s forcing himself to do so, but the tension is melting away, his hands are pressing less into Steve’s skin and instead he shifts his arms, wrapping them a bit more securely around Steve. It’s a good sign, and Steve lets out the breath he hadn’t quite noticed holding back.

Bucky’s voice is just a bit shaky when he says, “I—,” pausing almost immediately, and then he suddenly relaxes completely, even his arms going lax as he starts laughing.

Steve props himself up, a bit confused, but not unhappy. Bucky’s laughing, so he knows they’re going to be okay, and it’s not even going to take days or weeks to get over this. “What?”

It takes Bucky a while to get his mirth under control, but finally he says, laughter still dancing in his eyes, “I was just about to do a Han Solo.”

Steve laughs too, partly due to relief that Bucky’s joking already. “Well, that means I’m Leia, so it’s not so bad, since she’s the only one with any sense out of them at all.”

“Yeah, thinking on it, maybe we should recast ourselves, actually.” Bucky grins at him, and brings the metal hand to gently cradle Steve’s head, tugging him back down to rest against his chest. “Come here, it’s easier like this, you know.”

Steve does know; Bucky wants to say something, and it’ll be easier without Steve’s eyes on him. He’ll be better able to concentrate on finding the words rather than analyzing Steve’s reaction. Steve goes willingly, and wriggles his hands under Bucky’s ribs, hugging him as tightly as he’s able. Bucky’s heart rate is just a bit elevated.

“I do know you love me, you show me every day,” Bucky starts. “And sometimes it’s still hard to believe, because I keep waiting to wake up, or for it to be taken away from me like every other good thing was for so long. I want to protect and hide it. But I’ve been thinking recently that I don’t want to live like that, because it’s not really me but what they made of me.”

Bucky draws in a shuddering breath, and Steve squeezes him a bit in encouragement, but doesn’t say anything, because he knows Bucky isn’t done yet.

“I want to stop hiding, and the first step is to do so with you. And I think you know,” Bucky smiles now, Steve can hear it, his voice steadying as he centers himself within his choice, “that I love you too.”

Steve has to look up then, and Bucky lets him without a protest. He’s grinning, and more than just happiness, there’s relief in it too, Bucky clearly knows this was the first crucial step successfully taken. There’s really only one response Steve has. “I know.” He pushes himself up to press his lips on Bucky’s, making it the most tender and heartfelt kiss he’s even given.

They kiss for a while, just lips moving together, no other purpose for it, until Steve’s stomach betrays him and lets out a loud gurgle which causes Bucky to fall into giggles. Steve pokes him on the side, but has to laugh too when Bucky’s stomach answers, just as loud.

“Okay, okay,” Bucky says, “maybe we should find something to eat.”

“There’s still some of that beef left, we can make sandwiches,” Steve says and struggles out of the blankets, offering Bucky a hand when he’s up. “Maybe after a shower, though.”

They do shower and eat, and after the meal they put a movie on and cuddle up at the corner of the couch. It’s not that different from any other evening, despite the both of them knowing things are changing for them again.

***

The first snow starts to fall when Steve is out running. It’s not that satisfying these days since they’re keeping a low profile, which means he mostly can only keep at a pace that he doesn’t really want to call running at all. There are a few quiet stretches of road he knows where he can get some actual running done if it’s a quiet time of the day. Even as is, it’s not completely useless, it still works as a time for himself to sort out his thoughts or dispel restlessness.

Today he started out after a video call with Peggy. He keeps a fairly regular contact with her, for all that it’s difficult a lot of the time. Her memory has gotten gradually worse over the last couple of years, the Alzheimer’s knowing no mercy, and with it has come the paranoia typical to the disease that’s only made worse by her former profession. Charlotte and Sharon spend a lot of time with her, since she trusts them even when she doesn’t remember who they are, something that’s understandably taking a toll on them.

The way the illness works keeps surprising Steve, because even when she thinks they’re in the past, she’s never confused by the video calls or other technology which doesn’t fit the time she’s gone back to inside her mind. Today she’d wrinkled her nose at his beard, and laughingly told him he looked like a mountain man. She’d seemed happy and he’d hoped it would be a good day, only it had turned out she was in the past again when she’d started talking about a training mission in Canada that Steve had once taken a part in, the only time before now that he’d grown a beard. Unfortunately, that had happened when they were still together, and their talks are always difficult when she thinks they’re still in love. Steve never really knows how to tread the ground then, because trying to remind her of the truth only confuses and distresses her, but going along with it feels like he’s betraying Gabe and Bucky. Bucky has explicitly told him he doesn’t mind, it’s the illness and she’s important to him, but it’s odd nevertheless, and draining for Steve.

They talked for about an hour, and after it Steve couldn’t sit still, so he headed out for a run. It has helped him, Peggy’s illness is of course still weighing on him but at least he’s calmer, it’s again something he knows how to handle, and that’s good enough for him to come back home.

While he was away Bucky apparently busied himself with cooking; there’s a pecan pie cooling on the table and pasta sauce simmering on the stove. Steve goes to greet him, presses his cold nose against Bucky’s neck, making him try to squirm away.

“It’s snowing.”

“I know.” Bucky is practically grumbling, his displeasure obvious, and Steve can’t help but laugh and hug him tighter. “Are you okay?” Bucky asks.

“Better again. Not like it goes away, the worry, but I’m dealing.”

Bucky presses against him for a second before shooing him off to shower.

***

Steve cleans the table, loads the dishwasher, and washes the pots and pans after the meal before going to living room where Bucky has the fire going and is curled up in front of it reading. Steve thinks of picking up his sketchbook, but is distracted when he sees Bucky’s reading a digital copy of the article Becca wrote after Steve came out during the AIDS crisis. It’s probably not a random choice, especially since they have recently been talking about everything needed for going back to New York, this time to stay.

Steve settles down next to Bucky and wraps an arm around his waist. “What’s up?”

“Remember that talk we had, the first night after we left DC?”

It’s an unexpected question, and Steve doesn’t see the connection to his coming out, but he goes with it. “I remember.”

“You said then that you’re not settling for second best. So does that means Peggy was that, because it doesn’t seem right.”

“No.” Steve hooks his chin over Bucky’s shoulder, and curls up closer. “You’re both people that I could have made my life with, been happy with, but I just happened to meet you first. You’d already claimed my heart when she came around, and there’s no undoing something like that.”

“And if you’d met her first, she would have had it. I get it.” Bucky nods, apparently satisfied with the answer. There’s no jealousy in his demeanor at all, but then again there’s no reason for it anymore. “We should go back, she’s getting worse and you should get to spend time with her while you still can.”

It surprises Steve, not that Bucky is suggesting going back, they’ve been working toward it, but the reasoning makes him feel uneasy. “Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to push yourself too much for something that’s not directly connected to you.”

“Well, it is connected to me, though. It’s affecting you, and so it’s affecting me. Also, I’d like to have a chance to make it right with her, properly.”

“She doesn’t think you ever did anything wrong by her, though,” Steve points out, and Bucky makes a face at him.

“Maybe not, but it all doesn’t sit right with me inside. And it’s not the only reason I have. I am ready now, it’s just an additional thing to spur me on and stop procrastinating.”

“If you’re sure, then we’ll do that.”

“It’s going to be a shitshow, there’s no avoiding that, but it’ll be done. No need to carry the uncertainty of what will happen.”

Steve knows Bucky is much less certain than he is that he isn’t going to be held responsible for what he did while a prisoner of the Red Room, but they have all the legal help they need, and Steve believes Bucky will get justice. It doesn’t mean the process won’t be unpleasant and difficult, but Steve will be there all the way, and the end result is what matters.

“I meant it too, when I said that I don’t want to hide. Not anything,” Bucky says and takes Steve’s hand in his.

Steve squeezes it before pulling Bucky up into a kiss. “Let’s figure out where to start then,” he says, but doesn’t move other than pressing even closer to Bucky.

Bucky puts away the tablet and turns so that he can rest his head on Steve’s chest. “Sure, but not now. We should take a nap first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now they're headed back home, and everything is definitely going to be easy and straightforward, right?


	5. 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in New York everything has steadied with Bucky officially alive again, but there are both new and long foreseen struggles still to overcome.

He manages the French toast pretty much perfectly that morning, and Steve is even happier about sneaking out of bed to attempt to get a breakfast tray ready before Bucky awakens enough to follow his curiosity to the kitchen. Steve knows Bucky most likely woke up at least for a moment immediately after he left, such a change is always enough to rouse both of them from sleep. At least he was drowsy enough to not make a grab at Steve, which has allowed him to try and make the morning just a little bit special. There’s no particular reason for it, just that he wants to, and maybe it’s the best reason of all, to do something nice just for itself.

It’s warm enough in their bedroom that Bucky has thrown covers completely off, and he’s stretched out on his stomach with all the long lines, dips, and curves of his body on display. There are the planes of smooth skin, the scars that are well on their way to disappearing, and the left arm glittering in the sun peeking in between the curtains. Steve has to remind himself he made a special breakfast and that it’s not going to be half as nice an hour later. Bucky’s face is turned toward him, and he opens one eye, mouth curving into a smirk, meaning he knows exactly what Steve is thinking, and that he most likely settled there on purpose. If he looked for something more than getting Steve momentarily flustered, he’ll have to wait, since Steve is actually ravenous.

Bucky mock-protests Steve’s attention being directed at the breakfast, but the way his stomach rumbles makes it less than effective, as does the enthusiasm with which he digs into the food. They’ll have to switch the sheets afterward, there will definitely be crumbs lying around since they’re more preoccupied with exchanging kisses during the meal than making sure they’re perfectly neat, but it’s all worth it.

They end up talking about Wakanda while they eat. The country has been isolated since before their birth, ever since traveling in Africa started getting even moderately easier, and knowledge of it is sparse. Mostly people think it’s mainly agrarian, and not that well developed, but Steve suspects there’s more than meets the eye. After all there is the vibranium that Howard Stark managed to purchase, only enough to make an alloy of it with iron to create Steve’s shield. Howard had mentioned that the Wakandans he spoke with seemed more knowledgeable than the general image of the country suggested, but he was never granted a visit, the war started soon after, and Wakanda was mostly forgotten about. There’s something to be said about the fact it’s the only African country that has never been colonized, a feat that Steve suspects would be impossible if all they did was live off the land in villages.

There was a recent upheaval in the country; the former king T’Chaka was killed and there reportedly was some unrest soon after the funeral, but now the former prince T’Challa is the king, and everything is reported to have stabilized. They’ve even expressed interest in starting to open their borders. King T’Challa is set to give a speech at the UN in a couple of weeks, and Steve is curious to see what it’ll lead to.

After the meal they clean up and do other regular chores before settling on the couch to read. Steve sits in the corner and Bucky leans into him, and he absentmindedly runs his hand through Bucky’s hair that’s grown a bit longer again. It’s no longer the neat cut from before the war they readopted for Bucky’s coming back to life, aiming to remind people of the war hero they know of and gain sympathy through that, but it’s still not quite as long as it used to be.

They’ve been living in New York for a year and a half now, and the process of officially bringing Bucky back to life and settling the case of whether he’d been responsible for his actions while he’d been a prisoner had taken a full year of that. Bucky has been cleared and he’s free, although there is some lingering distrust toward him from some corners. There are also occasionally politicians who try to gain points by speaking against him, but those attempts are rare and never taken seriously by most people. Afterward the media frenzy had taken another few months to die, but now they’re living in Steve’s apartment mostly without cares, settled in better already than they managed in Duluth, because Brooklyn is still home. Around their neighborhood Bucky has been embraced into the fold much like Steve was right after the war, and people have made it clear they should be allowed to live their lives just as everyone else. Their neighbors routinely made life just a little bit annoying for the paparazzi, and since they’re quite frankly living a boring life, no one is parked around their neighborhood anymore, the interest has completely waned.

Bucky has started coming to the VA along with Steve, even though they tend to go to different groups, and he’s been volunteering at soup kitchens and other programs aiming to help the homeless. Steve has also picked up his charity work again, and thankfully there haven’t been any crises that they would have been needed for. He hasn’t worked for SHIELD since he came back to New York. He does miss many of the people, but he’s still having a hard time with the discovery of the Hydra weapons and the Tesseract. There are too many shadows within the organization, and now that he’s more actively interested in making a life for himself, not as depressed and caring a bit less as he was for decades, he’s decided he just can’t be a part of it. Hence he put out the word that if his particular skills are needed for something major like the New York incident, he’s available, but otherwise not. 

In truth he doesn’t know what exactly the scope of SHIELD’s operations is. He knows enough to have come to the conclusion he’s not exactly comfortable with it, but he doesn’t know if there’s something that would need to be examined more carefully. There are too many aspects of surveillance and covert operations he’s suspicious of, and it feels like the organization is no longer the same it was with Peggy at the helm. He does believe that Nick Fury and the others high up in the hierarchy believe they’re working for a more secure world, but their methods aren’t necessarily something he’d agree with. He also knows it’s deceptively easy to take a wrong turn somewhere if the lines aren’t drawn clearly enough. He’s content enough knowing that the missions he took for SHIELD were primarily search and rescue, nothing that weighs on his consciousness, but he believes now it’s not enough to say he himself isn’t part of something immoral, if the organization employing him might be.

The world with its advancement in technology is more muddled and harder to decipher than it was when he was young, there are less black and white cases of right and wrong. He has a few ideas even on this front, things he’d like to speak about in public even though it’s not exactly the sort of area he’s most at home with, more politics than straight action, but he also has to evolve with time. He knows if he is to move toward that direction the first thing he needs are reliable people to work with, and he has some candidates already.

For now though, those plans are on hold, because he wants to have his and Bucky’s life on a more solid ground first. He thinks they’re now at a point where they can reinforce the foundation they’ve built, most significant external problems are dealt with and they’ve found a new routine to move between their work and meeting friends and family. Recently Bucky has started opening up more, he’s less paranoid, more likely to chat with their neighbors or people they meet out at the cafe. When he gets recognized, it seems his first instinct isn’t to run and hide anymore, just to keep doing his own thing.

Steve has been settling too, Brooklyn is starting to feel like a true home again, he’s started putting down roots and the sense of being unmoored that has followed him for decades is lessening. All in all everything is good for now, and he intends to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

***

As seems to be their luck, already that evening something happens that requires them to reconsider how to move forward. There are news of an attack at one of the SHIELD facilities by an enhanced human being, by itself worrisome enough, but the information revealed turns everything upside down. She has posted a video on YouTube in which she says SHIELD promised to heal her, but instead they made her work for them, made her kill people. She posits they never meant to fulfill their promise to help her.

Bucky watches only for a moment before withdrawing to the bedroom. Steve is torn, because he needs as much information as he can get so that he can decide how to act, because this is an instance where he must do something. At the same time, he wants to go to Bucky, wants to curl up with him in their bed and forget the world around them, but it’s impossible right now. The consequences of this day might threaten their peaceful life as well as lives of many others, and so his path is set.

Steve knows there are other enhanced beyond him, Bucky, and the rest of the Avengers. He’s heard of those living in New York, knows there must be others living elsewhere too. There have been more and more reports of people with abilities beyond those considered normal for humans, and there recently has been talk of what to do about it beyond just dealing with the individuals, how it should be handled on a systematic level. That in itself is a conversation that needs to be followed carefully, because when someone says something must be dealt on a systemic level it might mean an equivalent of public health care or detainment camps. It can go very right, or very wrong. Steve knows that as a very prominent enhanced being, one that is generally viewed in positive light, he needs to be a part of the discussion. He needs to use his voice for them, because fear mongering is happening already, and if it’s allowed to spread, who knows what might happen to all of them. He knows too that this attack, already labeled terrorism, is going to be some sort of a catalyst.

It all ties to the questions he’s been considering about SHIELD as well. As far as he ever knew, before Natasha came into the fold he was the only enhanced person working for them, no one ever hinted about others. Then again, there’s a lot about SHIELD he doesn’t know, maybe there have been more of them from the start, and now it’s definitely the time to ask questions. He just doesn’t quite know who he should direct them to. Nick Fury keeps cards close to his chest, Maria Hill is loyal to him, and beyond them the command structure becomes muddled. Steve is going to talk with Natasha, Clint, and Sharon, but he’s not sure they know much more than he does.

He wishes he could ask Peggy, because he understood from the video that there have been enhanced working for SHIELD in secret for decades. Maybe he even will ask, for all that he dreads facing the truth, if it turns out she’s knowingly held this from him. Trouble is, she hasn’t been doing well at all recently, she’s been more tired, her memory even more muddled than usual. She is fading faster and faster as weeks go by. There are still occasional bright flashes in her, and he must try, so he decides he’ll visit her the very next day since it’s late already.

He also receives a message from Nat.  _ Makes sense they’d keep all the enhanced isolated and unaware of each other, _ she writes.  _ Would make us more reliant on SHIELD and less likely to seek comparable experiences. _

Steve replies that he agrees, it does make sense, and had there not been the surprise issue with the Red Room coming after Natasha, SHIELD would probably have attempted to keep the two of them separate as well. She would have been kept on black ops, and her life would probably look very different now. There are many questions Steve needs to ask, about why none of the enhanced were brought forward during the Chitauri attack for example, and what kind of operations SHIELD has been using them for. He needs to know whether the organization is any different from the Red Room, when it comes to that. None of the questions can be answered today, and so Steve goes looking for Bucky.

He’s in their bedroom, sitting on the window sill, smoking through the open window. The cigarettes don’t do anything for him, any more that alcohol does these days, and usually Bucky doesn’t smoke. He only takes it up when his nerves are frayed, and so Steve isn’t at all surprised to see it now. Ever since the news Bucky must have been considering the implications and possible consequences, and the worry over what will happen is understandable. Steve knows Bucky’s not feeling quite secure yet in his life, and if the enhanced are considered more dangerous suddenly, it won’t be good for him either.

Steve goes to Bucky and wraps his arms around him, hugging tight. “We’ll be okay. It’ll all be sorted.”

“It’ll be sorted, but you can’t promise it’ll be okay,” Bucky says, obviously dejected.

“No, I probably can’t promise that, but I can promise I’ll do my best to make sure it will be.”

Bucky leans into him, and after a moment even huffs out in laughter. “Well, we had about a week when everything was okay, wouldn’t be us if that had lasted.”

Steve rests his forehead on top of Bucky’s head. He understands the urge to laugh, because it’s that or being all too close to crying out of exhaustion over how unfair things sometimes are.

They stay by the window, passing cigarettes back and forth for another hour before going to bed.

***

Steve wakes up to the phone ringing, and immediately feels dread when he sees it’s Charlotte calling.

“I’m sorry to wake you,” she says, “but they think there’s not much time left for mom.”

“We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Steve reassures her, and is climbing out of bed already when he hangs up.

Bucky blinks at him as he looks for clothes. “What’s going on?”

“It’s—,” Steve pauses, the reality of it crashing onto him only now. “Peggy,” he finally says, unable to elaborate. Bucky understands though, because it’s not exactly surprising news, and he’s up in a second to push Steve toward bathroom.

“Okay, take a shower, we’ll get going in a moment. I’ll drive.”

Steve goes mechanically through his morning ritual, and they’re soon on the way, stopping at a deli that opens early to get sandwiches and coffee to go, Bucky very sensibly pointing out it’ll be no use to be starving while they wait. It’s thankfully a shorter trip these days; three years ago when Peggy moved to a nursing home they chose one in New York, because those closest to her no longer lived in DC.

On the way there Steve sips at his coffee and stares out of the window. He’d always known this moment would be hard, but it’s still hitting him in unexpected ways, the pain of impending loss tearing through him. Ever since the war he’s had a decent support structure, starting with the Barnes family and the Commandos, growing as decades passed, but before Bucky returned to him Peggy was always the one that understood him best, the one that he felt the easiest confiding in. She’d seen the horrors of the war, she had been part of Project Rebirth and understood the change he’d gone through, and she’d been close enough without having a too intense personal connection that Steve had felt comfortable even talking of the loss of Bucky, as much as he ever had. She’s been his true companion through the decades, even though their lives didn’t run exactly parallel, and it’s difficult to comprehend that her path is coming to an end now, even after the recent years that should have given them ample time to prepare. Steve finds he isn’t at all.

They’re let in by the staff even though it’s not the visiting hours yet, and Steve is grateful they don’t have to argue about it. Charlotte and Anaya are already there, and Sharon arrives only a few minutes after Steve and Bucky. Peggy is asleep, looking smaller and more translucent than ever in her bed. Steve isn’t sure if it’s real or just him noticing it more now that he knows time is running out.

Peggy wakes up a few times during that day, but Steve thinks she’s never quite lucid. More of her friends and relatives come and go, but the five of them stay all day. Bucky and Anaya take turns getting them food and drinks, and Steve mechanically eats whenever something is given to him, but the food doesn’t taste like anything. It’s just fuel to keep him going. They talk sometimes, recounting their favorite memories of Peggy, but it’s mostly quiet, the hours pass and they wait.

It’s near sunset when Peggy opens her eyes again, brighter now, recognition in them once more. They cluster in, and she draws in a breath, as if to say something but she has no strength to speak. Instead she smiles at all of them, squeezes Steve’s hand that’s holding hers, and too soon she’s fading again, falling asleep, and they all know it’s different now, she’s retreating further and further away from them. Her breathing stutters, there are pauses and restarts, she’s gasping sometimes because her lungs are failing, and Steve is grateful she’s insensible and doesn’t have to know the horror of being unable to breath. Her pulse is irregular, as if there’s no strength left but she’s still unable to let go. Her hand is getting colder and colder in Steve’s. It’s hard to watch, hard to wait, even when they all know she’s not in pain. The medical staff stays nearby, waiting along with them, because they all know it’s only a matter of minutes, maybe hours at most.

In the end, another pause in her breathing is not that at all, she never resumes, and her heartbeat fades soon after. There’s a sudden stillness in her, different from when she was just sleeping without moving, the microscopic changes no longer there, Peggy no longer there. Her family reluctantly draws away to give space for the doctor and the nurses that gather around her to unhook the machines and move them away, before they cluster close one more time.

All five of them stand pressed together, supporting each other in the moment of grief. Steve is completely numb, and while he knows there will be tears, it’s not the time yet, not for a while. He hugs Charlotte tightly when they part, makes sure Sharon will get home, and climbs into their car. On the drive back he looks up and out of the window again. It’s night instead of morning, and there’s a new emptiness inside his heart.

The tears finally come when they’re back at home and in bed. They fall without his leave and won’t stop, so he curls into himself, allowing the grief to well over him. He’s comforted by Bucky wrapping around him, flesh and metal arms holding tight, anchoring him into now. It’s safe to let go, he’s supported, and he falls asleep trusting that it’ll be alright in time even though it’s difficult now.

***

Steve wakes up dehydrated and with an aching head, still wrapped in Bucky’s arms. Somehow he managed to sleep through the night, even though it doesn’t feel like it’s been restful. He turns on his back and Bucky lets go of him, apparently awake as well.

“How are you doing?” Bucky asks.

“Haven’t processed it yet, I think. But better since you’re here. And you?”

“I’ll be fine. I’m glad I got to talk to her over the last year again.”

Steve smiles and squeezes Bucky’s hand. It’s at least one weight that Bucky doesn’t have to carry; they’ve talked enough with Peggy ever since they moved back to New York that there are no questions or regrets left. It was relatively easy, since Peggy only knew Bucky during the wartime, which she usually remembered very well despite the illness wreaking its havoc. Those memories were far enough back in time that they were safer, accessible even during her last months. Steve doesn’t know all that they talked about, wasn’t always there, but he knows she too helped Bucky become more solid within himself.

They get up and make breakfast, neither of them at all inclined to go for a morning run. Steve doesn’t want to look at the news either, right now he can’t muster energy to deal with anything that’s not immediately pressing. He’ll have to rediscover his determination soon, but for now he just wants to spend the day with Bucky, call Charlotte later, and figure out the first steps needed to move forward.

They eat sitting shoulder to shoulder, Bucky’s presence a rock now that Steve is unsteady by the loss, and it strikes him then how bizarre his life is. He once thought he lost Bucky for good, and back then Peggy was the one who said the right things to him, comforted him when it seemed impossible that anyone should be able to do so, and now Bucky is here when she’s gone.

***

The funeral is in DC, and it is as much a family affair as it can be when Peggy’s had such a huge influence to SHIELD and has known so many important people. There are speeches given by her family members during the service, and the burial is conducted with quite a lot of ceremony. Steve feels odd standing there, his face newly shaved, her casket light on his shoulder but words heavy on his tongue when he steps up to speak about Peggy. The reception afterward is more relaxed, they try to honor what they know Peggy would have wanted, to remember the good things rather than the sorrow, to remember her life and what she has meant for them rather than the loss. It ends up being cathartic, to Steve and apparently many others as well. Peggy was and is an inseparable part of their lives, and knowing her has made them all richer.

The next day Steve feels at a loss again, drifting. Part of him wants to wallow a bit in the misery, only he can almost hear Peggy’s voice in his head, because he knows what she’d say, what she’d tell him. Life is already tugging him forward, there is the issue of enhanced people that he’s pushed to the back of his head for now, but that needs to be addressed. There are always more things that need to be done, and he thinks the best way to honor her memory is to live his life as well as he can.

There are also questions that will have to go unanswered. Steve had wanted to ask Peggy a bit more about SHIELD’s procedures, but he can’t now. It doesn’t mean everything is left in the dark, because Bernie calls him two days after the funeral, telling him Peggy had left something in her possession to be given to him after her death. He tells Bernie he’ll come and get it, wondering about the contents. He knows it must be something other than personal, because they’d made a point of always talking to each other of important personal matters during the last decade, ever since Bucky appeared and Steve had finally started to let go of the distance he’d felt toward everything.

At Bernie’s office he receives a letter, one that takes him back because he doesn’t receive any real letters anymore now that people just use email. This one is a simple white envelope, but of nice stationary, his name written on top in Peggy’s familiar cursive, and the seal is of course intact. Steve thanks Bernie and heads back home, wanting to read the letter somewhere in private.

Bucky’s not at home when he arrives, he’s probably gone to the grocery store because the reusable shopping bags are not hanging by the door, and Steve counts it a little bit fortunate that he can be alone when reading the letter. He lays it on the coffee table and sits on the couch, just staring at it for a moment, wondering what it could be. He shakes his head, deciding there’s no use delaying, that it’s stupid to wonder when he can just find out, and so he picks up the letter and slices it open with the combat knife Bucky keeps hidden in the couch. Inside the envelope are two sheets of the letter paper Peggy always used, written full, and just a hint of her perfume wafts out, having been preserved inside. Steve vehemently pushes away the threatening feelings, he suspects he’ll need a clear head to this.

The letter is dated in 2012, a week after he visited Peggy right before heading out with Bucky. Steve leans back and reads.

_ Dear Steve _

_ I suspect it might be cowardly to write about these things rather than telling you in person, but right now you have other things occupying your mind, and I want you to have this time with him. I want you to have time to settle and find what you want to live for, something I know you’ve been struggling with ever since the war. I hope you’ve managed that by the time you’re reading this. _

_ As the director of SHIELD I held a huge responsibility every time I needed to choose the right course of action, the right balance between protection and freedom. You always helped me with that, just by being yourself, just by talking with me about these issues, and I was always grateful to have you reminding me. Mind you, sometimes I chose a course of action that you probably wouldn’t have, although I don’t know if you’d have thought differently if you’d sat on my seat at the time, if you’d known everything I did. _

_ I don’t regret most of my choices, not even when it comes to the Tesseract. We did investigate whether it could be destroyed, and couldn’t find a way that was deemed safe enough to try, and even with the most outlandish ones there was no guarantee of a result. So we kept it, and it wasn’t used, not until after my time. Sometimes I wonder if we should have tried to hide it, but there was too much of a risk for someone other than us finding it. After all, it had been hidden before, and Schmidt still found it. But I digress, it sounds like I’m making excuses. I suspect we were doomed the moment it was brought to our world, hundreds of years ago if your friend Thor is correct. _

_ There are other things like the Tesseract, instances when it seemed there were no good choices, and the ones made may yet bring trouble for the world. I worry about the enhanced that are working for and taken care of by SHIELD. There were a few besides you that appeared during my time as the director, and their number has increased since then. They’re hidden, kept safe, but I’m not so sure anymore if that’s the right course of action in our changing world. _

_ There’s also the structure of SHIELD that I worry about. As the world around us got more complicated, so did the agency, and now it’s so large, so labyrinthine, that there’s no way for one person to keep an eye on everything. It’s of course controlled by hiring people one can rely on, but it only takes one person at a wrong place, good intentions but wrong methods to cause damage. Maybe just putting too much weight on the national security and not enough on individuals. It is a balancing act that was often hard for me, and must only have gotten more tricky in the world we have now. _

_ I’ve been in regular contact with Nick Fury over the years, trying to act as a reminder much as you did for me, but my time is running out. Hence, when I’m gone, I ask you to keep doing what you did for me, to keep your eyes open and speak when you believe lines are being crossed. And if you choose to step away, for a time or for good, as I hope you can eventually, find someone, or more than one, to continue in your place. _

_ I have faith in you, and I want to remind you of a way I believe one can go forward even in a murky world. Compromise where you can, and where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, you move'. _

_ With love, always, _

_ Peggy _

When he’s read the letter Steve allows it to drop on the table, his focus already turning to the task she’s given him. He leans even further back on the couch, staring at the ceiling and considering. There were some answers in the letter, not all that he craved but enough to tell him he’s on the right track, that there’s an ever growing need for vigilance, and that just because something was founded on good principles, it doesn’t guarantee it can’t be warped. It’s time for him to move from thought to action, and the starting point is clear.

Steve stays on the couch and doesn’t move even when he hears the door opening as Bucky returns from the store. Steve listens to him moving about, going to kitchen and putting away the groceries before his steps come toward living room. Focusing on the sounds pulls Steve back from his thoughts, reality sharpening once more. At the doorway Bucky pauses, probably taking in his unusual demeanor. Finally he comes and sits down next to Steve.

“What’s going on?”

Steve gestures at the letter but doesn’t move otherwise while Bucky reads it. He knows Bucky too will draw the same conclusions he did, and he wonders if he’ll resent it, resent that Steve is again pulled more firmly toward the world outside of their personal circle. He will again belong to more than just Bucky, an unavoidable consequence of the choice he made when he met Dr Erskine. When Bucky’s done, he puts the pages away and presses right into Steve, worming one arm behind his back and grasping his hands together, pulling him into a tight hug. Steve allows it and hugs him back in return, and for a moment they just lean into each other.

“I guess it’s time for you to take her advice,” Bucky finally says. It’s an acknowledgment and acceptance, but also an encouragement.

Steve is grateful for it all, relieved to go forward with Bucky’s blessing. “I know it is.”

***

The UN is set to discuss the issue of enhanced people in a few weeks, and it turns out not to be difficult at all for Steve to get a speaking slot at the summit. When his appearance is set, he starts drafting the speech, contacting all the enhanced he knows, as well as making new acquaintances. Daredevil turns out to be fairly easy to find, Steve just makes himself available on a rooftop in Hell’s Kitchen and the devil comes out to talk. He actually gives a lot of good legal advice, enough that Steve pegs him as a lawyer by day, and asks if he knows Bernie. He says he does, and has much respect for her skill, which Steve counts as a plus for him. Jessica Jones has her own business, so it’s only a matter of setting up an appointment, and Sam, knowing Harlem well, helps him with arranging a meeting with Luke Cage. Steve even manages to catch up with Spider-man, who turns out to be younger than he expected. Natasha also does some digging and finds him many of the enhanced employed by SHIELD. They’re understandably more divided about their loyalties, more wary and sometimes angry, but many of them do warm up to him when he doesn’t push, just offers an ear to listen.

He knows that since his life as Captain America has been very public from the beginning, he’s someone people know and many are willing to listen, but what he’ll say can’t just come from himself. He doesn’t know all the problems their very diverse group is facing, he’s conscious of having lived in very privileged circumstance since the war, and so he listens to everyone and writes his speech to be concise but broad enough to encompass the multitude of experience, to cut right into the core of the problem at hand. He knows that to be the first voice of the group he needs to bring out the issues that affect them all, and he needs to facilitate things so that others will be able to have their say later, to add their own specifics, to enrich the tapestry portraying the lives of the enhanced.

In the meanwhile, Fury testifies to the Congress, and he gets through it mostly unscathed. He affirms there are enhanced employed at SHIELD, saying they were taken in when many organizations wouldn’t have done so, making it sound very benevolent. There’s no mention of the price they had to pay for the security, having to live their lives in secret and as a part of the organization even if it wasn’t their choice of life. Steve has heard many stories of it recently, and they’re usually much like Natasha’s experience; they were helped and rehabilitated, but during the process they were enfolded within SHIELD so tightly that it seemed the only option was to work for them, and the consequences have proved volatile.

Fury is asked the question Steve himself has been curious of; why weren’t the enhanced brought in to help with the Battle of New York? It makes sense when Fury points out that at first the problem was just Loki, and so he summoned a group he judged to be efficient at dealing with it. Later, when the portal opened, the enhanced were in process to be brought in to help, at least those whose powers were of the sort that they’d be useful, but the actual battle lasted such a short time that they didn’t make it to the city. Steve believes Fury here, he does trust the man really wants to keep making the world safer and wouldn’t deliberately hide a fighting force at such a dire situation. He also believes Fury is willing to cross lines Steve thinks probably shouldn’t be to reach his goals.

During the broadcast Steve makes a note that the questions asked are all about the safety of regular people against the dangers of the enhanced, which doesn’t really surprise him, but makes it all the more obvious how important it is to present the other point of view to the public as soon as possible. He sees the direction the discussion has taken, he knows there are already people demanding all of the enhanced to be round up and made sure they’re not a danger, by any means necessary. Happily, there are people speaking against such things as well, making all the correct comparisons and reminders to prison camps, and it reassures Steve that what he needs to say isn’t going to fall on entirely barren ground.

Steve is busy with the preparations, but he still notices Bucky starting to withdraw more and more. He’s reluctant to go out, especially since the story of him and his past has received a revival at the media circuit. Steve doesn’t quite know what to do about it; he understands the fear lurking at the back of Bucky’s mind, and he wants to alleviate it, but isn’t sure how to. Maybe the best course here too is to do what he intends, and do it as well as he can. If he manages to sway the opinions even a little bit to their favor it will help Bucky as well.

Over the days leading to the summit he finds himself thinking of his mother more often than he usually tends to. It’s not an accident that he never could see injustice without wanting to do something about it, he got the deep need to right the wrongs of the world from her. She’d become a nurse because she wanted to help people, and she had done so without question, without discrimination. She’d marched for the right to vote as well as for other causes. Steve himself has seen and participated in marches and battles for equality, because he believes people deserve it regardless of their gender, regardless of the color of their skin, regardless of where they come from, regardless of who they love, regardless of their abilities, regardless of whether they fit in the mold that’s seen as normal. It’s yet another battle of that sort they’re facing now, and he hopes this time they can stop the separation before it happens, before people suffer from it.

***

The night before the speech they’re on the roof of their building. It’s late enough that they have the whole space for themselves, and lying on a blanket, staring up to the sky is reminiscent of many other summer nights spent on the roof, even though the building they live in now is much nicer than any they lived in before the war. Usually the reason for going up was that their apartment was unbearably hot, and they ended up sleeping up on the roof for weeks sometimes. There was one memorable occasion of getting drenched by a sudden thunderstorm, but even that was funny after the fact, and Steve hadn’t even gotten sick.

Now Steve is lying sprawled on his back, and Bucky has hooked a pinky around his, but otherwise they’re not touching, even this late it’s hot enough that skin sticking together is uncomfortable. He’s glad to notice, though, that Bucky seems to be a lot more relaxed than he has generally been of late, and while Steve knows the stress he’s currently under will lessen only after a resolution to the general state of things is reached, moments of ease are still valuable. He’d love for them to get a whole night like this, but their peace is disturbed all too soon.

It looks like a shooting star at first, just a streak of light in the sky, but it doesn’t burn up like he expects, and as the object keeps falling Bucky tenses next to him. The thought that it must be a meteorite, too big to burn up in the atmosphere, flashes through Steve’s mind, and he’s already calculating trajectories, considering the impact zone and where people might need help. Only the impossible happens; it decelerates, the trajectory of the path changes, curves like a corkscrew and comes right toward them. They’re both on their feet now, getting ready for whatever it might be, but it’s still a shock when a blond woman in a suit of red, blue, and gold, eight pointed star on her chest, touches lightly down on the roof. She’s grinning, completely unafraid either of being seen or the two of them in their fighting stance.

“I like flying up to the edge of the atmosphere and letting myself fall down. The kick from the friction burn is quite something,” she says, and next to Steve Bucky groans, but also relaxes, obviously deciding they’re not in danger. Steve follows his lead, trusting his instincts.

“Clearly she’s as nuts as you are,” Bucky says without bothering to lower his voice.

She introduces herself as Carol Danvers, and it turns out that while she’s not quite their contemporary, she’s older than she looks. She’s been a part of SHIELD since the nineties, hiding because Nick Fury convinced her it would be the best thing to do. Steve isn’t very impressed hearing she’d been told she shouldn’t contact him, the reason given that he wouldn’t take to her well at all.

“Seemed a bit suspicious to me considering you were such a vocal advocate for a lot of disadvantaged groups, but then again I’ve got alien DNA, so who knows where people’s limits lie,” she says.

Apparently she’d been in space when the portal opened in New York, scouting for dangers in the nearby area due to Thor’s appearance the year before, and hence unable to come and help at the time. She doesn’t want to hide anymore, she wants to put her voice forward too, even though she confesses she’s much better at punching things than talking. 

Steve ignores Bucky muttering, “Definitely just like you.” They’re both glad to have yet another enhanced person willing to come forward. 

They chat for a while longer and exchange phone numbers before she takes off, jumping up and speeding right into the sky.

“This was definitely one of the weirder nights of my life and that’s saying something,” Bucky decides, and Steve can only agree.

***

On the day of the speech Steve dresses in a blue suit that’s cut to accentuate the width of his shoulders, carefully shaves the stubble grown recently, and makes sure his short hair is perfectly neat. He knows the image he portrays matters, and he wants them to remember he’s Captain America without having to bring the shield. Calling that association to people’s minds will give his voice more weight than just speaking as Steve Rogers would, and he’s going to use every advantage he can lean on.

He finds a center in himself, knowing he’s as prepared as can be. In fact, he’s a lot more prepared than he has often been in just as critical situations, and it gives him confidence even though this is new for him, the field of the engagement is a stage and his weapons the words rather than fists. In a funny way it’s a callback too, after all his career as Captain America began on stage making speeches. Now he moves to a level of politics he has observed from sidelines so far, but he has learned from Peggy and countless others. Before this he’s been one of a supporting crowd, he has let others more willing and eloquent give the speeches, but now there aren’t any enhanced as accepted by community as he is, and so he must do what he can. He knows he can’t swing things at one go, giving one speech can’t change everything, but it can be a seed that will take root, one that’ll grow with nurturing.

There are familiar faces in front of him as he steps up to the podium at the UN building, no open hostility, but not much friendliness either. There are expressions of curiosity, and he considers them to be enough, something he can work with. He’s not going to speak for long, he’s aiming for simple but effective, and he reminds himself again it’s just a start and that he should stick to the plan. More can be said later, depending on the direction the overall discussion takes.

“Before I received the serum, there were a lot of people unwilling to consider me a person entitled to the same rights as everyone else. Back then, that was what happened to those with disabilities. During history, there have been and still are those who don’t consider one group or another really to be people just because they’re different in some aspect. The catalyst could be one’s gender, color of skin, physical or mental abilities, religion, heritage. Countless other reasons. And now there is the word enhanced, making a group out of an otherwise diverse set of individuals, and questioning whether we are people.

“I understand it’s not comfortable to face that thought, but that’s what we as a society are talking about even when that question is never directly posed. With every concern that is raised, in the background is still the suggestion that the enhanced should not be considered equals, and we must not turn away from that reality, however uncomfortable it is. Here and now, this is one of the forums where we must remember that yes, despite our differences, we are all still people.”

Steve has their attention now, no one is looking at their phones or whispering to their neighbors. He continues, “There has been talk of the necessity of creating international agreements, laws, and regulations that take into account the enhanced, and I agree. Our legislation must reflect the diversity of people, and as these laws and agreements will now be created for the first time, everyone who has a hand in the process has a great responsibility to write them so that they are fair to everyone. Everyone has a responsibility to not let fear cloud their judgment.

“Fear is already being circulated, among the people and in the media, and if it’s allowed to lead the discourse, it may cause untold damage. There are demands for us to be round up just in case, when the history is full of examples of such actions as well as their consequences, always considered to be wrong in retrospect. There are cries for preemptive punishment, when that is universally agreed to be unjust. All of these things are said because of fear, and I’m asking you now to let go of that, to be fair and just, to represent all the people, including those we now call enhanced.

“I’m asking that when the agreements are drafted, they’re very thoroughly considered, that equity is taken into account, and that those whose lives they will affect will have a say in the drafting of the agreements and laws. I’m asking for you all to remember, that the right is not given to any of us to say who is a person and who is not. We are all people, and we all deserve to be treated justly.”

The room is silent when he steps off the platform, but it feels thoughtful rather than hostile, and on the way out he meets the eyes of some of the representatives who nod at him in acknowledgment. The Wakandan king has a faint smile on his lips, and Steve hopes they’re all at least thinking of what he’s said.

He doesn’t stay, he wants to go home for now, relax for the evening, and then wake up tomorrow and decide what else needs to be done. There’s the press though, his speech has been broadcast live, and he knows he needs to say at least something to them, even when he’s sure at least some of the questions are going to be unpleasant.

The reporters descend on him as one when he appears, and he’s immediately asked of fear, challenged that maybe there are valid reasons to be afraid after all. “None of you seem to be afraid of me,” he says fairly mildly, and actually it seems to stump them a bit, one of them stuttering it’s not the same, because he’s himself and the others are others.

“No, that’s not the way it is, you can’t include me in the group you like and arbitrarily decide who belongs in the group you don’t. It’s what I meant back there, we’re all people, and should be treated according to our actions, not what we were born or made to be. None of us should have to prove our right to live in peace.”

“But there are enhanced that have committed crimes,” one of the reporters points out.

“Yes,” Steve agrees, “and they should answer for them the same as anyone else has to answer for the crimes they commit. Individually. What a person does is not the responsibility of any group they belong to.” When the reporter looks like he wants to argue, Steve asks, “Do you drive a car? Any of you?”

Many of them nod, albeit confused again, but willing to see where he’s going with it at least.

“Well, every once in a while we hear someone having driven a car into a crowd of pedestrians. Now, does that mean that everyone who chooses to drive should be imprisoned when that happens? Should all driving be prohibited? Of course not. Most people aren’t going to do such a thing, because they’re decent human beings. It’s the same with the enhanced. You wouldn’t consider it just to detain every driver when a crime is committed by a car, and you must apply the same principle here.”

Steve had known they’d very likely bring up Bucky, but it still makes his blood boil when they do, suggesting his freedom should be reconsidered. Steve draws in a breath, knowing it’s imperative he stays calm. “His case was examined by the military court, and he was deemed not responsible for his action during his captivity. Those who brainwashed him are responsible, and I might add that as far as we know, none of them were enhanced in any way.”

He walks away then, not sure at all how he’s done, but aware he’s reaching his limit.

Back at home Bucky wraps him into a hug, and says, “People on twitter seem to think you’ve made a good point.”

It’s all they discuss the matter that day.

***

After his speech at the UN Steve makes a few more public appearances, has some consultations and discussions with all kinds of representatives, but mostly it’s just waiting. Other enhanced have stepped up, have brought their own viewpoints as well as their expertise, and it’s heartening to see the voices being added up. He keeps following the news and other public discussion, and he is encouraged by it, because the tone has shifted. Individually, all the opinions that there were before can still be found, but taken all together, it’s definitely looking like the discourse is more thoughtful, more open, more accepting. As the stories of the enhanced are told either anonymously or publicly, more and more people seem to be waking up to really consider the matter. It feels like there is a good momentum to it all, and he knows it affects the discussions at the UN and the governments of the world.

He’s hopeful, more than he was before giving his speech, but there are no certainties yet, the public discussion has been swayed, but it can happen again. There is more open acceptance but they’re not safe yet, a fact that does stay at the back of his mind at all times. It lingers in all of their minds.

Steve is still worried about Bucky. He’s almost completely stopped going outside of their house and yard, and it’s something like hiding but not quite, it doesn’t feel the right word for it. Steve would say he’s retreating even when he’s still physically present, and he has been since the discussions about the enhanced started. It’s not just that he’s retreating from the larger spheres of his life by staying inside the house, he’s retreating into himself in all different manners, distancing himself even from Steve. They still live together, make meals and spend time with each other, sleep in the same bed, but it’s not as close and comfortable as they learned to be during their stay in Duluth. It reminds Steve of the week in Montana, when they were together but there was a barrier between them, Bucky protecting himself still. He’s probably doing the same thing now, even though Steve can’t quite grasp what against.

Steve was busy preparing for the speech and after that for a while more with the public appearances to keep the momentum going. While he was aware of Bucky distancing himself, he probably wasn’t paying as much attention as he should have, because it has gotten worse than he expected, enough that he doesn’t quite know how to handle it. In the early days after they reconnected he was always cautious, he gave Bucky the space he needed, but then Peggy reminded him it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Of course it’s not exactly the same now, since they already have been open with each other like they never managed before, but he thinks the advice is still solid. They’ve been close and comfortable, and it doesn’t sit right with Steve to just allow Bucky to withdraw.

He runs it by Natasha and Sam while he’s having a dinner with them at Sam’s apartment. Officially it’s still only Sam’s, but by now it has quite a lot of Natasha’s things in there, including furniture, enough that Steve considers it theirs inside his head, but he never mentions it since he knows Nat is still skittish about the idea. He came alone this time, Bucky having decided against coming at the last moment, although it hadn’t surprised Steve when he said he was staying home. During the meal he explains about Bucky withdrawing, and both his friends encourage him to try to reconnect, to make a gentle attempt and see how Bucky takes it, and of course they tell him they should talk about it all. It’s much as Steve had decided was the best plan of action, but he’s happy to get an affirmation from his two friends who he considers best informed when it comes to human behavior.

He enjoys the dinner despite his worry over Bucky and the general state of things. They don’t talk of politics that night, having agreed to take a break and just enjoy personal things, and Steve is more relaxed when he comes home, determined to start trying to make things alright again.

He finds Bucky on the couch, bundled inside a blanket, which is definitely a sign that he’s not feeling stable within himself, because he tends to get cold at those times. Steve changes into a more comfortable outfit, makes them mugs of hot chocolate and tugs Bucky into his embrace when he’s settled on the couch. Bucky hesitates at his touch, clearly considers before allowing himself to be pulled to Steve. It takes long enough that Steve nearly gives up, is about to apologize with his heart in his throat, but when he finally comes Bucky burrows as close as he can get, holding Steve tight.

After they’ve hugged for a while, Bucky says, “I keep expecting to lose all this.” He gestures around them, indicating the house and Steve, but Steve knows it means their whole life.

Steve understands then what has been troubling Bucky. He knows that for decades everything good was taken from him, and it’s hard to get rid of such thought patterns. Now that there’s been talk of what to do with the enhanced, the worst suggestions being all of them getting gathered up or even killed, it can’t but register as the likeliest course to Bucky’s subconsciousness, even though his rational brain might say otherwise. And because of it, he’s been withdrawing, preparing for the loss.

There’s nothing Steve can say to convince Bucky’s subconsciousness otherwise, he’s seen everything Steve has, he knows all the arguments and probabilities, and Steve doesn’t even try to reason with him, it would just irritate the both of them. Instead he resolves to be there, to try and pull Bucky away from his shell, to physically remind him that there are good things in his life and that they belong to him. He’ll remind Bucky that he’s allowed to have it all.

That night Steve doesn’t just stay on his side of the bed as he recently has while Bucky has slept facing the other way. He pulls Bucky to him, and this time there’s no hesitation at all, it feels like relief when he presses into Steve. They quickly get rid of the boxer shorts and T-shirts they wore to bed, seeking skin contact almost hungrily, because it’s been weeks since the previous time. They don’t have energy for anything complicated, but it’s sweet and familiar to press into each other as they used to do, kissing and breathing the same air, rutting against each other, sweat slicking their bodies, grasping and holding on tight when they come trembling and panting, whispering nonsense words of affection into each other’s skin.

***

“Let’s go out for a breakfast,” Steve suggests the next morning.

He would love to stay in bed with Bucky all day now that they got over the barrier between the two of them, but he knows that it’ll be easier to get Bucky out in the open when he’s generally relaxed and hasn’t had time to start fretting again. He knows Bucky might decline, and he’s prepared to try and push a little, but after a minute hesitation Bucky agrees, and they take a quick shower and are out on the street soon.

It’s early still, not many people out yet, which was one of the reasons Steve suggested going out for a breakfast. Bucky is still tense, and after a moment of consideration Steve reaches to take his hand, deciding it probably won’t cause Bucky more agitation. They’ve been comfortable with some PDA recently, and right now their relationship being public isn’t what’s causing Bucky trouble, so the closeness should help as it usually does.

He’s right about it, Bucky squeezes his hand in return, and his shoulders come down a bit. He starts looking around himself in a way that’s not about looking for threats anymore, clearly enjoying the walk. Steve can’t help but smile, because everything is just a little bit better again.

A couple of blocks from home they meet their neighbor Carla, who’s returning from a run. She’s training for a marathon, and is up quite often as early as Steve is for his runs. He has sometimes even run a bit with her for company. She greets them as friendly as ever, shouting over her shoulder it’s nice to see Bucky up and about, and Steve notes Bucky relaxes even more.

They go to the coffee shop they frequent, it’s nice and cozy, and they make good sandwiches first thing in the morning. The barista greets them same as ever, and when they’re seated in their usual table Bucky seems to be completely at ease. Steve knows it’ll take Bucky some time to get back to his usual rhythm again, but this is a good start, because now Bucky knows that the people they know won’t treat him any different from before.

They talk about Becca’s latest blog post, she’s retired but her wit is sharp as ever, and she’s found she still has things to say about the state of the world and current issues. She enjoys being a blogger, and has a steadily growing crowd of followers. Several publications have suggested she could write for their websites, but she’s declined all offers. She says she’s doing fine on her savings and pension, and very much enjoys not having anyone policing her content.

It’s a good morning, they linger for a couple of hours over coffee, walk around the park on the way home, and hold hands all the way.

***

Everything comes together bit by bit. A UN agreement is drafted, several of the known enhanced are invited into the discussion, and it’s edited and rewritten until it’s very fair. There’s of course need for legislation in the countries themselves, but it’s a good step, since legislation will follow the agreement after it is ratified by the countries.

One of the decisions made is to revive the Avengers and build around them resources that allow the enhanced to come to grips with their powers and receive necessary training in safe environment if they need it. It’s also a haven for those who are not accepted in their communities. Those who want it are integrated into the fighting units, meant for defense against dangers that can’t be handled by police or regular armies. Those who don’t want to fight won’t have to, and the enhanced that worked for SHIELD are brought in as well, they too allowed to choose how they want to go forward. They find peaceful ways of using their powers too, ways to work and help, with the aim of finding all of them satisfying ways of life.

The Avengers, same as from the beginning, contain more than just enhanced. There are those like Sam and Clint who are regular people that use technology, but who fit in naturally. They find a suitable configuration and support structures very soon, and they start technical exchange with Wakanda who have now come forward with their more advanced technology. King T’Challa was one of the biggest advocates for the enhanced to be treated fairly, and Steve knows the process at the UN went much easier than it might have because of him.

Steve is leading the Avengers now, he’s gathered people around him for an efficient team to manage things, and it’s the kind of work that feels right and purposeful to him. Tony is their head of technology, Rhodey has come over from the Air Force to liaise with the authorities, Natasha oversees contacts to the intelligence operations, and Carol is the head of their defense against extraterrestrial threats. Bucky helps with the teaching and training but doesn’t take part in field operations. Steve knows he’ll be right there with all of them if something major happens, but for now he’s more than happy to see Bucky taking a break from fighting. He himself has promised to do his utmost to stay safe when he’s on the field, and he’s been keeping his promise. There’s a lot for them to do yet, but the future looks radiant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!


	6. 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 2018 life is good, and there's even an additional piece of happiness for Bucky and Steve.

Steve wakes up to the sun shining into his eyes, because apparently they forgot to properly close the curtains when they came in at the early hours of the morning. He’s almost too warm with Bucky plastered right along his back, palm pressed against the middle of his chest. They used to sleep like this, decades ago in Brooklyn when Steve was often too cold and his heart so unreliable that Bucky’s subconsciousness wanted to be on guard, wanted to make sure it wouldn’t stutter without him knowing. The cold or an unreliable heart are no longer problems for Steve, but he still likes to sleep like this, safe in Bucky’s arms, warm breaths puffing against his neck.

He is thirsty, though, more than usual, because it’s easy to get dehydrated at parties even when he doesn’t have to worry about any other consequences. No aching feet or hangovers for him. The only obvious consequence of having been up most of the night celebrating Tony and Pepper’s wedding is that it’s much later than their usual waking hour.

He shifts, becoming conscious of the itchiness of his skin. After falling to bed they’d given each other hand jobs that somehow had been both lazy and frantic, and hadn’t bothered to clean up very thoroughly afterward. He could definitely do with a shower, only it would be a shame to move away while Bucky’s not yet awake, because it would definitely wake him and there are still no guarantees of a full night’s sleep for him. Steve doesn’t have to wait for long, though, because Bucky wakes up soon after him. He knows it form a slight change in his breathing, a pause during which he reorients himself before relaxing again, hugging Steve tightly to his chest for a second.

“Shower?” Steve suggests as Bucky rubs his nose against his shoulder.

“Yeah, I was just thinking it would be a good idea.”

They cook a sizable brunch while drinking their first mugs of coffee and talking about the previous night. They’d had fun and even managed to get just a bit tipsy from whatever Thor had in his flask. He’d refused to give it to anyone that didn’t have an accelerated metabolism, apparently even a tiny bit would have been risky, but for Steve and Bucky it had given a nice buzz, a feeling Steve never had become too familiar with, since before the serum he’d been a complete lightweight and even small amounts of alcohol led to him being actually drunk, something he hadn’t enjoyed at all.

The wedding had been beautiful, and it’s a good thing the couple have a private plane at their disposal, because everyone had so much fun at the reception that the newlyweds had delayed their departure for the honeymoon by several hours. Steve and Bucky had walked home despite the offer of a driver, the night having been beautiful and warm. Now they linger over the meal, not in a hurry anywhere, and it’s a perfect morning after a perfect night.

Their lives have stabilized again, and this time Steve thinks it might even be more lasting than ever before. He hasn’t voiced the thought, because he knows Bucky is still more cautious than him, less willing to hope for permanence. It means he doesn’t want to talk of their happiness too much, because with the paranoia he’s still unlearning it registers as inviting trouble. Steve is happy though, and he knows Bucky is too, even if he still takes life more on a day by day basis. At least it’s been more than a year since the last time he was feeling compelled to withdraw from Steve, he’s managed to banish the fear of immediate loss, and it’s more than good enough. It affords him, and by extension Steve as well, peace of mind which is something they haven’t had a chance to experience too often in their lives.

Even when they don’t talk about it, Steve still thinks of their happiness by himself, content now that the Avengers are well established into several groups based all over the world, able to help and support the enhanced everywhere, as well as respond to dangers under their jurisdiction. Part of his happiness is knowing their friends and family are doing just as well as they are. They regularly visit with Becca, who’s energetic as ever, still writing her blog and tending to her cats, not to mention able to shake Bucky out of his more melancholy moods more effectively than even Steve can, probably because she dares to be more ruthless with him. Charlotte and Anaya continue being happy, their marriage one Steve believes will last. The four of them attended the previous Pride parade as a group, the first time marching for Bucky even though their relationship has been public for a few years already.

Their closest friends among the Avengers are Natasha and Sam, and they see each other not only at work but during their time off as well. Bucky and Nat have dealt with the awkwardness stemming from how their past paths have converged and diverged, and are finally comfortable around each other. Sam and Bucky usually pretend they don’t like each other, only to forget it when discussion turns to something that fascinates both of them. Steve and Nat think it’s fairly hilarious how Bucky and Sam have so many common interests, it makes their pretend animosity all the funnier. Steve is grateful every day that these two who came into his life during the time Bucky reemerged have found a way to fit with Bucky as well, making the four of them a cohesive little unit, in life but also if there’s need to take action.

It took him a while to realize, but Steve is finally at home. Since the war it felt like he drifted for decades, couldn’t find his way back even though he’d returned physically. Something had been missing, maybe just the will to try, but he now has it again and with some effort he has found a home, a concept that’s now larger than just a place. It’s the people around him, the contentment he has in his life. Every little piece that’s an aspect of his happiness is another piece of his home. He’s found where he belongs, the days and years no longer move past him but carry him along with them, and he knows he can face whatever challenges future throws at him.

For today there are no challenges, just him and Bucky enjoying the day in their cozy kitchen, a sketch of Tony and Pepper from the day before coming to life under his pen as he listens to Bucky singing while he makes them lunch.

***

They leave for Wakanda the next day. It’s kind of a work vacation, Wakandan science and defense departments have for a couple of years now worked in close collaboration with the Avengers, so it makes sense for them to get to know the country. Wakanda is no longer as isolated as it used to be, there’s open trading and common programs focusing on science and charity, but traveling there is still fairly restricted. They’re well aware that if they suddenly opened their borders completely, there’d be an influx of tourists and no infrastructure to accommodate them. Since they want to protect their environment and way of life, the restrictions can’t be let go all at once.

There are exceptions of course, there are diplomatic relations and business, and a delegation of the Avengers is just another part of the opening. Today there’s also a school group that won a competition traveling on the same plane. Apparently it’s a regular thing, Wakanda has hosted student groups from several countries already, allowing them to get to know the country and their technology more comprehensively than one can at the Wakandan Science Outreach Centers.

They will travel by a Wakandan plane from JFK, and apparently no one thought to tell the students they’d share with the Avengers, because they’re all struck silent when Steve, Bucky, Nat, Sam, and Rhodey come aboard. They recover soon enough, and during introductions Steve realizes the boy named Peter is actually Spider-man, and that he knows Steve recognizes him even though he wore a mask the previous time they met. Steve makes a note to talk to him in private as soon as he can to reassure him that if he wants to keep his identity secret he can, Steve isn’t going to do anything about it, but if he ever needs anything, the Avengers’ resources are available.

Most of the flight is fairly quiet, it’s not a full vacation after all; the students have their assignments, and the Avengers are all taking the opportunity to do some paperwork. The plane is fast, it only takes a few hours for them to get to Wakandan airspace where they start slowing down and descending.

They’re all looking out of the windows as they’re taken via a scenic route across the country that seems to have all kinds of environments from wide grass plains to lush forests, from deep river valleys to snowy mountains. There are a few villages and fields, but most of the country seems to be at its natural state, and they see a lot more animals than people during the flight. They know from beforehand that all Wakandan cities are covered with a force field, it protects them, but also acts as a disguise, helping them to mask their technological advancement. They also work as a climate control to a degree, allowing them to avoid extreme weather in densely populated areas. These days the force fields are still in place and holding up the visual masks, since old habits die hard, and hence there isn’t a reliable location for any of Wakandan cities that outsiders know of.

For all that they know about the force field, the experience is still a bit alarming when it looks like they’re about to fly into the trees, only to pass through a shimmer and get a first look of the capital. Steve has seen photos taken by previous visitors and some official images, as well as something during the video calls he’s had with T’Challa, but the whole view is something else. The city is nothing like any other he’s been to, it looks more organic, the buildings whimsical and practical all at the same time, plants growing up on the walls, trains speeding among them, and he can’t wait to be able to explore a bit.

They land near the royal palace and are greeted by T’Challa himself, as well as his sister Shuri who is the leader of their design group. She takes the students away, and the Avengers follow T’Challa. It’s fairly late, and after the first short meeting they have a dinner and retire to their rooms, their planned program starting in the morning.

***

Before they arrived, Steve had some doubts over how well they’d manage to combine work and vacation. He’d suspected it might tip toward work, but in the end it turns out to be a fairly balanced experience. Many of the tours of the city and the science demonstrations given to them are relaxed and enjoyable, while at the same time being things that’ll help with their work.

Steve’s favorite thing about the trip is how enthralled by it all Bucky is. The city is like the pulp stories he liked to read when young come to life, only better, because it’s light and airy, seamlessly integrated with the environment, taking into account the realities of life that the stories didn’t bother with while being as full of wonders. Shuri realizes Bucky is at least as fascinated as the students, and invites him to come and spend time in her lab while Steve is busy with his daily duties that running the Avengers requires.

After a few days Steve notes that Shuri keeps looking at Bucky as if hesitating, and when she later that day seeks him out to ask for advice he isn’t exactly surprised about the topic.

“I keep noticing his prosthetic is bothering him,” she says. “And I know we could help with that, we could do much better, but I don’t know how to ask. It seems like it could be a somewhat sensitive topic.”

She is right about the arm; when building it the Red Room prioritized efficiency in battle over everything else, with little consideration over Bucky’s wellbeing. It’s not actively injuring him, as that would be detrimental to his efficiency, but it’s not great for the muscles around the shoulder and in the back, and there’s some ache in Bucky’s bones especially during the cold times of the year. Steve has learned to massage the muscles to relax them, but it’s only a temporary help.

“You’re right, it does bother him. And it is a bit sensitive topic, but he’s not going to clam up if you ask about it, god knows Tony has offered to build him a new arm many times now. The reason Bucky hasn’t accepted is that completely eliminating the issues would require a major surgery, and Bucky isn’t comfortable with that idea. For one, they haven’t found a guaranteed method for efficient anesthesia for him, and he’s also not keen on the recovery time required.”

She chews on her lip for a moment before smiling again. “I’d say we can do better on both those areas, we’re used to dealing with individuals that heal fast, and we use a lot of methods that require less invasive procedures than usual. So you think it’s okay to at least talk to him about it?”

“Yeah, he’ll listen. I’m not going to say he’ll do it, even with the best guarantees you could give him he’ll still be hesitant.”

“Because of bodily autonomy. I think I understand. I’ll see what I can do.”

She leaves, looking very determined the way Steve recognizes as a familiar trait in T’Challa as well, and he thinks she actually has a chance of getting Bucky to agree. It would be a relief if she could do something to relieve Bucky’s pain, for all that Bucky himself is of the opinion it’s so minor that it barely registers. Steve on the other hand thinks even that is too much, and he truly hopes Bucky can get a life with no pain at all. He deserves that.

A couple of days later Bucky finds him at their rooms. Steve has just finished his paperwork and thinks they might take a walking trip to the market, but holds back the suggestion when he sees Bucky’s clearly preoccupied by something.

“I’m guessing Shuri talked to you,” Steve says.

“Yeah, she did.” Bucky throws himself on the couch among the pillows, and Steve goes there as well, intending to just sit next to Bucky but gets pulled on top of him. 

“And?”

“Well, it seems they can control the anesthesia well enough that I could be awake but not in pain, and they have means of accelerating the healing so that the recovery would only take hours. And she says she can make the arm lighter and more natural so there shouldn’t be any muscle pain stemming from it.”

“That sounds pretty great,” Steve says, trying to keep it neutral. He doesn’t want to push Bucky too much, although he’s prepared to argue at least a little if he’s thinking of refusing.

“It’s just, well.” Bucky’s smile is definitely sardonic. “It’s about the deserving. And I know what you’d say.”

“Yeah, and if you don’t believe me, I’m still going to say it even though you know.”

“That I do believe. However, Shuri had an answer to that as well. Apparently they’re intending to work together with Stark Industries to create prosthetics for those who need them, people injured by landmines in war ravaged countries, war veterans, accident victims, and so on. They mean to have them fully articulate and affordable.”

Steve grins. “That’s smart, now you’d be doing a favor to the program instead of it being a favor to you.”

“Yes, thank you, parade my idiosyncrasies right in front of my nose, why don’t you,” Bucky says, but he’s barely hiding his smile.

Steve shifts up to kiss Bucky, smiling into it, because it’s yet another reminder of how far Bucky, and in fact the both of them, have come that they can just talk about it like this, not tiptoe around the pitfalls in Bucky’s head.

“Did you say yes already?” Steve asks, because he knows Shuri won the moment she put it in terms of the new prosthetic helping others.

“She wouldn’t take an answer yet, told me to think about it. But you’re right, I’m going to do it.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Gives a rest to your fingers, if nothing else.”

“Yes, that is the reason that should tip the scales. Speaking of which, I can tell you’re tense, let’s move around so I can do something about it.”

They maneuver around on the couch to give Steve access to Bucky’s shoulder and neck. After a few minutes, Bucky asks, “You’ll be there during the surgery, right?”

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky’s waist and hugs him tight. “Of course I will.”

***

Their stay in Wakanda is extended to allow for all the necessary physical tests for Bucky, design process, testing, and refining the new arm, as well as the recovery and final testing after the attachment. On the day of the operation they both dress in white scrubs to avoid contamination, and Bucky lies on a table with Steve sitting next to him, holding his right hand.

Part of the work is done with nanobots and the rest by a surgeon. The nanobots refine the metallic support structure attached to Bucky’s bones, which apparently is the reason for the aches. The structure is still necessary for the new arm to be properly anchored, but they can achieve the same result with vibranium much more elegantly, requiring less metal. The new arm is designed to be detachable, and they attach the base first and only after it’s healed will they try out the arm.

During the operation Shuri talks about what’s being done, the information helping Bucky focus and relax. Everything goes well, the local anesthetic holds, and even the testing to make sure all the nerve connections have taken on is passed with minimal discomfort, even though Bucky was warned beforehand it might be unpleasant.

The operation from start to finish takes a few hours, and after it Bucky is moved to recover on a specially designed resting platform meant to accelerate healing, which it does at an astonishing rate. By the next morning everything is already perfectly healed, and there’s no pain at all when Bucky gets up and starts moving around.

The arm is attached that afternoon, and Steve notes immediately that it makes a huge difference. Bucky in general was very good at compensating for the shortcomings of his old arm, but now that he doesn’t have to he’s just a bit more relaxed, a bit more at ease in his skin. They even spar for a bit, helping Bucky to get all the neural paths realigned, and Steve has to concentrate on keeping up because part of him wants to just pause and stare at Bucky being so comfortable.

At the end of the day they both hug Shuri tightly and thank her, and Steve thinks she gets how much what she’s done means to both of them. It’s more than just an arm, it feels like the final piece of the puzzle of their new life slotting in place.

***

There is a new air of peace in Bucky, Steve thinks. They’ve retired to the apartment they’ve been living in during their stay in Wakanda, Bucky especially craving quiet after several intense days filled with the operation and all the testing and scrutiny that came with the new arm. Steve is also only too happy to have Bucky just for himself for a change.

“You’re grinning like a cat that got to cream,” Bucky says when they’re curled up on the couch by an open window looking over the gardens and toward the forest.

“I’m just happy,” Steve says, and it’s maybe more literally true than ever, because right now it’s uncomplicated happiness, one without considerations or contingencies at the back of his head. It just is.

Bucky’s smile softens from mischievous to tender, and he pulls Steve in for a kiss. “I’m too.”

Steve smiles into the kiss, going along as Bucky deepens it, focusing on the slide and catch of his lips on Bucky’s, the tender caress of the metal fingers in his hair. Bucky already appears to be more free with what he does with his left hand, there’s always before been a degree of wary carefulness that seems to be gone now. It now feels like there’s no difference to him which hand does what and Steve files the revelation in his mind to consider later, and concentrates on the kissing for now.

Bucky is leaning against the pillows, relaxed and almost pliable, easily letting Steve take the lead. So far they’ve just been kissing without any further objective to it, the way they sometimes do for long stretches of time, but right now Steve wants more, and he pushes closer, tilts his head a bit to make it easier to coax Bucky’s lips open and lick into his mouth. Bucky makes a pleased sound that Steve wants to describe as a purr, there’s no other word he can think of that fits. Under him Bucky slides down on the couch, pressing into the cushions comfortable as ever. Steve shifts to kiss up the line of his jaw, sucking at the earlobe just to hear the breathless laughter burst out of Bucky, not allowing him to squirm away.

He sits up and pulls Bucky upright for a moment to get rid of their shirts, he wants bare skin now, and there’s a rush of warmth inside him when he looks at Bucky relaxing to lean on the cushions again. He’s biting his lower lip that’s red already from the kissing and looks up at Steve with no barriers held up, allowing him to see the soul reflected in his eyes, all the love held safe there. Steve has to kiss him again, otherwise he’s going to get stuck wondering once more how he got lucky enough to have this. He knows many would be hesitant to call it lucky, considering how much pain and suffering and depression there was in between, but Steve doesn’t think so, and he knows Bucky doesn’t either. It’s because of all that’s in their past, how despite all of it they’ve somehow still managed to get here that makes them feel lucky.

Steve moves down again, along the line of throat that Bucky exposes for him, pulse jumping fast at the vein, Bucky’s breaths starting to come out in huffs, even though he’s otherwise quiet. He probably won’t let go fully, considering they’re not at home and anyone could be walking under the open window, but it doesn’t matter, Steve knows the smallest tells by now, he doesn’t need Bucky to be vocal to guide him. He even likes it, likes that this is still theirs, still held close to their hearts despite how public their lives are.

Bucky shudders when Steve reaches the top of his shoulder where metal and skin meet. The new arm is more sensitive than the old one, and Steve stays at the join for a while, his lips and tongue taking a meandering path over skin and metal, delighting in the almost confused arousal it seems to draw out of Bucky, the completely new sensations flooding into his brain. Bucky is shifting half under him, hard and seeking friction, but Steve doesn’t pay any heed to it, and Bucky can’t do anything either with the metal arm mostly trapped under Steve, the other hand held in Steve’s, clutching hard whenever Steve finds a particularly sensitive spot.

“Steve,” Bucky breathes out, barely audible but the plea still obvious, and Steve moves with the request, slides down on his knees to the floor and wraps his fingers around the waistband of Bucky’s comfortable linen pants and boxer briefs, pulling them all the way off when Bucky lifts his hips.

Steve tosses the clothes without looking where they go, his eyes drinking Bucky in, every beloved detail of him. There are slight tan lines at the neck and right bicep, and the new left arm is darker than the old one, almost black, creating a different kind of contrast against Bucky’s pale skin. Bucky lounges back, his thighs spread wide, cock lying fat against his stomach. Steve looks long enough that Bucky twitches, something he was waiting for, because the way he can make Bucky lose composure just by looking at him delights him, especially since Bucky can otherwise lay unmoving for hours if a situation calls for it, a skill learned in the sniper nests during the war and refined over the decades.

He moves just when Bucky begins to squirm, bending down to place his lips at the base of Bucky’s cock, sucking a kiss there. He had the foresight to hold on to Bucky’s hips, because he jolts hard enough to jump, a reaction common at the first touch when he’s flustered. Steve kisses up Bucky’s cock that hardens fully under his touch, he makes it wet and sloppy. Bucky’s hands come to his hair, fumbling and petting, grasping a bit but never too hard.

Bucky slides down even further on the couch, opening his thighs more, and Steve takes the invitation and moves to take Bucky’s cock in his mouth, pulling it deeper until it bumps at the restriction of his throat. Bucky lets out the faintest of moans, a rush of air that just barely has a voice, and it’s why Steve loves doing this, loves that Bucky is able to let go of his tension and barriers, and just enjoy his body for a while.

Bucky’s sensitive and fairly far gone from Steve’s attentions around his new shoulder earlier, and even though Steve goes slow and draws it out a bit, alternating between kissing and licking and sucking, it doesn’t take long before Bucky comes. Steve guides him through it, only letting go when Bucky is going lax and becoming oversensitive, and Steve drinks in the sight of him lying loose against the pillows, hair having come off the knot at the back of his head and lashes fanning over his flushed cheeks, lips red and bitten, inviting for a kiss. Steve doesn’t decline, he stands up and kicks off his pants at the same time, aware of how hard he is, a fact he’s so far tried to ignore in favor of focusing on Bucky, and he climbs up over Bucky’s lap, going for the kiss.

Bucky’s lips open for him, still pliable, but when he a moment later wraps his arms around Steve there’s determination in the touch, and Steve lets Bucky pull him in, flush against him, trapping his cock between them. There’s friction when Steve automatically shifts his hips, chasing contact, but it’s not enough, and he groans into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky sits up, shifting them again, and Steve tries to stay as close as he can, leaning his forehead to rest on Bucky’s, looking down where Bucky’s new metal fingers gently wrap around his cock.

“Okay?” Bucky asks, the tiniest hint of uncertainty in his voice and in the way he’s barely holding his hand closed around Steve’s cock.

“God, yes, Bucky, please.”

Bucky doesn’t need any more encouragement; he starts jerking Steve off just the way he knows is going to work. It’s familiar and it’s strange, the texture of the new hand slick over skin providing an entirely new sensation. There are flashes of hot and cold radiating through Steve’s body, arousal coiling fast in his belly now that he’s not ignoring it, and it takes only something like a dozen pulls before he spills over Bucky’s stomach.

Spent, Steve lets himself fall on top of Bucky who again leans into the pillows, and for several long moments they stay there, enveloped in the bliss.

***

After they’ve taken another shower and eaten they’re again curled up with each other on the couch, the sky now deep black, stars shining more brightly than in any other major city they know. Bucky is quiet, more thoughtful Steve thinks, and he recognizes it as the kind of mood from where Bucky might tip toward melancholy. He wants to prevent it if he at all can.

“What’s on your mind?”

Bucky sighs, but it’s not sounding defeated yet. “Just the usual. I’m still having a hard time with all of this, if I really start thinking of it.”

“Then don’t, we’ve always known thinking isn’t your strong suit anyway.” Steve grins and grabs Bucky’s hand when he pokes at his side, but he’s also pleased to see Bucky flash a smile at him.

“I suppose it’s that however different our lives are compared to a few years ago, however accepted I am by the general public, I’m still made of all the people I’ve been, and the Winter Soldier is still here, always will be.”

“Why do you think they picked that name for you?” Steve asks, thinking it might be a good time now to tell Bucky something he’s been mulling over recently, and he figures this might be a good angle from which to tackle it.

Bucky shrugs. “It was Russia. Winter is the ruthless killer there.”

“Guess it fits. But there is an American connection to it too, if one wants to adopt it.”

“I suspect a lot of Americans would rather I didn’t, but go ahead.” Bucky looks curious now, his eyes brighter, and Steve thinks there’s not much risk of the melancholy raising its head anymore, he’s distracted enough.

“I read Paine’s works, more than they required from us at school,” he starts.

“I know,” Bucky interjects. “Personally I remember rather taking up H.G. Wells.”

“Anyway, this is something they taught us in history, because Washington used  _ The American Crisis _ to provide an inspiration to the soldiers.” He recites, his photographic memory making it easy to retain the words perfectly. “These are the times that try men’s souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” Bucky has grown more serious, looking at him as if trying to decide whether to reject or embrace the words, but Steve smiles at him and continues, “What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated.”

Bucky is quiet for a long while, staring at him, considering, until he finally presses closer to Steve. “Okay, I get where you’re aiming at with this, not like we haven’t talked about the price and worth of happiness and freedom before, but I think you’re trying to put kind of a lofty spin on it, putting me in a mold that’s not meant for the likes of me.”

“No, I’m not. The point is that each of us can rise if we have the determination to do so, and you’ve gone through more than most. It’s incredible that you’re still here; you’ve made it past all the horrors and you’re still making the choice to help others. That’s what matters.”

Steve thinks Bucky believes him only halfway, but just a few years ago he wouldn’t have believed the argument at all. They’ve come so far since they reconnected thirteen years earlier, and as the future opens up in front of them, they have time to continue on their path of healing and happiness. The years stretching far into the future no longer scare Steve, because it’s the same for both of them, they’re on this journey together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the end! Thank you all for reading, hope you enjoyed our collaboration! If so, please consider [reblogging the masterpost](http://stellahibernis.tumblr.com/post/179455365037/the-interval-between-reach-and-grasp-a).
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